Do you get jealous if your man talks to other women on nights out?

[Aliceinwonderland75]

I have no worries that my dh is cheating at all. He's not showing any signs of cheating, and I do trust my gut that he's not cheating.
The problem lies with me. I secretly feel insanely jealous if he talks to other women on nights out, even if he chats with my friends. He's not even flirty with them. I know it's because an ex from many years ago was flirty on nights out and ended up cheating on me.
I'm being ridiculous aren't I. Men and women are allowef to, and capable of, talking to each other on nights out. I wish I could stop feeling so possessive.

No I don't. I've been cheated on in the past so I understand to a degree. I remember my mum saying to me years ago that if a man wants to cheat on you he will. Being jealous (and I was) won't actually change that or stop him, it just means that you have that constant feeling in your stomach and it's pointless. I feel like that was actually a lightbulb moment for me and it completely changed my view.

DH and I have been together for 25 years and i don't think for a second that he would cheat on me. He knows that if he did, he would be throwing away what we've built together. It's a no brainer for me and he knows that. Plus, he's not a dick.

How would you know? Do you ask him about everyone he spoke with? Are we talking quick chats or deep conversations? If you are asking for a minute by minute update then you have problems.
How many years have you been together? If you’re seething while he speaks to your friend, he’ll be aware of it, just like my ex, I could feel the tr sun run through me. If I am right, then you need to back off and get some counselling.
So many questions.

Would either of you chat to someone of the opposite sex without being flirty, on a night out without each other? If so how do you feel about it?

Yes. I wouldn’t feel anything. What’s happened? Was he chatting to a woman when he was out without you?

Utter bollocks

It only bothers me when he sweeps the glasses off the bar, lifts her up on to it and starts kissing her.

Glass bill gets really expensive and he's been banned from Wetherspoons.

If he went to a table full of women and asked "mind if I join you" and spent the evening taking to them, I would not be happy. If he was in a mixed group and talked to the women in the group. That is fine. If he was sitting at the bar and a woman sat next to him and they exchanged some small talk, that's fine.

I feel like for me the difference would be if he goes out of way to find women to talk to or if it is just taking to other people who happen to be women.

It's going to be a tough one for you to seperate out the issue. 1) is he cheating on you or 2) is it that you are insecure?

For me, I've never been with someone who cheated and I've never felt insecure. Of my 3 significant relationships, they were all handsome with attractive personalities who had options other than being with me. I was never worried when they talked with othr women, including when women flirted with them. Security in a relationship doesn't come from the absence of others being interested in your partner, the absence of opportunity, it comes from trusting the commitment they have to you. That commitment can turn of course, and at that point there's nothing for it but to end the relationship. Jealousy can be a defensive controlling feeling to manage insecurity, but it just muddies things. The fix for it is to develop the inner resources, the confidence, to know that you can manage if the relationship fails.

I've been with DH for 22 years. Previously I was with someone who liked to 'keep me on my toes' by flirting, and by dictating what i wore, how I behaved in order to 'deserve him' and who yes cheated.

It took a number of years to get over that sort of gut reaction with DH. DH is totally solid and we are completely strong. But I would say it took a good decade before I felt sure within myself about that. If I feel a twinge of jealousy ever I just remind myself that it's good to feel like that over someone I have been with for so long. It adds a sense of spice for me, not fear. I know DH has no concerns about me, and I have no concerns about him. But I think I'm lucky that way. If you are genunely worried where there is nothing to worry about it's good to think it through and talk it through. And to examine if this is something that might harm your relationship, then you need to consider that hard.

I think it’s good you recognise how you’re feeling and you’re not allowing it to try and control his behaviour. Generally I don’t think anything if my husband chats to my friends, in fact he’ll often give them a lift home solo (we have young kids and so someone needs to be at home) and it doesn’t occur to me to feel jealous.

I guess I could feel jealous if he was overtly flirting with someone, but I’d actually more likely feel pissed off about it. But flirting to me would be obvious things like giving someone undivided attention all night, touching in some way, suggestive chat or overly complimentary. I’ve never seen my dh be like though. He can be chatty and smiley but I’d perceive that as friendly rather than flirty.

I mean I can chat to men on nights out or at work and it’s just chatting, so in my head it’s the same for dh. Socially many scenarios are a mix of men and women and I think it would be odd and unrealistic to expect a partner to only engage with the same sex.

I also do believe that if someone wants to cheat, they will and so I don’t think it’s something I can control in that sense. My dh knows that cheating would be the end of our relationship and all I can do is hope he never crosses that line and to be honest, if the only way of preventing him from crossing it was to control his behaviour by saying he can’t speak to other women, then he’s not the kind of guy I want anyway!

What have I just read?

Yes he was chatting. I spotted him in a photo the venue had posted to their Facebook page. Although when I zoom in on the photo it does not look like an intimate or flirtatious chat. They weren't cosily sitting together, just standing amongst others. Their body language and facial expressions did not look flirtatious. It looks like a normal conversation between two grown ups who happen to be of the opposite sex.
If I was having a normal, innocent, sociable conversation with another man I would not be pleased to be told I could not do that; but the other way round and I do not like it. I think it's my own insecurity and jealousy that is the issue.

@HatAndScarf33 thank you. That's helped to put things in perspective. He's being friendly and not flirty. I need to accept that, but it's going to be hard! However, one of things that drew me to him in the first place was his easy going, friendly nature who made me laugh. And still does. I shouldn't expect him to change his personality because of my insecurities.

Your feelings are valid. Its what you do with those feelings that matters.

Nights out with my DH are extremely rare as we don't have a babysitter we could use (it happens about twice a year when PILs visit). DH and I spend those nights as a couple and we just talk to each other. I'd be a bit peeved if he spent any of that time speaking to anyone else because it's a rare chance for us to connect as a couple. But it would make no difference if it was a man or a woman, so it's not about jealousy.

The only other time we might chat to opposite sex friends are other colleagues or other parents, and I don't feel jealous about that as they feel a bit off-limits and we just feel obliged to talk out of politeness. DH would never want to chat to some random female he'd just met and neither would I, we try to avoid being sociable as much as we can!

If I’m out with my friends then I’m out to spend time with my friends - so I’m not going to disappear off to talk to a stranger for an hour in a bar or club, flirty or otherwise. But yes, I will chat to men and women in bars and clubs in passing, and at a big house party or social event everyone just talks to everyone else in a friendly way. I imagine DH is likewise, I can’t say we’ve ever discussed it.

do you ever talk to men? Imagine if the boot was on another foot…. I mean generally in life it’s almost impossible to not talk to opposite sex.

I would talk to another man on a night out yes. And I expect he would talk to other women.

However that’s as far as it would go and whilst I know nothing would happen with either of us - I don’t like the thought of him doing it.

Double standards - and because of that I would never say anything to him or expect him not to. I just don’t like it. 🤔

@whyexactlythough yes, that's how it is for us. Just innocent chats with no hidden agendas. I'm guilty of double standards too

There is no point in being jealous in my opinion. You can't control what another person thinks or feels privately and you feeling jealous won't stop them being attracted to other people or if it came to it cheating. I feel attracted to other men I sometimes chat to or see but I have zero intention of acting on it and I assume my husband is the same, he isn't dead but like me he's committed to our relationship. If jealousy, suspicion and paranoia were to infect our relationship that would only be detrimental.

It’s sad. I understand it though. You are driving yourself insane zooming in on a photograph. He’ll be one of those men who shout “don’t talk to me I have a wife” the terrified type.
I really feel for you. You need to see a professional as you’ll drive him away. You cannot ask him never to speak to a woman when you are not there.
You mentioned you get jealous when he speaks to your friends too. You are suffering badly on the inside. Stop analysing him and start working on yourself. Speak to a professional asap. Good luck. 💐

So you would prefer if your friend’s “hey bob how are you? How’s work?”

that he what?

stood completely silent like he was deaf?

held up a card that said “Alice will only feel comfortable if I converse only with males”

stayed next to you all night so you could hear every word?

what is the perfect solution of his behaviour for you?

This. It sounds insane doesn't it. I need to work on myself

Like Mike Pence!

Absolutely disagree on setting 'guidelines'. It's controlling behaviour to tell your partner how much he should talk to women vs men, and to limit time spent with women when you're not there. I have total sympathy for you OP, but as you've said you have no reason to not trust your current partner and that this is due to your past, this is very much a case of needing to deal with your own reactions - would recommend therapy for this if possible.