Should partner leave his club over sexual messages

[Rachibe]

Name changed but long time poster on here.

Long story short, I’ve caught DP out sending inappropriate messages to another woman, who he tells me he met at the club where he plays padel tennis. She got his details from the group chat and they’ve been messaging since. He swears nothing has happened (I do believe this) and that he has made a stupid mistake which he regrets.

I am struggling to see past this though.

Example messages - DP sent her a photo cropped from instagram that she was in, posted from a social event at their club. She is sat down, he sent the photo and said ‘I wish I was that chair’.

There’s another one about how sweaty it was playing, DP sends an innuendo. The same night, he’s on about her having great stamina and says it’s good they’ve never been on the same team as he would need to buy bigger shorts.

I am feeling awfully upset and don’t know if I can get past this. Do you think there is any coming back from these comments and is it wrong of me to ask him to no longer go to that club?

OP, I’m so sorry. It’s a horrible shock. I’ve been there.

It could be that he was building up to cheat, it could be that actually he’s all mouth and no trousers and has the sort of low self esteem where he’s just enjoying this attention. It doesn’t matter, the end result is that it’s hurt you.

nobody can stay whether you should stay or leave, it’s never an easy thing to do and I think a lot of people who think they’d leave, don’t.

what would matter to me is his response to being caught. Is it full transparency, blocking contact, leaving the club voluntarily without being asked, answering your questions?

or is it deflecting, half answers, changing stories, defiance, ‘it’s not that bad I didn’t even cheat’ sort of rhetoric?

I can only tell you from my own POV, it damaged my self esteem that I stayed. Made me paranoid, I thought of very little else.

I was friends with a couple years ago, he was caught sending images to a colleague at work. His partner was devastated but loved him deeply and didn’t want to lose him to this colleague. Begged him to stay but then made all the right noises when she was feeling stronger ‘if you ever do this again I’ll leave you so fast’ etc. He DID do it again, same woman again, and she still didn’t leave. They broke up over an unrelated issue a few miserable years later. A long time after I saw him again and emboldened by the glass(es) of wine I’d had, I asked him WHY did he do it again. And he told me quite honestly, he didn’t respect her for staying the first time he was caught, so it wasn’t hard to do it again. And I asked if he had any advice for a woman in that situation, be it a sister or friend, what would he say? And he said, just leave, if you’re having to ask him to move jobs / to not talk to OW / if he’s not just simply doing these things off his own back to protect your peace, then he doesn’t care. If someone has gone outside the relationship, they’ve evaluated the risk of being caught already and decided it’s worth it.

Ew, that would be it for me. I couldn’t be with someone that sleazy and underhand. You’d be better off alone. He’ll do it again, if he hasn’t already done it before.

He should stay in the club.

You should leave the marriage.

Of course he leaves the club

Go to marriage counselling

What, for the briefest second, is making you think you should stay with this absolute loser?!

He’s so insecure he needs to go and flirt outside his relationship… pathetic.

There is a wonderful, honourable bloke out there waiting for you to come along…Ditch this buffoon and go and find him x

He's a pig. He did not give a shit about you or his marriage when he sent those texts.

You will never be able to trust him again.

Ewww, how embarrassingly desperate and cringey is he! Leave him, absolute sleaze bag!

Dump him fgs. He cannot be trusted at all.

He’s got no respect for you. He’s trying to see if she’s interested. Disgusting from a man who is supposedly in a relationship. Absolutely binable offence.

He HAS done something. He’s betrayed you and disrespected your relationship. That’s a very big thing.

Exactly, at best hes cheating, at worst sexually harrassing someone

Less emotional affair and more disgusting sleaze surely? Whether he stays at the club or not wouldn't be my immediate worry. Whether I stay in the relationship would be. Could you ever look at him in the same light again?

My, I would struggle with this.

I guess a lot depends on DH’s response and future behaviour.

If he deletes her number, no longer sees her (gives up
padel or changes club) blocks her, shows a lot of remorse and is generally amazing for a good amount of time, I suppose it may work. But you’d need to believe and trust him and I’m not sure if I could after those comments.

How can you ever look at him in the same way after seeing those messages?

Ah sorry I missed your question.

I think unless he voluntarily leaves the club without you asking, you should leave him.

That behaviour will tell you everything you need to know actually.

It's funny how any time ever that a woman catches her husband or partner messaging some other women, it's always miraculously before anything physical has happened!

I think you're being very naive

If I were you, I'd never be able to look at him the same way again. It doesn't matter if he stays at the club or not; what matters is that you leave this disrespectful and, quite honestly, creepy and immature man.

What were her responses to his texts btw?

Mainly multiple emoji’s like the sweating one.

If she's just sending emojis, maybe the feelings aren't reciprocal. Not that it makes what he's done any better.

Start making plans to leave. You deserve better.

I’d be telling him to leave the house not his club.

@Rachibe did he come clean and tell you as he realised what he was doing was wrong and wanted to be upfront with you? Or did you catch him and then it’s all it’s a stupid mistake… if you caught him and you’re not married/no kids. No no coming back. If he came clean was honest and wants to work through why he was messaging someone else then maybe yes you can come back from it. I’d be wondering what would have happened if you hadn’t of caught him.

I'd dump him for his crass attempts at flirting if nothing else.

Even if he leaves the club and joins another he could be leering at someone else there. It’s not the club, it’s his boundaries and lack of respect for you that are the issue. How do you ever look at him again or trust him after this?

The intent to cheat is the key factor. If he’d joined Tinder would you even be debating? I’ve stayed with a cheater and learned my lesson the hard way.