AIBU to expect husband to continue paying the mortgage?

[Heartbroken41]

Two weeks ago I found out my husband of 12 years has been having sex with a woman while I am at my chemotherapy appointments and sexting/meeting up with multiple others.
Things hadn’t been great between us since my diagnosis, he declared himself single 2 days after I returned home from mayor surgery lasting 10 hours. I was diagnosed with cancer 7 months ago and I’m still in active treatment.

We lived together and he told these women he lived in an apartment and that we were going through a divorce (untrue). I exposed his betrayal and infidelity and now he’s angry that I did that and says he won’t forgive ME. (Deflection)

I managed to do some digging, found out everything including him coming to pick me up from the hospital directly after being with one of the women.

He eventually moved out after my family had to persuade him and now he keeps saying I am being unfair expecting him to pay the mortgage for a house he doesn’t live in leaving him unable to afford somewhere of his own and that we should sell.

I'm not in a position to pay it myself, have two young children who I also don’t want to uproot and move.

Selling and moving to god knows where doesn’t feel fair to me right now given he’s the one that broke up the family.

I also paid for the deposit to buy this house sacrificing the savings I could have used for a career.

Left as a single mom with cancer. He hasn’t apologised or shown any remorse either.

He sounds like a total shit bag, but you can’t turf him out of a home you jointly own and expect him to pay the mortgage.

Did you ring fence your deposit?

I would file for divorce and put the house on the market.

He doesn’t have to and he clearly isn’t going to.

obviously he’s a shit bag.

It’s rubbish OP but he is right that you can’t expect him to move out and continue paying for a house he isn’t living in while he needs to now house himself.

What a fucking low life !
Yes of course he should keep paying the mortgage and the bills .
It seems he doesn't care about you ( I am so sorry about that ) but his kids still live there surely he can see paying for their home and bills and CM is very very least he can do .

NEVER take that piece of scum back no matter what happens.

I hope you get the all clear very soon and you and your DCs go on to live a great life.

There may be a scenario where you get more or even most of the equity but the reality is you will have to buy him out to a degree at some point and in the meantime the mortgage payment will be on you or partially on you.
You need to plan for a realistic option.

what a prick!
legal advice asap.
generally selling and moving is inevitable.

Morally I agree, but not many people could afford to pay for two households on one income these days.

He's a scumbag, but he's right. Morally, of course he should pay. Legally, you'e inevitably going to have get divorced and sell the house

I should add he earns quite a lot of money and is staying with family free of charge however I know this is temporary. I have said once I am in receipt of financial support I can contribute to the mortgage. Appreciate long term it’s not ideal but to be expecting me to uproot, during treatment just because he cheated feels unfair and makes me angry.

Talk to your bank and explain the situation. They may be amenable to going interest only for a while until things are more settled.

What financial support will you start receiving?

It’s really crap, but the house will need to be sold and the equity shared. I would see a solicitor for advice as soon as you can. You can’t just tell him to pay the mortgage but not live there (even though he has been horrendous).

Realistically speaking you need to sell. I get it is hard but you can’t expect him to pay ongoing for a house he doesn’t live in. File for divorce, do your financial order and buy on your own

I agree that the house will have to be sold. Sorry. I hope you've contacted the CMS.

Get all financial info including pensions. Divorce him

If you are getting UC, they can pay the interest on your mortgage, once house is sold is repaid +3%.

My ex has refused to pay for last 18 months, im clawing it back in divorce, but also, hes just lost our buyer by deliberately not instructing his solicitor to respond (because he knows i cant afford to be here) so ive told my solicitor we will simply push for a company to buy the house. I stopped pating the mortgage last month.

Firstly, I am so sincerely sorry about your diagnosis. I can't even begin to imagine how horrible and scary it must be for you. Then to have that thing do that. You have the support of everybody here. Nobody, here or elsewhere, is on that vile cretins side.

Secondly, my God I hope he gets hit by a truck, which then reverses over him and runs him over again. Followed by another truck. What a fucking shit stain. Honestly, I know you should always put your children first, and I genuinely believe them not seeing this scum would be best for them since he thinks treating their mother like this is in any way acceptable as a parent.

As such, I would tell him if he doesn't pay for the mortgage then he sure as hell is not having access to your kids. Do not let him have his cake and eat it. Make his life as hard as possible, he deserves it. If he wants to call you an evil bitch yada yada for doing all of this, then let him. Be an evil bitch. Be the evilest bitch that there is. As long as you come out on top. Just don't let him win. Im sorry again, this is all so awful.

Get legal advice OP. Needs of the children take priority. You may have to pay the mortgage but given your health and young children you may get more of an asset share.

Morally she can as he’s shagged about while OP is going through cancer treatment.

He also has to pay for a roof over the heads of his children.

But his children do? Doesn’t he have to pay for their home?

Why are you advising weaponising access to his children. His relationship with his children should not be denied to punish him.

Because him cheating on their mother who has cancer makes him a fucking awful parent. He is so thick that he thinks they will never know, and that they won't be impacted by his actions. They now have no father living with them because all he could think about while his wife was having a 10 hour operation was getting his dick wet. Like the second she got the diagnosis he was just buzzing to be able to cheat.

He has fucking broken her by doing this while she is still having live cancer treatment, which will affect her ability to be emotionally available for her children as now not only is she processing battling cancer, but also is processing him cheating on her throughout it as well as a divorce and likely having to sell her home. All of that, ALL of it, was his fault. He made the choice to do it knowing full well what consequences it would have on his family, particularly his children. He chose to break up and destroy their family. He also knows full well that he is refusing to pay to ensure his children have a stable house to live in, while he is living rent free. And you think the poor little darling should still be able to have a relationship with his kids? Does it sounds like he has their best interests at heart? You think them having that as a father is going to benefit them and is in their best interests? Is he going to look after them to no end while she gets treatment? No, he'll be off out fucking his latest Tinder catch.

We talk about raising boys to be good men and raising girls to know their worth in a relationship and what a healthy one looks like. Clearly, they won't be learning that from him. Once I learned my father had cheated on my mother which was the ultimate lead up to their separation, I wanted nothing to do with him and stopped seeing him by choice. I was 6. They know and understand a lot more than you think.

The morality of his behaviour isn't a factor here in sorting this out. He won't be 'punished' for being a low life, in law, or have any increased financial obligations because he behaved like he has. It's completely unfair what he has done and devastatingly hurtful, but OP now has to sideline all the emotional side and get proper legal advice, get proper legally enforceable agreements around access and payments and realise her partner and father of her children does not have her interests as any priority and will be actively nasty. He'll do things that would be unimaginable before this.
Doing this is hard enough at anytime, but when sick is at another level.
OP, get all the support you can from any source. This is a huge life challenge to get through, but it can be done.

Unfortunately if you have a joint mortgage you are both liable . As you are not earning at the moment, the mortgage company would chase him for arrears . He would be foolish to not pay if he is able as it will affect him too . And it would devalue his biggest asset. What does he want you to do ? If he defaults are you going to be able to pay it by yourself .

All these issues will be sorted out during the financial settlement of divorce . You may have to sell house and split equity or you might negotiate a deal with regards to pensions , etc that will give you the house .
He will just have to wait for his next property until it is all settled. You can not force him to pay anything unless it is court ordered .

I would inform your mortgage provider of these circumstances, the fact that you are in recovery and the possibility that he may default on payments . It is really important that you keep in communication with them as there are options but only if you show willing to work with them .

None of this is fair . Not your illness nor the fact that your DH has proved himself to be a cold heartless lying bastard . But as with your diagnosis, you will recover and hopefully go on to live a better life . 💐

The short answer? No.

If he is being told to leave, he would be required to pay CMS but that’s unlikely to come anywhere close to the cost of funding their entire household. Selling the house & splitting the equity so they both can then find something affordable is the solution here and in most cases.

Find a lawyer op and let them handle it