Should partner leave his club over sexual messages

[Rachibe]

Name changed but long time poster on here.

Long story short, I’ve caught DP out sending inappropriate messages to another woman, who he tells me he met at the club where he plays padel tennis. She got his details from the group chat and they’ve been messaging since. He swears nothing has happened (I do believe this) and that he has made a stupid mistake which he regrets.

I am struggling to see past this though.

Example messages - DP sent her a photo cropped from instagram that she was in, posted from a social event at their club. She is sat down, he sent the photo and said ‘I wish I was that chair’.

There’s another one about how sweaty it was playing, DP sends an innuendo. The same night, he’s on about her having great stamina and says it’s good they’ve never been on the same team as he would need to buy bigger shorts.

I am feeling awfully upset and don’t know if I can get past this. Do you think there is any coming back from these comments and is it wrong of me to ask him to no longer go to that club?

Just awful!!!

I would move on. You deserve better than that

So sorry for you. I wouldn’t be able to get past this. He at least wanted something to happen if it hasn’t already x

If you hadn’t have seen the messages do you trust that this weird flirtation wouldn’t have progressed?

even if it’s not physical cheating, it’s definitely emotional cheating

Just leave him.
The club is irrelevant.
He will still be a twat.
He will do the same again.

He sounds very immature. I don't know that I would tell you to move on that is up too you. The chair message did make me cringe though.

It sounds as though he had every intention of taking his relationship with this woman to another level. He has made it very clear he is interested in a physical relationship with her.

I couldn't get past the betrayal of your relationship OP and the total disrespect he has shown you. I don't see how you can trust him going forward.

Why is your focus on whether he should leave his club, when you should be leaving him?!

I don’t think for me there would be any coming back from that tbh. If you hadn’t found them then he likely would have continued until it was an affair. I ‘forgave’ something similar. It’s never been the same since when I can’t seem to get rid of him now. I would probably leave the relationship if you can.

Let him stay at the club… but leave him. Trust is all gone

Being a member of a club isn’t the issue - it’s the fact he thinks it’s remotely ok to message someone those things, it is completely wrong. Also he HAS done something - he’s messaged someone sexual messages. That’s not nothing. It’s up to you whether you want to try again with someone like that or not. I’m really sorry and it’s horrible to grapple with, but it’s not for you to ask him to do anything - like leave the club - he either goes out of his way to make amends (for example saying that he is leaving the club and cutting all contact) or he doesn’t. If he keeps going and does sod all to get to the bottom of why he did that - and more than once - then I think that tells you all you need to know.

I think YABU to stay with him.

Have you asked him what he intends to do to salvage this and rebuild your trust?

If you tell him to leave the club how will you trust that he won’t still be thinking of her, messaging her or someone else. Plus if he is only leaving unwillingly then he isn’t really doing it at all.

sorry you are going thru this

Agree. The question is not should he continue going to the club, but what do you want?

Him leaving the club won’t help. Monitoring his phone won’t help. He’s broken your trust now and you can’t carry on because you can’t have a partner you has to be restricted in order to be trusted.

I am so sorry op. I’ve been there, done that, got the fucking t shirt that no one would ever want.
Right now, watch what he does, not what he says. If he isn’t immediately leaving whatever club she is in? Not good.
But, at this precise moment? It doesn’t matter. You have had a tremendous shock and you need to do whatever YOU need to do to start to regain your equilibrium, irrespective of him.
Personally, I’d be telling him “you have detonated a bomb under my life. If you think it is appropriate to continue contact with this woman, that is up to you. And I will act accordingly. Also, I am going to spend at least the next year recovering from your massive betrayal. You do whatever you want to do”. Then do exactly that. His behaviour will tell you everything you need to know.

I think it's easy to say 'leave' but very different from the reality of actually leaving. If you want to stay and intend to work through things, then he needs to leave the club, and ideally cut ties with everyone in it. He needs to put in the work to show he massively f*cked up and wants to regain your trust. He needs to know it's not going to be instant reconciliation. It won't be easy. You might decide in six months, a year, two years, that you just can't emotionally get beyond it. That's okay, you don't owe him anything at that point. But it's not wrong to want to work through it either.

You aren’t married. I would probably bin him he sound completely untrustworthy.

Something very similar happened to me several years ago. We stayed together and I honestly tried to forgive but things are never the same, the trust has gone. Leave him.

This.
Don't get fixated on this woman, your partner is the kind of person who cheats. Once you accept that, it's easier to move on.

My ex had an emotional affair with a girl at work. I never got past it. All the secret messages etc are just so deceitful, I could never trust him ever again. He gaslighted it as 'banter' or it didn't really mean anything, he was allowed female friends etc. Made my exit plan and left. Best decision i ever made.

He can stay at the club it’s not the club that’s having an affair and sending awful messages, it’s your husband!!
you a being very unreasonable by staying with him!

Good grief. No, I don't think there's any coming back from that. How can you ever trust him again? What if she'd been flattered and responded with something equally sexual? Do you honestly believe he'd have instantly reversed course and told her he'd just been joking—or would he have allowed things to progress between them? I don't think a man makes those kinds of comments to a woman without secretly hoping something will come of it. At the very least it's a dangerous game to play, and he should be down on his knees begging you to forgive him. Quitting the club should be his idea. If it's not, I think I'd be quitting him.

So sorry op, he is having an affair those messages are awful

^Totally this!