To say if you book the activity then it’s your job to get the child to & from it?

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I am very, very pissed off tonight, but trying to get a bit of perspective. My usual sounding boards of DH and MIL are away for a funeral so don’t want to bother them until they’re back.

AIBU to say that if you book an activity for a child in my home then you can get the child to and from that activity?

The backstory is that the DC is my late cousin’s child. They live here with a SGO so it’s a permanent thing, DH and I have PR to make all of the decisions in his life.

I have, for his sake, facilitated (and encouraged) his contact with my cousins other cousins (I was her cousin on her mum’s side, they are in her dad’s side) as they are his family. They were close to his mum so it’s important he maintains relationships.

However, they’ve overstepped quite a bit at times and the proverbial straw has broken tonight when I’ve had a message telling me I need to take him to a certain activity on a set day each week starting from September as this relative has booked them in.

There was zero discussion about this. No checking that it fits in with the activities we have him booked into (swimming and football atm, and Squirrels in sept, which I think is plenty as he’ll be a starting reception). I have three other children at home as well.

I’m planning to reply and say that that’s fine, but they’ll have to ferry him to and from the activity as it doesn’t work for our schedule (it’s on a night two others will have swimming so MIL will have him and one other at home and I won’t ask her to take him a 40 min trip, wait an hour then 40 mins back).

I’m trying to be nice to people as I know some feel guilty that they couldn’t offer to take him in when our cousin got ill, but I really don’t feel that makes it ok to just do stuff without discussion. It’s so annoying

I would never even think of booking a weekly activity for somebody else’s child. Maybe a one off activity if I knew the family were free, but weekly never. What a strange thing to do. If you have parental responsibility for the child it’s up to you to decide what activities he does and it’s nobody else’s business, family or not. I wouldn’t agree at all, just say it’s not convenient and he won’t be doing it.

Madness.

I'd just say I can't facilitate that with my other commitments.

Let them sort it

Just say no wont do it.

‘Sorry, that’s not something I will be able to get x to or from. If you want them to do this course, you would need to facilitate all travel necessary.

"How lovely. Probably best if you pick him up straight from school, then you can give him tea and have a little chat before the activity. I'm not around on Wednesdays as am taking 2 of the other DC to classes - I had made arrangements for him to be looked after by someone else but happy to cancel that in light of your offer. "

I think what’s niggling me the most is that it feels disrespectful.

I’m probably overthinking it, but it’s as if a) I wouldn’t have thought to organise activities for him and b) the rest of my life is irrelevant. Like they’re dishing out orders to a nanny or childminder (and the way they’ve gone about it would be bloody rude even if I was paid childcare!).

I’m thinking I need to draw a firm line in the sand with this one because people just can’t make decisions and then tell me to deal with it like I’m some sort of employee they’re in charge of.

Sounds like this is a good opportunity to stop the overstepping. There’s no way that a reception child will want to do 80 minutes travel on a school night in the first term. I’d reply something like

”Oh that’s a lovely thought but it’s not going to be possible. He’s already doing three activities and that one doesn’t fit into the family calendar, thanks for thinking of him though.” Then change the subject.

Sorry cross posted.

Great opportunity to be very firm.
Absolutely no discussion.
They sound rude, presumptuous and extremely disrespectful of you and your family.
Stop being so polite, it is encouraging them to think you are the nanny.

This! Act daft and pretend that you don’t know they’re expecting you to facilitate transport

Either this or just “no”.

But erring on the side of the false misunderstanding as their demand is so unreasonable!

Op you are the least unreasonable person in the history of AIBU! (Possibly joint with others but ykwim!)

What’s the activity? I’d be more sympathetic to their cause if, for example, that side of the family was from a different culture or language and this is an activity connected to that. Even then they’re completely out of line to book it without discussing with you. I think it’s time to be very clear here - you have PR, he lives with you, they need to back off and respect that. Even if they transport him they’re still undermining you - you get to decide on activities and how he spends his time, not them.

Is it a tick box thing? ‘I tried so hard to pay for really good childhood experiences but OP wouldn’t let me, as usual. She just takes over’ - it’ll sound good for them in a few years when they’ve not seen him recently.

Whatever you do, however you refuse, put it in writing.

Either say no, or tell them they will have to take him and bring him back.

I think it’s part good intentions, I’ll give them a small amount of that.

It’s in part that someone else took him on a day out with their kids recently so they want to be seen as as good as that relative.

And in part pushing back against me for getting firmer as we go as there was a few people very pissed off that I applied for his Reception place without discussing it with the wider family. He will be attending the only primary school in my village, which happens to be where two of my children also go and it is literally at the bottom of our path (as in close enough that at 4 he thinks he should be allowed to walk to the school nursery himself as not as far as the slide in our back garden where he is allowed 😂😂).

I have been pushing back on assumptions recently, but in a very polite way.

It’s a coding/introduction to coding club. Nothing cultural or family linked.

Why are the relatives behaving as if they have PR?

I think some see themselves and me as the same - his mum’s cousin. Therefore we should have equal say in what happens.

That was definitely the feeling over the school application.

You’re being very reasonable. I would be fit to be tied. It is disrespectful and weirdly territorial. It would be a thanks but no thanks. Give them an inch and all that. A 4 year old doesn’t need a coding class anyway.

This is bonkers.
He is effectively your child to bring up now. Definitely not theirs. You have given up your life to raise him, they can’t just dictate how you do it.

Exactly this. Have a clear conversation that you’re so happy they want to contribute financially and practically to his upbringing and you welcome this , but the parameters are xyz. He is part of your family so decisions like schooling etc will be made by you.

You’re doing an amazing thing to have taken him on and looking after him OP ♥️.

Yeah, that needs nipping in the bud. If they wanted to raise him they should have applied for the SGO. For whatever reason, they didn’t and he is now your responsibility. You have the responsibility for him and with that comes the decision making power etc,

I’ve said no to this.

I was going to say they should take him, but actually for a school night it’s too far away and too much travel. Especially starting the same week he starts reception.

In a bid to draw a firm line I’ve also said that no activities to be booked for him without prior agreement by me and any that I do agree to will be on the basis they take him every week unless I explicitly say in discussion before booking that I’ll take him.

I’ve also set up two chat groups - one WhatsApp and one messenger and that’s where I’ll be updating anything that needs updating (and I’ve been clear that won’t be every day). Some days I get 15/20 messages from different people asking after him, and while it’s well meaning it’s time consuming.

I’ve reiterated that I want him to have good relationships with his Mum’s paternal side, but that my cousin made clear to us all that she wanted him to grow up as part of our household and be treated like my other kids so people need to respect that as well.

It’s been absolute silence from the trickiest ones so I doubt it’s gone down well, but I’m not backing down on this.

Thanks for the replies. It’s hard finding the like between standing up for myself and doing what’s best for him in this situation.

Sounds like the kind of shit that non-resident separated parents do as a power/control thing.