AIBU to expect husband to continue paying the mortgage?

[Heartbroken41]

Two weeks ago I found out my husband of 12 years has been having sex with a woman while I am at my chemotherapy appointments and sexting/meeting up with multiple others.
Things hadn’t been great between us since my diagnosis, he declared himself single 2 days after I returned home from mayor surgery lasting 10 hours. I was diagnosed with cancer 7 months ago and I’m still in active treatment.

We lived together and he told these women he lived in an apartment and that we were going through a divorce (untrue). I exposed his betrayal and infidelity and now he’s angry that I did that and says he won’t forgive ME. (Deflection)

I managed to do some digging, found out everything including him coming to pick me up from the hospital directly after being with one of the women.

He eventually moved out after my family had to persuade him and now he keeps saying I am being unfair expecting him to pay the mortgage for a house he doesn’t live in leaving him unable to afford somewhere of his own and that we should sell.

I'm not in a position to pay it myself, have two young children who I also don’t want to uproot and move.

Selling and moving to god knows where doesn’t feel fair to me right now given he’s the one that broke up the family.

I also paid for the deposit to buy this house sacrificing the savings I could have used for a career.

Left as a single mom with cancer. He hasn’t apologised or shown any remorse either.

There are all sorts of things wrong with his behaviour, but you need to focus on what you can get him to do, not what you want or think he should do.

Generally speaking, you won't be able to keep the house if you can't afford the mortgage with your own income and any CMS. Go find a lawyer who can help you work out what you are likely to get and start making plans grounded in legal reality.

The energy you spend trying to get him to make up for his (copious) moral failings is futile. And it's energy you aren't putting into things that will have a real return for you and your DC.

I hope the treatment is bearable and effective, OP. Wishing you better fortunes going forward.

He sounds awful-I'm really glad you have other family to help you. Are his parents still alive? Bet they're really upset with what he's done and would expect him to pay at the very least. If they're decent, allow them to help you out too.

No, he doesn’t.

The OP needs to see a solicitor.

He still owns his percentage of the house whether he lives in it or not, therefore will get the same proportion of any equity from a sale. So he should absolutely keep paying his share of the mortgage.

He should pay the lion's share of the mortgage until your youngest is 18. Him being a cheating weazel has no bearing on his responsibility to pay the mortgage however- when the children have gone you will have to fend for yourself, who broke up the family has no relevance on the situation. Men are no longer financially responsible for their wives- the days of running up big bills on his name are long past, and rightly so.

You can expect what you like i dont think the legal system works where cheating means you pay more that you legally need too

It would be simpler and sensible for you both to get legal advice and follow that

But the OP wants him to pay all of the mortgage and not live there. I don’t think any solicitor would tell him to do that.

If its a joint mortgage you are both jointly and separately liable.
If neither of you pay the mortgage then repossession proceedings start. It also fucks with his , and your, ability to borrow money in the future.
Remind him of that fact.

Tell him to fuck off , you are recuperating after your operation and you will then be going through a treatment plan
His children need a roof over there head during this , so you will nit be doing anything as of yet until you feel much better and treatment is going well. So he will have to wait

During this time , you can see where you are financially and what help you can get. Get estate agent round see what house is worth then you can see what YOU have to find something
i do hope your tenants in common and you ring fenced your deposit?

OP, you need to get legal advice.- the law is very clear. I understand you feel very vulnerable at the moment and morally, from your account, your husband's behavior is abhorrent. I supported a friend through a similar scenario- she was so overwhelmed at the time she could not see the wood for the trees. Getting her to sit down with a lawyer was the best thing she did. I know it seems a lot of money and people are scared of the legal process, but it is what you need to do. We laugh now when we go away. She was happy to walk away with far less, but he insisted on going to court. It was a long marriage and my friend sacrificed her career and worked part time to care for their children. The judge quite rightly recognised this and not only awarded half the house and savings he squirrelwd away, but the absolute slam dunk was half the pension

What were these big bill days?

OP get legal advice, it is likely he needs to pay the mortgage (until a sale is agreed) if he is a party to that contract and you can’t, look at whatever benefits you can claim…PIP? Seek support…Maggies Centre near you? Speak to the mortgage company as others have said. 💐 you deserve better

They do…and to women who’ve fled if they want to maintain their credit rating

It’s more nuanced than that, if the husband doesn’t want to destroy his credit rating and his wife OP can’t pay he will be advised to cover the mortgage until sale

I’m so sorry that you have been put in this situation.

1). Don’t do this on your own. Talk to the charity that minds your cancer and ask for counselling or support of some kind.

2). Ask on here for the name of a shit hot lawyer with a good bedside manner handy to your post code.

3). I would love to say get angry but that will take energy you don’t have to spare. You can’t afford to be amenable to anything he says, though, so focus on standing firm on things.

4). If your family is a good one or you have good friends, this is the time to call a meeting and say “I can’t do this in my own”. You need a roster of help, whether it’s a meal regularly, picking up the kids from school or sport regularly. I wish I could help. Are you NOR in Perth?

For the immediate time, yes. But OP implied that she meant ongoing. That they wouldn’t sell and split the proceeds as soon as reasonable in the context of the divorce. That he would pay the mortgage in order to house his kids and her for the foreseeable. And while that happened a bit a few decades ago, it’s not the way these things go any more except in very rare cases.

If she sells she’s going to be homeless no income, cancer, 2 small kids there’s no way she’s going to be able to borrow to buy somewhere else, she prob wouldn’t even pass the affordability check for renting. Stay put. Get a solicitor. Go to court. He might have a right to the equity in the house but that doesn’t mean he can have it right now. Focus on your treatment and your kids. FFS what a piece of shit to do this while you are having treatment.

Find yourself an absolutely shit hot lawyer and take him to the cleaners. He is legally obligated to pay part of the mortgage if is in joint names.

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this, but sadly not surprised. Apparently nurses are trained to ask women what support they have when they go through chemo, as men often leave when women can’t serve them like slaves anymore. Even the ones who don’t leave don’t even bother doing the chemo support - they leave it to sisters and friends (other women). Meanwhile in the men’s ward it’s all wives showing up for their life partners.

Sell. Sort out childcare etc. Get it all done with the help of your family.
Think long term about care for your children. Especially if you were to remain ill.

@Heartbroken41
Dsis exh cheated, moved out, they have a disabled DC.

He didn't have to pay the mortgage, if he'd agreed, dsis would have had to pay him rent on his "half" of the house.

Went to court eventually, 7+ yrs later, after dsis has been struggling to pay the mortgage alone, court decision is house to be sold, split equally, no compensation for dsis paying the mortgage, disabled DC, court doesn't care, not enough equity to house dsis and dc, court doesn't care, dsis and DC now face homelessness.

Mesher order, courts don't like them.

Im sorry you're having a terrible time but prepare for the worst and you won't be disappointed.
Horrible situation to be in.❤️

Short term, apply for PIP, go to CMS, apply for UC, get your income in order.

speak to him and point out you can’t afford to pay it, certainly not alone, and if he doesn’t pay, the house will be repossessed, you will both lose out financially and his and your credit score will be tanked to oblivion.

He is playing chicken and knows he needs to contribute.

Long term, solicitor, find out your options. Work out what you are entitled to out of the house value and if you can afford something smaller or a percentage of shared ownership outright. Ask your solicitor about a financial order on the house.

Christ, you think you’ve read it all and then some one comes along and the bar is lowered again. What a scumbag. Speechless.

Get legal advice - depending on disparity of income you may be able to get spousal maintenance on top of cms and you will be entitled to some benefits too. You might be able to get an agreement to release his portion of equity when the house is sold but deferred as its the home of you and your dependant children. It largely depends on your detailed financial situation so only a legal expert can give you an accurate steer. Im sorry this has happened, he sounds like a total scumbag

Morally, he’s behaved appallingly.

But, legally, morals don’t come into it. You will probably have to sell the home.

I’d see a good solicitor as soon as you can.

Best wishes with your recovery.

In the short term /interim he could legally be compelled to continue paying the mortgage. A solicitor would advise him to do so.

However, you need to think longer term . What does your recovery look like, will you be working soon, will you be able to pay it then, will the house need to be sold , what could a settlement look like etc etc. don’t answer here but you need to start thinking about that in real terms because he won’t be forced to pay indefinitely. You also need to think about what child arrangements could look like.

hes been a shit snd I’m sorry you have to deal with this while undergoing cancer diagnosis and treatment.

soeak to a solicitor, file for a divorce and get proper financial support in place for the short term.

oh and don’t use the children as weapons as pp suggested! Awful idea

Legally - it's not as simple as that and you need proper legal advice not Mumsnet

Morally - abso-bloody-lutely . What a disgusting man and if he was my son or sibling I would me making it clear he needed to pay the mortgage at least until your cancer treatment was over and you had had time to recuperate.

What an utter low life he is. I am so sorry @Heartbroken41