Do you get jealous if your man talks to other women on nights out?

[Aliceinwonderland75]

I have no worries that my dh is cheating at all. He's not showing any signs of cheating, and I do trust my gut that he's not cheating.
The problem lies with me. I secretly feel insanely jealous if he talks to other women on nights out, even if he chats with my friends. He's not even flirty with them. I know it's because an ex from many years ago was flirty on nights out and ended up cheating on me.
I'm being ridiculous aren't I. Men and women are allowef to, and capable of, talking to each other on nights out. I wish I could stop feeling so possessive.

Yes you are, but the fact you can see that and why you’re reacting that way is a good start in working on your worries. Maybe some therapy would help? (i don’t mean that in a bitchy way, I am a strong advocate for therapy helping most people).

No because I am not paranoid

Yes. Being jealous if he chats to your friends isn't healthy for you. It would be really rude if he didn't.

Yes, very unreasonable, but at least you know it.

How would you like it if he was judging you, not by your own behaviour, but by the standard of the worst ex he has? Because that's what you're doing to him, and it's very unfair.

CBT type redirection and reframing of thoughts might be helpful to you here, either as self help or with a therapist.

Well she’s not paranoid, she’s struggling with past damage, isn’t she. Why be so rude? Do you think you’re being helpful or do you just enjoy kicking people?

I am thrilled if my DP is chatting away to my friends.

But we have a 2 year old so if we’re hanging out with friends in the evening I’m just generally thrilled!

I don’t have a jealous bone in my body as I feel secure in my relationship. DH is the same.

But she is being paranoid. Its paranoid to be out with a group of friends and be "insanely jealous " that is not normal. Its not really even understandable that just because a previous partner was flirty and cheated, your current partner having normal conversations is wrong.

I have some sympathy Op. Have you talked to your boyfriend about your feelings? They’re rooted in reality; your ex breached your trust and now those feelings of insecurity get ignited with your current partner.
Would setting guidelines help? Eg I think it would be quite reasonable to feel challenged if your boyfriend spends more time talking to other women than to you. If that’s the case just tell him you don’t like it and would like him to focus more on men.
Is he ever in separate contact with other women? That could be another area for discussion.
I think you need to talk to him. Don’t ignore your feelings; try to find ways of allaying your fears.

I wouldn’t be very impressed if he started chatting to some random woman when he was out with me, it’s just rude. I don’t have any problem with him chatting to women he knows /we are out with.

My friends? Nope.
his friends? Nope.

a half hour chat with someone he’s never had before? I’d question for sure, just because - why?

Not jealousy, no. But then dh is the kind of person who speaks to everyone. I am sometimes left sitting there on my own while he makes a beeline towards someone else. This pisses me off a bit, but mainly because I'm just not the social butterfly he is, and I'm not great at striking up conversation with someone I don't know.

Op you say you trust your gut but your gut is actually screaming at you that something isn’t right with how he’s behaving. A man that made you feel comfortable in your relationship would help heal the past feelings that he was up to no good, not be firing up old wounds. Be honest with yourself and ask why his behaviour is triggering because I guarantee you it’s not just you. You’ve unwittingly trained to detect dishonesty and your nervous system is doing its job. If I’m wrong, you need professional help to deal with that but I do think we pathologise normal reactions too much.

a safe man wouldn’t have you feeling like this regardless of the past

This is ridiculous. Like proper screaming ridiculous.

the fact her gut is screaming at her is due to her issues, not as he’s doing something wrong,

You are blaming him for her irrational behaviour? Imagine a man doing this to a woman and saying it’s because I was cheated on before. It’s controlling and possessive. She’s not on about one woman, it’s any woman.

The op needs to find a way around her trust issues. Not him.

Who are these women he is talking to on his nights out OP?

If they are part of his friendship group or he knows them in some capacity then yes I think being jealous is unreasonable.

However if he and his pals are striking up conversations with random women,whom they presumably find attractive or they wouldn't be bothering talking to them, then I think being uncomfortable about it is a very reasonable reaction on your part.

Why is a man always to blame when a women has issues? why is it his fault she is jealous?

If a man thought & acted like this towards a women it would be red flags galore and labelled what it is controlling

she is paranoid it cant be dressed up any other way and this is her issue

Nope I don't feel jealous, my husband has a hobby and a corporate job and is well respected and liked at both. Anytime we go out to anything for either of these groups it's clear there are women who find him very attractive not just as a man but as a person. It's never made me feel jealous, it makes me feel mind of proud of him, he has always been a very shy man who works hard to be social and I love to see that being admired. I swear to you he has no idea anyone would find him attractive and poopoos it if I tease him

start perhaps not thinking of your partner/husband as “your man”

You’ve recognised you’re being ridiculous which is good. I don’t mean this in a harsh way, but you need to stop referring to him as “your man”. He’s not a possession. It doesn’t bother me either if my husband spoke to other women in the friendship group even on a one to one if we were out. Just like I speak to other men in the group.

Interesting. I feel this sometimes. Not because I fear cheating or have been cheated on, but because it feels like rejection. He'd rather talk to someone else than spend the evening with me. It happens when he spends a large part of an evening out talking to male friends too, which I understand is ridiculous, talking to other people is the reason we're there, but feelings aren't rational.

Thank you all for your answers. How do you feel if he talked to other women, in a non flirtatious way, on nights out without you? I feel controlling saying don't talk to other women if I'm not there.
If he told me not to talk to other men when he's not there I'd feel very controlled and think don't tell me who I can and cannot talk to; but I still don't like it if he does it.

It depends what you mean by “talked to” - having a 30 minute conversation with a stranger leaving me / our friends at our table, would be a bit odd. Casually striking up a chat for a minute at the bar with others whilst waiting to be served, or the group behind our group in whilst we’re all in the queue to get into the theatre / nightclub, totally normal. Life gets very hard and restrictive if you can’t exchange a pleasantry with a stranger in public.

No, we’re together 20 years. I was very insecure when we first got together, paranoid too, my ex was the flirtatious type and cheated, lied, he was jealous and hated me even looking at another man.

DH is the opposite, he doesn’t flirt and he’s not insecure, we often separate on nights out as it’s usually an occasion with family and friends. I chat to everyone there, something that I couldn’t do with my ex.

There is usually a reason why your gut is off.

What do you mean by talk to?

Passing the time of day at the bar fine. Spending all evening flirting with the same woman, not so much.