To say if you book the activity then it’s your job to get the child to & from it?

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I am very, very pissed off tonight, but trying to get a bit of perspective. My usual sounding boards of DH and MIL are away for a funeral so don’t want to bother them until they’re back.

AIBU to say that if you book an activity for a child in my home then you can get the child to and from that activity?

The backstory is that the DC is my late cousin’s child. They live here with a SGO so it’s a permanent thing, DH and I have PR to make all of the decisions in his life.

I have, for his sake, facilitated (and encouraged) his contact with my cousins other cousins (I was her cousin on her mum’s side, they are in her dad’s side) as they are his family. They were close to his mum so it’s important he maintains relationships.

However, they’ve overstepped quite a bit at times and the proverbial straw has broken tonight when I’ve had a message telling me I need to take him to a certain activity on a set day each week starting from September as this relative has booked them in.

There was zero discussion about this. No checking that it fits in with the activities we have him booked into (swimming and football atm, and Squirrels in sept, which I think is plenty as he’ll be a starting reception). I have three other children at home as well.

I’m planning to reply and say that that’s fine, but they’ll have to ferry him to and from the activity as it doesn’t work for our schedule (it’s on a night two others will have swimming so MIL will have him and one other at home and I won’t ask her to take him a 40 min trip, wait an hour then 40 mins back).

I’m trying to be nice to people as I know some feel guilty that they couldn’t offer to take him in when our cousin got ill, but I really don’t feel that makes it ok to just do stuff without discussion. It’s so annoying

That’s so good to hear, I’m really pleased for all of you.

I think it’s part they see me as equal to them and shouldn’t have any issues having equal say.

The original planned carer was on their side of the family and they very much seem to think he should be cared for by their side (although none of them stepped up to offer at any point).

The original planned carer would have been easier for them to bully/manipulate/persuade into doing as they wished.

i firmly think a large part of this is because a lovely relative on that side took him out last weekend. Whenever one does something a couple of others seem to have a need to do something more / better / bigger. In many ways it’s actually nothing about the wee one, it’s just about their family politics and being seen as equally generous (or more so) than others.

main point being, if they manage to take in that he's equivalent to his new siblings within your family, they'll see how ridiculous it is that they might want to arrange things for him, or think they should have a say on his schooling.

I think it’s a bit different.
Taking the child’s view into account, this is a child that lost both his parents right? And is being brought up by a cousin (the OP)

I think having some stuff planned so that the child can see his paternal family and still in contact is very important.
How and how much should be decided WITH the OP, depending on her own limitations. Clearly where he’ll go to school was a no brainer. It might have been different if the child had been older.
But activities after school or at weekends are a different kettle of fish.

The cousins from the maternal side are taking the piss imo.

As for having a competition on who does the most of the child …. 😵‍💫😵‍💫😳😳

Xpost @JustAnotherWhinger

The original planned carer was on their side of the family and they very much seem to think he should be cared for by their side (although none of them stepped up to offer at any point).

Can I ask why the original carer didn’t carry in looking after him?

A judge told me exh sternly to stop arranging things for our dc when they weren't in his care...
Same goes. .
Update once I week with a pic and carry on with the grand job you are doing op.

I think it’s part they see me as equal to them and shouldn’t have any issues having equal say.

This is what you need to make clear is not true. They're not equal to you. You're now effectively his parent. They are not.

Maybe my suggestion isn't the best way to make that clear, but that's what you need to work on getting across, somehow or other.

OP you may already have done this, but can you "direct" their enthusiasm a bit more?

Set up a college fund for him that they can donate to. Suggest that it would be great if he could get time with his other cousins over X holiday and y holiday and do they have suggestions. See if they'd each like to have him for a week each summer to really develop relationships with his cousins. Ask if they want to take it in turns to host his birthday party or would they prefer you plan it every year. Etc. Only things that you would be happy for them to do, but clear suggestions that give them plenty of autonomy and (only because I suspect this will be important to them) are clearly all about him and couldn't be seen as subsidising your other children too.

You sound absolutely amazing. But 1 small feedback. That is a lot of after school activity for a 4 year old. Please dont add any more. Dc with trauma need time to chill.

It's simpler than it seems. They are kind and well meaning relatives - at least, let's assume that - but they don't have parental authority. You do. You are legally and morally his parent now and you make all parental decisions, in his best interests of course. They can offer to do things for him, take him out or whatever. They cannot make any requirements or demands, any more than they could with regard to your other children. Don't be afraid to say that. You are his protective mother bear now. They go through you.

Multiple reasons, but primarily she didn’t think she’d be able to do the best for him.

By the time our cousin died she was actually in full agreement that living with us, and having strong contact with the planned person, was actually the best option.

My cousin was a little worried that he’d get a bit lost in our house with my other children (3 at home and 3 adults) when she made her original decision (it was always either them or us that she wanted him to go to), but they both lived with us for 3 months before she died and it was the right decision for the wee one.

You’re absolutely amazing, I’m in awe and your cousin and her precious boy are so lucky to have you.

You are doing a wonderful thing. And are definitely not unreasonable! ❤️

By the time our cousin died she was actually in full agreement that living with us, and having strong contact with the planned person, was actually the best option.

@JustAnotherWhinger first if all, you are doing a fantastic job there.
weve had a similar situation in my family (cousin lost her mum and her dad couldn’t look after her due to schizophrenia). Agreeing on someone who would look after her wasn’t easy. And even after my aunt stepped up, it wasn’t plain sailing. This little chap is very lucky he has you in his corner.

Seeing that the planned person/carer is from the paternal side of the family, would it make sense to go through her to organise contact with that side?
I think it’s pretty obvious that after school activity was a no-go. But maybe organising some stuff for the hols where he could spend time with them then? Or around Christmas? A bit like you would if parents were separated.

it is so tricky, as it’s a constant balance of what’s best, but it’s so hard to know what is best in many situations.

That wouldn’t work unfortunately. Although they are her cousins so she knows them better they’re worse to her.

And at this point I think it’s important that they just know they need to come through me for anything. Yes we’re all cousins of his mum, so we were equal to her, but he lives with me and he’s only 4 so there’s a lot of years of juggling ahead. They’ll just have to get used to fitting around me.

I thought it was you. I remember your previous thread and am so glad that the wee one is with you. I hope he's doing well - I loved the sound of the negotiation on walking to school alone based on the distance to the slide in the garden 🤣

Edited to add the bit I meant to say in the beginning. You're his guardian and have PR . Other relatives remain important as relatives but aren't taking the responsibility and don't automatically have any rights either. Your stance that everything goes through you is the only possible one.

@JustAnotherWhinger So glad that the money situation was worked out and I sincerely apologise for calling the other person a selfish cow, when clearly she is anything but.

Tbh the slide conversation makes me fear the future!!

If at 4 he can come over to me and point out that he’s allowed to go to the slide alone and that’s further than the school gate then I’m fearing the teenage debates 😂😂

He’s doing well. We have good days and bad days, and we had a bumpy time when he realised that gone forever wasn’t just a long while, but he’s doing so well. He’s an amazing wee kid.

I mean you can't fault the kids logic 😂

I don’t wish to be cynical, but I suspect there’s a lot of virtue signalling involved. As time goes on and his situation becomes more routine, they will likely lose interest. Especially if you manage to ‘grey rock’ the whole situation.
I’m really glad things are going well for you. He’s had the very best of solutions to a sad situation.

Oh there definitely is "I care about him more than you do! You took him on a day out, I bought him a whole YEAR'S worth of activities".

Its something I could see happening between three siblings in my extended family (some of my cousins funnily enough!), all desperate attention seekers and all wanting to beat the other two. They would care more about how they look than the child concerned.

You really can’t.

I was chatting to the HT at the nursery & reception party last week and when I told her she said he had excellent critical thinking skills 😂

There is definitely a lot of one upmanship going on amongst themselves.

Now we’re a year in, we’ve had all the firsts and we’ve got starting big school coming up it’s time to nip some of it out.

Can I suggest you do it in a really boring way? If they are drama lamas, then anything they can push back against or feel victimised or snubbed, will just keep them engaged.

Really boring, delaying responses, with little emotion, will help them lose interest. I think it may be worth a bit of effort as a strategy. Lots of ‘Ah, that’s nice’, but never fixing a day. ‘What a shame he can’t go. I’ll let you know when he’s a bit more settled at school’. “Leave it with me, I’ll see how it goes.’.