Another party etiquette one…sorry!

[Lilypad789]

Not for social media please.

Interested to hear what others think really.

Child invited over to friend’s house for birthday, not a party as such but 3 friends and the birthday girl. I accepted the invitation over text (almost immediately) the next day another child in the class invited lots of the class to their own party on the same day and the same time (she wouldn’t have knows about the other get together to be fair). Mum of original inviter approached me to ask if my child had been invited to the new party, I replied that they hadn’t. Anyway, she cancelled the little get together and said she’ll rearrange later in the holidays. Her child went to the boy’s party. Two of the three girls (including mine) weren’t invited to the boys party so I thought it was a fairly crappy thing to do really.

My OH says he’s not surprised and it’s standard behaviour. I think it’s teaching your kids that it’s okay to let people down and that it’s mean. My child was disappointed which I can manage and is part of life, all of which I explained to her but I did also say to her that I thought that it was poor on the parents’ part and that I wouldn’t never do that.

What do you think? Mean?

I would be surprised if there was another party later on. She had a better oif and took it A done deal .

Usually I’m fairly hard line that you don’t cancel a prior engagement for a later offer. But I do think the fact that it was only the next day makes quite a difference.

I also agree with pp that if the 3rd invitee was going to choose the boy’s party, then that would understandably tip the balance towards cancelling. A mini party for 3 is quite different to a mini party for 4 - especially with the 3 of them sitting there knowing there is a big party going on at the same time and one of the original invitees has chosen the big party.

My wisest friend (who has 2 decades between her kids) says parents are much ruder now than they were when her first one was small, and parties are one of the main flashpoints. Everything from not bothering to reply, to turning up late with extra kids.
Don't know if she's right, but lots of posts like yours suggest she might be. Not the end of the world, but rude.

We have 2 older DS’s ( mid late 20s now) and a DD ( who is 16) and as she went through 1st and middle school it would make me chuckle at all the “games” parents play, I’d seen it with our DS’s. We talk about how people behave, sometimes theres no explanation-I dont understand why, but we like to break it down and find “reasons”
I have come to realise that most people dont actually give a 🤬 about you, its a shame but its taken me 57 years to realise this….

If all of the children had been invited to the boy’s party, it would be fine to change the date. Given they were not, it was very rude.

I think if she had given an actaul date to rearrange. As in, it looks like this day isn’t ideal, so let’s do it next Friday instead. I would have been ok with that. Moving to ‘some point later’ is a shitty thing to do to kids.

This isn’t ok op. Yoire not building resilience you’re building spite and over sensitivity,

it is absoltely fine for her to cancel and set up another time as there is a clash with a bigger party, she doesn’t have to hold to the same date.

im appalled this took a ten min convo with your child who now won’t go to the next one as she’s apparently so disappointed, like it was her party,

It’s shitty behaviour and also not a big deal. Both can be true at once. I don’t know why people are banging on about resilience. You’re not crying in your cornflakes, neither is your DD. It’s ok to be disappointed and recognise shitty behaviour as such though. I doubt most of these posters would be “oh well, never mind” if it happened to them.

Her cancelling their small get together is fine. Her child may prefer to go to the party, mum may have been worried that no one would come to their gathering as they would attend the other one.

I wouldn’t have gone into detail with dc I’d have just said friend can’t dO x date now so they are going to let us know when they can.

Well they kind of are - saying they won't go to the rearranged party as it's too disappointing if it gets cancelled again!

Meh, that’s a stroppy 8 yo for you. Quite a mild reaction really to a vague “we’ll rearrange at a later date”.

Ok maybe your kids are different. If mine were simply told that friend was going to change the date of their party then they would just say ok and are we able to still go. They wouldn't huff saying they wouldn't go because they would be disappointed if it was cancelled again, the only way I see kids feeling that upset about it is if mum has made a fuss over it and said it's because the birthday child wants to go to another party, has said to her child isn't that rude, so now her child is taking on the adults feelings about the situation.

"Mummy can I go to Cressida's party?"
"Well darling you've already invited Belinda and Lettice for tea on that day"
"I know mummy but you said I choose what I do on my birthday and I would like to go to Cressida's party which I have only just found out about"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes"

Given the ease with which grown adults are encouraged to drop out of social commitments on this forum I'm surprised the same slack isn't extended to children.

What an absolutely ridiculous post. What 'internalised misogyny'? You are just throwing a strop because you've been told that you're overreacting and that the other mother was not in the wrong.

I agree, it’s a ridiculous overreaction.

Exactly this. Actual party takes precedence over low-key play date, which can be rescheduled at any point, if the child wasn’t bothered about it being on their actual birthday. You’re just pissed off your child wasn’t invited to the big party, OP. Teach her that not everyone gets invited to everything, and that expecting someone to turn down a party invitation in these circumstances is unreasonable, when everyone involved who is invited can have both.

Would you say the same if OP’s DD was invited and birthday girl wasn’t and she skipped the playdate for the big party?

Nice dig at my parenting/my kid. She stopped giving a shit at age 4 whether she’s invited to things or not. But one thing I made sure she did learn was that if you make a commitment, you keep it.

Wow. No kid is entitled and you shouldn’t teach your kids that, people move the date of things regularly. This seems a pragmatic approach, the birthday girl gets both, and for me that’s fine, she will find another date and still do the smaller event.

whats happened to people where they become so utterly toxic over very simple pragmatic things, no compromise, just venom.

It’s a play date, for crying out loud! Not marriage vows or an international peace treaty!

Honestly I would do the same if a playdate clashed with a party my DS and another child coming wanted to go to. Its not a big deal to rearrange it. At 8 A child is old enough to decide if they would rather go to someone else's party.
Sometimes things clash and you have to rearrange.

I agree with this. There are always going to be people in life that let us down, and that is completely normal. But how we respond to it is up to us.

It's a hard lesson for children to learn. My DC has a sometime friend, that they love. They get on very well. But Friend is unreliable and fickle. So sometimes Friend is nice and they play well together. But other times Friend switches over to being unkind and a bit of a bully. I've had a chat with DC about not trusting Friend because this has happened quite a few times now. To enjoy the time together if they want, when all is good. But to know that the switch will come at some point.

That rule is for her, as a result people/teachers/friends know she’s reliable and that her word means something.It serves ger well.You keep digging though. It’s quite fun watching your mental gymnastics.

Oh for gods sake it’s a kids sleepover.

Just read the first page so far, but no-one seems to have mentioned that one of the other invitees to the small gathering was also invited to the bigger party, as well as the inviter’s child. That’s relevant. By going ahead she would be forcing that child to choose and, by the normal rules of etiquette, to miss the bigger party when the smaller one could be rearranged. OP is suggesting this is a selfish decision for the benefit of her own child, but it was greatly to the benefit of one other child as well.

A valid decision imo.

Very rude and shitty of the parents. They got a better offer and let people down. Unfortunate timing for them but once you’ve committed to something you should do it, might have been different if your dd had also been invited/it had been discussed with you and you all agreed it was the better option. But to cancel because they got a better offer is poor and I probably wouldn’t go to the rescheduled party after that.