AIBU to expect husband to continue paying the mortgage?

[Heartbroken41]

Two weeks ago I found out my husband of 12 years has been having sex with a woman while I am at my chemotherapy appointments and sexting/meeting up with multiple others.
Things hadn’t been great between us since my diagnosis, he declared himself single 2 days after I returned home from mayor surgery lasting 10 hours. I was diagnosed with cancer 7 months ago and I’m still in active treatment.

We lived together and he told these women he lived in an apartment and that we were going through a divorce (untrue). I exposed his betrayal and infidelity and now he’s angry that I did that and says he won’t forgive ME. (Deflection)

I managed to do some digging, found out everything including him coming to pick me up from the hospital directly after being with one of the women.

He eventually moved out after my family had to persuade him and now he keeps saying I am being unfair expecting him to pay the mortgage for a house he doesn’t live in leaving him unable to afford somewhere of his own and that we should sell.

I'm not in a position to pay it myself, have two young children who I also don’t want to uproot and move.

Selling and moving to god knows where doesn’t feel fair to me right now given he’s the one that broke up the family.

I also paid for the deposit to buy this house sacrificing the savings I could have used for a career.

Left as a single mom with cancer. He hasn’t apologised or shown any remorse either.

@WhatNextImScared he’s not legally obligated to pay a share of mortgage. It’s joint and several liability so each of them are responsible 100% for it. If he doesn’t pay then Op is 100% responsible and vice versa- lender doesn’t care his or who pays it. Just that it’s paid. If neither pay then ultimately they’d end up in arrears followed by repossession so they need to figure out and agree how it’s going to get paid while they figure out a longer term solution

Unfortunately morality and legality are two very different things. He has behaved appallingly but it doesn't make him any more financially liable than he would be if it had been you who had cheated.

Have you spoken to the MacMillan cancer charity? They may be able to offer advice for getting through this bit, as you need to feel stronger before you take on the process of selling and moving.

Good luck with your recovery.

@MagnusCanis legally it does not work like that at all

as they are married it also doesnt matter whether deposit was ring fenced or if they own as tenants in common or joint tenants

Sorry to read about your diagnosis. Your husband is a shitbag, whilst yoru full focus should be on fighting snd recovery her throws a bomb into your wolrd with no thought for anyone.

Can you talk to McMillian? They'll have experience in all manner of scenarios. You need some professional advice as you don't need the stress.

Whilst divorce and selling the house might seem the most logical things doing that whilst fighing cancer and with small children would put enormous strain on your already fragile

Two thing I would do now is get some advice on the mortgage etc and also update your Will to reflect your husbands appalling behaviour.

Get yourself a divorce lawyer NOW. Ask any divorced friends for recommendations. Yes, he absolutely shoukd be paying for the house his children are living in.

Unfortunately if it leaves him unable to pay for somewhere to live for himself then I don’t think it should be expected Long term. Obviously until it sells he should. I know it’s a disgusting position to have been left in and I’m so sorry, but selling and moving is likely the right outcome. Sever your tie (other than the children) to this man. Otherwise what will you do if he simply stops paying? He can control you through the money.

He sounds like a really horrible man. But try to think of what’s best for you long term. I know that’s hard when you’re just trying to push through each day. I hope your treatment is successful.

Have you looked to see if you’re eligible for any benefits? You should be eligible for UC with the health element, PIP, child benefit, council tax reduction and New Style ESA. If you have savings under the threshold.

Legally you can’t keep him out the house and expect him to pay for it.

Obviously he won’t want to ruin his credit rating however I’d expect so expect him to move back in.

Morally a shit for ending the relationship how he did. Lots of men seem to leave their wives if they can a cancer diagnosis it sucks the percentage is high very high compared to women who stick around and support his partner.

Was he cheating though if he declared himself single or do you mean he hadn’t told you that and was just telling the other women?

When he says the house should be sold, he’s right. He’s a shit, but he can’t be ejected from his house and still be expected to pay the mortgage.

Why should he pay for 2 houses and the op only one?

Sure legally something may say he has too but cant think what

Spousal maintenance is unusual these days but your circumstances and diagnosis could tip the balance- definitely get advice from a solicitor.

Im sure telling him to fuck off will make him want to help the op out by paying a mortgage on a house he cant live in.

OP, ignore anyone saying what he "should" do.
See a solicitor.

Exactly, nobody is going to make him pay for two houses. The house will need to be sold and equity split. It’s complex and a solicitor will be needed.