To not let DS (15) sleep out again?

[WMeerkatManor]

DS was never one for friendships outside of school until recently. Last 12 months he has started hanging out with his mates from school, one in particular.

It was that strange situation of a high school friend, since year 7 but they never socialised outside school so we never had him round to the house but heard lots about him over the years, see him at the school gates, say hello in passing, chat a little at parents evening etc...

Teachers mentioned their friendship group at parent/teacher meeting and confirmed hes a good friend/good egg, no concerns about the friendship and they are a good support to each other.

So they started by doing things on the weekend, cinema, bowling etc, but progressed into just hanging out, going to town etc.

DS then goes to kids house one day after town (with permission), has tea, hangs out in his garden/house regularly. I keep asking him to invite friend to ours. DS has his own bedroom. PC/gaming system. He is the youngest, so no annoying little siblings. Little garden to hang in. We have a niceish house, definitely not anything that would want him not to bring a friend that I can think of.
But hhs never invited him to ours.

So one night DS messages from friends house and asks if he can sleepover there.
Que a bit of panic because I've never met his mum (just his mum at home) or spoken to her.

And we have dropped him off and picked him up multiple times from end of Avenue. Several times I've tried to go early/catch the mum to introduce myself but DS is always waiting at the opening of the avenue.

So I said to DS that he can stay but he has to
1-text me the house number (i know the house but didn't know the actual number in case of emergency)
2- text me the mums number so i can confirm.

He refuses and comes home instead.

This happens a further 2 times. Him being at his pals on the weekend, asks to stay over but will not give me mums details. He says its embarrassing and he isnt asking his friend for his mums number. I tell him to pass my number onto his mate then. To give to his mum. Nope.

So this goes on for weeks. And now its summer holidays and he asks if he can stay. I lay out the rules again and he sends me the full address but not the mums number.
I really want him to keep socialising as he has been quite isolated previously so I agree he can stay without me talking to the mum but i did not sleep. I honestly did not sleep a wink.

Next morning at 6am DS knocks on door. I am so confused as to why he has walked home at like 5.15 am from his mates and his response was "his Dad came home and it was just awkward"

He said his Dad isn't usually there. And thats it. Won't give any more information and says he just came home, thats it.

I'm done.

AIBU to not let him stay there ever again? I don't even know if I want him going there again unless he allows me to speakto the kids mum.

I understand its a different situation with kids being 15, not 5 and that he might feel a bit awkward asking for his mum to ring me but surely that is normal???

I've met the kid, hes nice. School say he is nice. They live in a nice area, nice avenue. I know their names and address but thats it.

I feel like thats just not enough but I don't know if I am being OTT in wanting contact from the mum but then how can I have him sleep somewhere and not have anyway to contact anyone in the home??

I'm torn between feeling like I'm being a helicopter parent and being a completely neglectful parent 😑

And him walking home alone at like 5.15AM is just the cherry on the cake. If something happened to him I would have had NO idea.

I think I would feel the same way as you, OP, and want contact. I would probably be hopping out the car at the drop-off and popping up to the front door to say hello to the mum (which I expect would mortify my DC a bit, but I would feel rude not saying hello to be honest!).
From what you’ve said, it sounds like you’ve got a nice parenting relationship with your kids…. so I’m a bit puzzled as to why you’ve not followed up with him about why he had to leave when the dad turned up. Or maybe you have tried, but I would certainly be making it clear that I want to understand what happened there.

Do you think the friend is being left there unsupervised

They're bisexual, as was I in my youth. The laughing face was at the phrase 'semi gay' as this is what my kids have adopted to say rather than 'bisexual '. Its become a running joke in the house that we are all 'semi gay' but not commiting. They think its a funny, as do I. I'm not requesting you to.

What is there to be understanding about? Being gay or bi is no revelation. I'm as interested in him being gay as him being straight.

He told me he had a date with a girl so I see no reason that he wouldn't tell me he was dating his friend.

I think you probably are being over pushy re the mum's phone number. You know where the house is so you could go round there if there was ever any need. Maybe his friend has made fun of him over this. I'd ask about the 5 am return though because what he says sounds odd. You could also say you feel uneasy because you think he's being evasive and that makes you think he's hiding something. Overall though I don't think it's a good idea to forbid any more sleepovers. He could end up just sneaking out anyway.

I totally agree with you OP. He’s 15, still a child, and it is perfectly rational to want to have details of where he is staying overnight and share details with the responsible adult of the house.

I think you are babying him too much. It rightly or wrongly really isn't normal to have parents mobile number. I'd want t the address maybe but that's all

Maybe friend has no mum

Have you spoken to DS about your concerns or common viewpoint here that hes been put camping or something. With the good weather it would seem likely, lots of teens dont drink now so maybe just out camping and didnt want adults involved becasue there organisation was likely haphazard and adults may have wanted to influence their plans. Maybe he just felt you'd say no and Has made the cover story of staying with friend.

And good time to have a conversation about what about the Dad was awkward and a chance for you to reiterate serious chat about keeping self safe and what does a dangerous/predatory adult behaviour look like from adults. Hopefully nothing untoward has happened and this just lets you reinforce information about keeping self safe.

Id say no more visits to friend until he has been to your house for some gaming and a takeaway pizza hangout.

Do you have a decent tracker on his phone to show where he has been, if not then maybe consider research different ones and get setup. X

Some of these answers are wild!
Like because he's 15 the OP is being overprotective by wanting an emergency contact. Of course you aren't unreasonable in wanting this OP.

And I think the real underlying fear here is that you actually are not sure where he is spending the night.
I work with adolescents and while I agree they'd all prefer not to ask friend's mum for her number, I think the normal response if they really wanted to stay over, and they really were staying over where they said they'd be, would be an eye roll, huff and puff, and they'd get the number. Actually deciding to come home and miss out rather than asking does not sound like a normal reaction and it's highly suggestive that he's hiding something.
The arriving home at 5.00 is a massive alarm bell too OP. His excuse doesn't ring true.

I'd be worried too. I'd be having a serious talk.

Your DS is defo lying about something.
And what dad kicks a 15 year old to walk home at 5.15 am

I personally would pop round there early one evening when your son is not there to try and speak to the mum. I would say the boys are really
good friends and you just wanted to introduce yourself. Short friendly chat and then say ‘do you know what the issue was on x date when my son stayed over? He turned up dead early at ours. Hope he didn’t wake you up leaving. He didn’t really say why he was back so early - do you know what the issue was?’ And see what she says.

Gay, straight backwards forwards I dont feel has any relevance here.

My first thought is they are both saying they are staying at each others houses and staying out late (booze involved or not)

I say that as I did it often!

I don’t think you’re being overprotective OP.

15 is still pretty young.

Probably something along these lines. Could obviously be wrong but type of thing me and my friends did at this age.

I wouldn't personally be worried about not having the other mum's number, but I would be worried about why he was so insistent that you couldn't have it, and didn't even want to give the address.

It does sound like he's hiding something, but it could really be anything. Alcohol, vaping, parents being drunk or away, even something as innocent as eating loads of junk food if he things you wouldn't approve. I think you're right not to let him stay until you get to the bottom of it.

I think that when he didn't want to give you the address, it was likely that he was, as others have suggested, camping out with his mate/s, and thought that if he gave you the address you might just turn up and catch him out. Of course as Mums we all know that by not giving you the address, he's made you much more suspicious than if he'd just given it you when you asked, and thereby made it more likely that you'll go checking up on him.

I know that a lot of you who haven't yet gone through the complete cycle of birth to 20 with your kids, probably look at a 15 year old lad, and subconsciously think he's grown up, because that's the way he looks. He will also think he's grown up, and knows it all, as we all do in our teens, but it's often not until they reach their 20's, that they really do become aware of all the dangers that are out there, and that they're not immune to being attacked, or something going very, very wrong. So I think the OP is right to be concerned, and want to know what her son is up to, while still allowing him a certain amount of freedom. The difficult part is getting youngsters to see that the more open they are, the more freedom they will gain, as their parents will feel more able to trust them.