To not let DS (15) sleep out again?

[WMeerkatManor]

DS was never one for friendships outside of school until recently. Last 12 months he has started hanging out with his mates from school, one in particular.

It was that strange situation of a high school friend, since year 7 but they never socialised outside school so we never had him round to the house but heard lots about him over the years, see him at the school gates, say hello in passing, chat a little at parents evening etc...

Teachers mentioned their friendship group at parent/teacher meeting and confirmed hes a good friend/good egg, no concerns about the friendship and they are a good support to each other.

So they started by doing things on the weekend, cinema, bowling etc, but progressed into just hanging out, going to town etc.

DS then goes to kids house one day after town (with permission), has tea, hangs out in his garden/house regularly. I keep asking him to invite friend to ours. DS has his own bedroom. PC/gaming system. He is the youngest, so no annoying little siblings. Little garden to hang in. We have a niceish house, definitely not anything that would want him not to bring a friend that I can think of.
But hhs never invited him to ours.

So one night DS messages from friends house and asks if he can sleepover there.
Que a bit of panic because I've never met his mum (just his mum at home) or spoken to her.

And we have dropped him off and picked him up multiple times from end of Avenue. Several times I've tried to go early/catch the mum to introduce myself but DS is always waiting at the opening of the avenue.

So I said to DS that he can stay but he has to
1-text me the house number (i know the house but didn't know the actual number in case of emergency)
2- text me the mums number so i can confirm.

He refuses and comes home instead.

This happens a further 2 times. Him being at his pals on the weekend, asks to stay over but will not give me mums details. He says its embarrassing and he isnt asking his friend for his mums number. I tell him to pass my number onto his mate then. To give to his mum. Nope.

So this goes on for weeks. And now its summer holidays and he asks if he can stay. I lay out the rules again and he sends me the full address but not the mums number.
I really want him to keep socialising as he has been quite isolated previously so I agree he can stay without me talking to the mum but i did not sleep. I honestly did not sleep a wink.

Next morning at 6am DS knocks on door. I am so confused as to why he has walked home at like 5.15 am from his mates and his response was "his Dad came home and it was just awkward"

He said his Dad isn't usually there. And thats it. Won't give any more information and says he just came home, thats it.

I'm done.

AIBU to not let him stay there ever again? I don't even know if I want him going there again unless he allows me to speakto the kids mum.

I understand its a different situation with kids being 15, not 5 and that he might feel a bit awkward asking for his mum to ring me but surely that is normal???

I've met the kid, hes nice. School say he is nice. They live in a nice area, nice avenue. I know their names and address but thats it.

I feel like thats just not enough but I don't know if I am being OTT in wanting contact from the mum but then how can I have him sleep somewhere and not have anyway to contact anyone in the home??

I'm torn between feeling like I'm being a helicopter parent and being a completely neglectful parent 😑

And him walking home alone at like 5.15AM is just the cherry on the cake. If something happened to him I would have had NO idea.

It's fair enough for him not to give out people's numbers without knowing them or asking permission.
But why on earth couldn't he just put the mum on the phone while he was in her house? Then just ask her name, check it's ok and ask her for the number?

Kids can be weird about stuff it's true. I think at that age I might've found that whole speak to mum thing a little cringe. But it's better surely than just constantly not being able to stay at someone's house.

I'd say he can still go there, but it's not acceptable to nerd to leave at 5am?! The dad can't be that horrible?

Don’t send a letter that is weird. Your son is hiding something.

I'm not picking up the gay thing in this situation.
Not because I don't want my son to be gay but because both my other kids are (semi) gay 🤣 so I really don't think he would worry about me knowing that, very relaxed on sexuality here. I don't think he would have to hide that. Plus he had his very first date with a girl last week

It’s weird to insist on contacting the mum in year 10 tbh. For a second point of contact, you could ask for the friend’s number and agree not to use it except in an emergency.

Coming home early is a bit odd. I’d worry that with your helicoptering he’s more likely to hide stuff from you. Be honest with yourself, if it was something medium bad (eg the dad seemed strange or in a bad mood) would you tell DS your pleased he’s shown you can trust him cos he made the choice to come home, or would you ban him from staying there again

The mum's number doesn't seem a big deal to me either way, but what is odd is that he is SO determined not to get it for you that he'd prefer not to stay over rather than give you her number. And coming home so early in the morning is definitely strange. If he is gay, I would suspect they in the other lad's bedroom together and the dad found them and wasn't happy. But you don't think he's gay, so... no idea.

I really don’t think you’re being unreasonable to ask for the mum’s number. I have three boys all now 18 and over. The youngest one had a friend whose mum contacted me when he was 16 and sleeping over to check it was ok. Have also had similar with other parents. I’ve always been happy to have a contact - so that if there is an issue I know who to contact.
There’s a massive difference between 15 and 18 away at uni.
I really don’t think any reasonable parent would mind a quick message checking its ok for the sleepover.

I think they mum might not actually be there. Hence the dad kicking him out when he came home.

They don’t drink lots or get obviously high from weed now. They take that laughing gas and other such stuff. You wouldn’t see him high or drunk. It wears off pretty quickly. Sounds like he was out in a field somewhere rather than at his mates house.
Do you have his location on?

Well if it was a dire emergency I guess the police could track someone down. I can honestly say when my kids were 15 I didn't know most of their friends parents, I had a vague idea of where they lived and definitely didn't have their phone numbers.

I would want a number, he is 15 and your responsibility. Three years before uni and these are years where you allow more freedom, independence and growing up but not suddenly and not when you are not sure where he actually is overnight.
It all does sound a bit strange. Could he be using this friend as a cover for seeing the girl he had a date with.
Everything is fine when kids are sleeping out until it isn’t.

my DD is slightly older but i only had one parents number so we could co-ordinate lifts it is embarrassing at 15 for a "hi I'm X's Mum " text
turning up at 5am I would think something happenned my DD knows she can call me at anytime if she needs rescued she has location on her phone she doesn't switch it off I very very rarely check it

I’d say they are either not at the friends house and using sleeping over at each others to cover it, or the mum is not actually there, perhaps working nights.

He’s 15. I had no clue about parents numbers when DD was in senior school. Not sleeping when he was sleeping over is ridiculous.

Some of his behaviour is very odd though. Not inviting him over to yours. And turning up when the dad came home. My guess is this boy is more than a friend, the boys mum knows that and is accepting of it, he’s worried you won’t be, and the dad isn’t happy about it.

His coming home early in the morning because of his friend's father suddenly appearing is a bit odd.

I wonder whether the man was drunk and turned up unexpectedly.

Could you send the boy's Mum a Friend Request on Facebook?

You said the friend has just mum at home, but your DS said friend's dad came home and it was "awkward".

How could the dad come home if friend lives just with mum?

Has the dad turned up at the house at 5am and caused a scene?

Or is this all a lie because they've been out and about all night and something has happened that your son is unhappy about, meaning he's walked home at 5am?

I think it is unusual to expect the mums contact number when the dc are 15 years old.
Primary age, yes.
Getting home at 6am is weird though and I'd suspect that they had been out all night rather than at friends house.

I don’t get why people are saying it’s embarrassing to ask for a parents number, it’s just sensible for goodness sake, yes you’ll probably never need it, but no one is going to die of embarrassment.

i understand your worry OP the walking back at 5:15 is concerning, did he not think to call you and let you know what his plan was?

What on earth is semi gay? And laughing emoji?

You don't sound very understanding at all.

Just because DS15 dated a girl last week doesn't mean this boy is more than a friend

Have you told your DS that that is all you want to do OP? I know youngsters are very protective of their privacy, and these days think that you don't need to know parent's numbers etc. because they have their own phone, you they can reach you in emergency, or you can reach them, but what they don't think about is what would happen if they lost their phone, had it stolen, had to leave somewhere in a hurry and left their phone behind, or the most likely one - it runs out of charge, and then they find themselves in a tricky situation, perhaps miles from home, with no money. Have you explained all this to him, and if so, did he really LISTEN??

Nope I dont think he's old enough to stay out, at a house you don't know, with a friend you've not really me, with adults you don't have contact details for. It's you that did that not me.

I was asking about dropping off at the end of the road as I found it strange. And not something I would have done. I live in a cul dec sac with absolutely no parking or space to turn around. DC friends get dropped at the door and not down the road and if they were staying over parents would wave from the car or knock in the door to collect.

I think he's not being truthful, for whatever reason, so that's enough for me to say not again

Having been there, I understand the worry, but you do need to approach this a bit differently.

This is the stage when you have the opportunity to encourage independence and teach personal responsibility and respect regarding contact. People can say what they like about mobile phones but they mean that most of the time, we can contact people wherever they are.

My eldest son started doing very similar things with friends at 15. This meant a very big adjustment for me and his secondary school friend group was made up of people I didn’t know, and therefore did not know their parents.

My son knew that I worried but I did not wish to hinder his independence. I always made sure that he had a power bank with him. He knew to always answer me if I rang him. I kept my landline number as my sons know the number by heart and my eldest son would use a friends phone (if his own was out of charge and no-one had a power bank) to call it if it was late, and let me know he was on his way home. He never minded my use of the location app (but be warned, this can create anxiety when the location showing is slightly inaccurate).

I never had the contact details of the parents, a few of the friends in time as I got to know them, but not the parents.

It’s quite an anxious phase this age, and they start doing things that they are ready for, but you are not! I worried a lot and I still can’t go to sleep fully until they’re home (only my youngest is actually living at home now). But, you have to slowly let them go out on their own, all the time teaching them that staying in touch with you is respectful.

My eldest did camp out with friends at this age, too. They also went to their first week long festival, many miles from home, at 15.

I also always instilled the importance of friends looking out for one another and sticking together. They did do so. His friends in fact, I began to know, were a great group.

If you close your mind to the ideas that your son has, you will unfortunately push him to rebel and possibly lie to you. And this could be what has already taken place with the early arrival home.

As for the gay comments, are we to assume that every girl who sleeps over at a girlfriends house is a lesbian, then? The utter ridiculousness of these suggestions.

Good luck, OP.

At 15, my son had a couple of friends whose houses he slept at. I didn't meet their mums or have their numbers.

Walking back at that time in the morning was very strange though. I'd have just had a chat with mine to find out what had happened.

I'd also have a chat around inviting friends over. It might be that, because it's not something he does, it feels strange to him. Maybe he can't imagine what it would look like? Some parents are more 'intense' than others (and your own are far more embarrassing than other people's!)Perhaps he's worried you'd make too much effort to get to know his friend.

Teenagers get some funny ideas at times...

Yes, all of this!

Eta: i quoted ComedyGold007's post but it didn't attach!

He's not at university, he's 15 and OP wants to know where he is staying is safe and contactable. Basic parenting

I'd want that reassurance too OP

I agree with you - either you get the mum’s or the dad’s phone number, or he can’t sleep over.

They can still see each other in the day.

Talk through with your boy imagining the worst case scenario - he doesn’t come home and his phone has died. What would you do? What would you say if speaking to the police? “Oh yes, I don’t know where he is and I have no contact details.” You would look irresponsible.