To not let DS (15) sleep out again?

[WMeerkatManor]

DS was never one for friendships outside of school until recently. Last 12 months he has started hanging out with his mates from school, one in particular.

It was that strange situation of a high school friend, since year 7 but they never socialised outside school so we never had him round to the house but heard lots about him over the years, see him at the school gates, say hello in passing, chat a little at parents evening etc...

Teachers mentioned their friendship group at parent/teacher meeting and confirmed hes a good friend/good egg, no concerns about the friendship and they are a good support to each other.

So they started by doing things on the weekend, cinema, bowling etc, but progressed into just hanging out, going to town etc.

DS then goes to kids house one day after town (with permission), has tea, hangs out in his garden/house regularly. I keep asking him to invite friend to ours. DS has his own bedroom. PC/gaming system. He is the youngest, so no annoying little siblings. Little garden to hang in. We have a niceish house, definitely not anything that would want him not to bring a friend that I can think of.
But hhs never invited him to ours.

So one night DS messages from friends house and asks if he can sleepover there.
Que a bit of panic because I've never met his mum (just his mum at home) or spoken to her.

And we have dropped him off and picked him up multiple times from end of Avenue. Several times I've tried to go early/catch the mum to introduce myself but DS is always waiting at the opening of the avenue.

So I said to DS that he can stay but he has to
1-text me the house number (i know the house but didn't know the actual number in case of emergency)
2- text me the mums number so i can confirm.

He refuses and comes home instead.

This happens a further 2 times. Him being at his pals on the weekend, asks to stay over but will not give me mums details. He says its embarrassing and he isnt asking his friend for his mums number. I tell him to pass my number onto his mate then. To give to his mum. Nope.

So this goes on for weeks. And now its summer holidays and he asks if he can stay. I lay out the rules again and he sends me the full address but not the mums number.
I really want him to keep socialising as he has been quite isolated previously so I agree he can stay without me talking to the mum but i did not sleep. I honestly did not sleep a wink.

Next morning at 6am DS knocks on door. I am so confused as to why he has walked home at like 5.15 am from his mates and his response was "his Dad came home and it was just awkward"

He said his Dad isn't usually there. And thats it. Won't give any more information and says he just came home, thats it.

I'm done.

AIBU to not let him stay there ever again? I don't even know if I want him going there again unless he allows me to speakto the kids mum.

I understand its a different situation with kids being 15, not 5 and that he might feel a bit awkward asking for his mum to ring me but surely that is normal???

I've met the kid, hes nice. School say he is nice. They live in a nice area, nice avenue. I know their names and address but thats it.

I feel like thats just not enough but I don't know if I am being OTT in wanting contact from the mum but then how can I have him sleep somewhere and not have anyway to contact anyone in the home??

I'm torn between feeling like I'm being a helicopter parent and being a completely neglectful parent 😑

And him walking home alone at like 5.15AM is just the cherry on the cake. If something happened to him I would have had NO idea.

At 15 my kids were sleeping over at friends. But I usually either dropped or picked up and I’d mostly met the mums at various school things.

i wouldn’t like the vibe of your DS had to leave because the dad came home.

I’d send a letter to tbe mum asking her to call you?

Your son is gay and that's his bf?
Let him have his time and come out to you when he's ready to. No chance of unwanted pregnancy.
He'll tell you when he's good and ready.

Quite the reach. How would that change the situation though? I still wouldn't have the mums contact number.

Is that not really weird?!

I have no idea what is normal anymore.

My older kids friends were all from primary and I knew all the parents well.

I’d read it that DS and friend were staying out/sleeping somewhere else and using mum as an excuse. Maybe friend is telling his mum they are at yours? That’s what I did as a teen, and would explain early return.

This 100% - they're not actually there.

Probably drinking on a field and stayed up all night. Both lied and siad they were sleeping at each others homes ...

Could be this. I did this all the time as a teen. Are you able to see his location on your phone?

I had absolutely contemplated this too. And I said it to DH.
I did this as a teen.

I'm not sure why he would use that friend as a cover though rather than tell me he was at someone elses house? and to go where?

Urgh. I hate the teenage years.

I didn't have this with my others

He’s right that it is embarrassing at that age to have to ask for the parents number.

mine were going to parties at that age and would usually pass on the address (or give me the invite) but would mostly agree to stay at one persons house (saved all five or six parents doing a pick up and it was just one each time).

it is embarrassing but I would assume there is more going on - either he is gay and does not want to tell you or he is elsewhere.

I wouldn't say it was normal at 15 to meet the parents first or even speak but to have another phone number in case his phone runs out of charge is normal but only for emergencies not to chat just so his mum knows how to contact you if DS fell or broke his arm, not to check whether he likes peas. I would expect DS to call you if a problem. Generally speaking at High school you don't know friends parents unless they have been friends since primary.

I don't think it's necessary to check in with the parents at 15. Presumably your son has a phone and you can contact him if need be and he can contact you. I'm not surprised he came home Rather than ask for his friends mum's number I can see how embarrassing that would be. You need to start letting go a little

He 100% hadn't been drinking, I'm not being naive but I can honestly smell alcohol a mile away. DS1 came home after a few beers last week (nothing apocalyptic) and I could smell it from the kitchen on him before I had even gone downstairs.

We also had a conversation about why he was home so early and he showed no signs of being drunk and I have (unfortunate) experience of dealing with an alcoholic who often tried to hide it so I am 100% certain he wasn't drunk or high.

But I am highly suspicious of where he was now.

All I would do is text her and say 'hi Im Xs mum. Just messaging so you have my number in case of emergency, thanks for having him'

I think having a contact incase of emergency is sensible.
I think maybe there is a bit more to it, maybe have an open conversation with your DS.

I also wondered if he was gay and that was why he wasn't bringing the friend round to you. Maybe he doesn't want you to see them together incase you notice and he's just curious or unsure yet.

The friends mum might know or not. Maybe the dad is homophobic so it was best he left early.

Why do you drop him at the end of the road and not the house?

OK, so say there is an emergency at home and DS is asleep of his ohone is dead, what then? I have absolutely no way of contacting him.

Or what if something happens to him and the friends mum can't let me know because she can't get in his phone?

Im not trying to invite her round for tea and biscuits and exchange baby photos.

I just want to have a 2nd point of contact if he is going to regularly be there overnight purely for emergencies.

Thats always been very standard to me. Even when I was a kid. My mum wouldn't let me stay out without her having someones number I was with.

I think it is a bit OTT at 15 to want the parents number. I've not had a text or text a parent for sleepovers since DD was 12/13. I understand it's different for you with your DS only recently starting to have sleepovers.
The early morning arrival after the first sleepover is odd, I'd be more concerned about that. Especially saying it was awkward because his dad got home. Why would the dad be going into the kids room at 5am. Either DS is lying or there's something off with the dad that made him feel uncomfortable.

Because its a cul de sac with a lot of cars.

Hang on, so you think hes old enough for me to ket him stay over without a contact number for the mum.

But hes not old enough for me to drop him at the entrance of the culdesac rather than at the door?

I did this as a teen, I'm ashamed to stay. Lots of my friends were allowed to stay out all night but I had a curfew because my parents were hugely unreasonable and overprotective and no fun at all (in fact, the exact parent I am now 😂)

I would always give the name of a friend that my parents knew enough to know was "safe" but not well enough to call the parents and expose the lie. They could be using each other as their excuse/ alibi, or the friend could be completely unaware so the idea of you calling his mum is mortifying.

When your child goes to uni they will be living on their own and you will be reliant on their mobile to contact them.

if they don’t want to talk to you then they can avoid your calls for months.

abd they certainly won’t be giving you the mobile of the mums of the people they are sleeping with.

you are very over protective

I have had a similar thing with my DD14. She goes to this girls house but refuses to invite her here or let me speak to the mum. I actually got the mums number from another mum and did end up speaking to her via message but I get the impression that maybe we don’t share the same parenting style. I think my daughter and her friends can pretty much do what they want there - vaping, boys over in bedroom etc and she knows that she wouldn’t be allowed to do that at home.
Could you get the mums number from someone else?

Can you compromise and have him on a app so u know where he is

Obviously just speculating, but it sounds like they're more than friends. The other lad is probably out to his mum and doesn't want to risk you contacting her. And hence why the dad thing was awkward.