AIBU to rethink a friendship after comments about weight being a choice?

[MyCherryPiee]

I met with a friend last night and she has said something which is can’t stop thinking about and is making me quite mad.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

Friend is very health conscious, fit and active. She is usually quite upfront with her words but not hateful with it. I’ve never witnessed her say anything like this before. I am just appalled at this thinking from a full grown woman.

AIBU to think the comment is more complicated than she says and also in thinking I don’t want to be friends anymore?

Okay but the post I was replying to is that being fat is a choice when WLI still exist. For most people it would still be cheaper to eat 2700 calories than afford WLI. People say that over eating is expensive and it is for some, but for some it doesn’t add that much extra to the food shop- not to equal the price of WLI.

Who is disputing this? We all know they are unaffordable for many. They are not the only way to lose weight.

Agree. You can't really be close to her if you'd stop being friends over something she said that's not malicious or said in a nasty way. Are you secretly jealous or unhappy with your own weight for it to annoy you so much.

The post saying that being fat is a choice now that weight loss injections exist.

They aren’t accessible for most people so the post is untrue.

She is right. Why would you end the friendship? You said she acknowledged medical conditions can impact weight but most times it is a choice. What's wrong with stating facts? Would you be mad if she said having a child is a choice in most situations but acknowledged that there are cases where women are coerced/abused?

And many people DON'T think it OP.

I have a couple of friends who have really struggled with their weight and I do not judge them harshly as I understand the complicated issues they have faced.

So maybe, if it upsets you, look for people who are prepared to look a little deeper.

My uncle always said ‘you don’t get fat in the house, you get fat in the supermarket!’ - the choices you make.

I don’t know though. It’s a sensitive topic. I lived with a friend for years when younger and I’m pretty certain I saw pretty much everything she ate - much less than me - we shared dinner most nights. She was bigger than me and seemed to put on weight very easily. I was lucky enough to have pretty unchanging weight - maybe different frame and metabolism.

But she's right. She didn't say "it's always a choice / their fault", just "sometimes". That's a total fact.

What on earth are you so angry about that you'd literally stop talking to her forever?

It's mostly lifestyle otherwise people wouldn't be able to lose huge amounts of weight through diet and exercise. Do you maybe not like her lack of sympathy with those who don't think the lifestyle changes needed to lose weight are worth it?

I have been both and even when bigger I know it IS the case. I can have a problem or struggle or whatever you want to call it and still know that it's up to me and I have to choose whether to overeat or moderate. Do I want to repeatedly (and excessively) do what will make me look and feel awful because it's nice in the moment or do what I'll feel good about in the future.

As a former fat person, I agree.

How tall are you?
Maybe you are one of those with an underlying medical condition. My maintenance calories are 2,200.

This has been exactly my experience during boarding school, where we had our meals dished up and only got tuck one night a week (and mine was pretty calorie dense!). Some of the girls were also more active than me, but I still just didn't gain in the same way.

Oh for goodness sake, of course it’s choice. UK obesity was around 20% in 2000 and it’s 30% now. Human biology can’t have altered to any meaningful extent as regards weight and processing calories in that period. What has altered is the prevalence of junk food and people increasingly choosing that over the healthier alternatives (which are no less available now than 25 years ago; fruit and vegetables are dirt cheap in the German discount retailers). However, as there is more crap food to eat, people eat it and blame “food noise” or as we used to call it, being greedy and a lack of self control. A lack of basic cooking skills is also a factor - another choice.

I have a four-month old and am still carrying a bit of baby weight. That will go if I lay off the pastries at mum & baby groups and increase if I keep reaching for the apple Danish. It’s not rocket science.

But it is a choice. It’s caused by eating too many calories than your body needs. Unless there are medical conditions or other disabilities that lead to weight gain or inactivity then she’s right.

Was the phrase ‘ food noise’ coined by the people selling glp-1 drugs? It sounds like a distancing technique phrase, like a sales technique.

As an alcoholic I have to decide each day not to drink, if I dont , I drink

As a previously obese person I have to every day choose to keep my calories down and steps up - or I get fat

Im just back from holidays where I took my eye of the ball and now have a 3lb weight gain to fight . No I wasnt scoffing morning noon and night, just having a cooked breakfast in the morning and an evening meal out but obviously not choosing the healthiest options for me

Every day I have to make the choice

I’m 5 foot.

I have no medical condition, had my thyroid and hormones checked. All of my blood work is fine. I think it’s just a side effect of getting older and my metabolism slowing down.

She’s technically right, we all make choices when it comes to what we eat and exercising. It’s a very simplistic way of looking at it though as I don’t think anyone would actively choose to be overweight even if they are making choices that lead to weight gain. Getting a takeaway instead of cooking after a 12 hour shift is a choice, but one I think most people could relate to at some time or another.

I doubt your friend would walk up to an overweight/obese person and say something like that to them, that would be unnecessarily mean. But I wouldn’t end the friendship over it either, friends don’t have to agree on everything and if it’s an emotive subject, I’d just avoid talking about it altogether in future.

I think that being overweight/fat is not the choice made for the majority of people. Although body positivity has a lot to answer to.

For the majority of people it comes down to the choices they make around food throughout the day and making the same choice's everyday

It doesn’t apply to everyone. Medical conditions, medications, trauma and mental health issues that cause people to put on weight.

The choice isn’t fat or thin. The choice is picking up food and eating it when you aren’t hungry Or thirsty

It's a difference of opinion and not worth losing a friendship over, unless there are other things going on, like OP feels the friend is judging her and putting her down.

Being overweight is partly choice and partly down to our environment. There were hardly any fat people in the 1920s and also very few in the 1970s.

I'm fat. I've lost circa 20kg since last summer and kept it off (so far), and I should really lose another 10-15kg, but frankly what I'd have to do to do so is extremely difficult and unpalatable, so I choose not

I don't think what she has said is hateful and I'd question why you'd think so- unless she was saying all fatties are disgusting, idiots, don't deserve to live etc, which from what you've said isn't the case she hasn't been hateful. Blunt, guilty of massive oversimplification yes, but not hateful.

I'm almost dead in the centre of the weight range I've been in across my life and it is true that to some extent being overweight is a choice. It's just that sometimes the alternatives are impossible (choice of life-saving drug, hormonal imbalance etc) or just really, really unattractive- for example to get down to the weight I "should" be I'd need to stick to 1,200cal per day, then probably no more that 1700 to maintain. I love food, so I don't do that-its my choice and I own it.

If you don't want to be friends anymore though that's up to you.

The stats for people regaining all of the weight and more is heavily stacked against them. Many people can loose lots of weight but maintaining that for more than a year or two is the hardest part in my experience.

You're misusing the word "hateful" there. It's an opinion and to be honest, a valid one. I took myself in hand and lost 4 stone more than 30 years ago. I was used to eating too much and had bad food habits.

I've kept it off - I developed excellent food and daily exercise habits. THAT has been a choice.

There's nothing remotely "hateful" about your friend's observation.

Ridiculous. If course there are some medical causes or medications whoch cause weight fain but in the majority of cases is it purely a choice.

People are becoming absolutely deluded if they think otherwise. The victim mentality is strong these days.