Another party etiquette one…sorry!

[Lilypad789]

Not for social media please.

Interested to hear what others think really.

Child invited over to friend’s house for birthday, not a party as such but 3 friends and the birthday girl. I accepted the invitation over text (almost immediately) the next day another child in the class invited lots of the class to their own party on the same day and the same time (she wouldn’t have knows about the other get together to be fair). Mum of original inviter approached me to ask if my child had been invited to the new party, I replied that they hadn’t. Anyway, she cancelled the little get together and said she’ll rearrange later in the holidays. Her child went to the boy’s party. Two of the three girls (including mine) weren’t invited to the boys party so I thought it was a fairly crappy thing to do really.

My OH says he’s not surprised and it’s standard behaviour. I think it’s teaching your kids that it’s okay to let people down and that it’s mean. My child was disappointed which I can manage and is part of life, all of which I explained to her but I did also say to her that I thought that it was poor on the parents’ part and that I wouldn’t never do that.

What do you think? Mean?

I wouldn’t have done it but if her own daughter was upset about missing the other party I can see why she did. The mistake she made, I think, was not coming up with an alternative date at the time of cancelling. It suggests she’s not actually going to reschedule

If it had been a whole class invite it was understandable. In this case the parent was rude

I kind of thought people would have mixed views. It seems most people think it’s okay and sensible. I fall in the camp that’s it’s a bit crappy but not nasty so I’m glad some others agree and that I’m not an alien.

I’m (or my child) not worried or upset as some posters have suggested (just a reminder to check your internal misogyny) us women are allowed to ask questions and be mildly annoyed about something without being accused of being too emotional or overeating you know.

Also, some of the people that say they think it’s perfectly normal perhaps haven’t had it happen to them yet. I cancelled an appt we had booked for this play date and it is inconvenient. I didn’t mention it in the post because the Mum isn’t to know that I did that and really I chose to cancel it so that’s on me. However, I retain my opinion that it is actually a bit poor form to cancel something planned for a better offer.

Thanks everyone.

Thw girl probably wanted to go to the bigger party so they postponed it. That's fine

It's really rude and classless. But I wouldn't make a big deal of it. I'd just not accept the next invitation...

I think I’d have done the same except I’d have got a date in for the play date immediately, not a vague promise to rearrange.

I got an invite for my daughter to attend a birthday party on the day I’d booked hers (but hadn’t yet sent invites out). I rearranged as I knew there would be guest list overlap. If I’d already sent the invites out…I guess I would have seen how many of the guests were affected and coordinated with the other parent and probably rearranged or let her rearrange.

A party my daughter got invited to yesterday had the time moved due to another party on the same day. I’d say it’s quite common to try and avoid clashes. The big issue is the play date party not being given a new date immediately IMO.

I think it’s rude. How would mum have felt if two of DC’s play date attendees dropped out because of a bigger party that her child wasn’t invited to? If all play date invitees were invited to the bigger party, fair enough. But they weren’t. Why is it ok for host to cancel in this situation but not guest?

I’d be upset in your shoes OP and I would mentally chalk them up as flaky friends who I’d be reluctant to make plans with in the future.

Just bad manners on all sides.

"For example, I believe that part of being a good friend is sticking to a commitment you have made, not cancelling when you receive a better offer."

That's one perspective. Another perspective might be that the parent didn't want to disappoint the other birthday child, so thought that she could easily rearrange her get together.

That’s my opinion. My daughter did already say she won’t accept the next invite as it’s too disappointing if it gets cancelled. There won’t be any fallout, they’ve already played together since but I do think it was classless.

I’m (or my child) not worried or upset as some posters have suggested (just a reminder to check your internal misogyny) us women are allowed to ask questions and be mildly annoyed about something without being accused of being too emotional or overeating you know.

Just a reminder that you have no idea what sex anyone is here, and also that if you're going to post on a predominantly female forum, you make yourself look very silly pretending our answers are down to 'internal misogyny' 🙄

On the other hand, half of the people who were invited to the birthday play date were also invited to the boy's party. If think if the birthday girl wanted all three of her friends to come to her little party it was fair enough to rearrange to a date everyone could make. I think socialising in even numbers works a bit nicer with kids; whenever I was in odd number friendship groups at school, it always felt like someone was getting left out a bit.

Your child is 8, when the party was rearranged that is all you needed to say. Oh Sarah has changed her party get together to later in the holidays, what do you want to do on Saturday instead? Shall we go to the cinema/park/whatever?

It sounds like you have made it an issue with your child by mentioning she cancelled and went to another party. It sounds like the birthday host and 2 other children were invited to the bigger party. That left just your DD and one other so to me it made sense to reschedule.

I don't know any child who would make a comment like next time I won't accept an invite in case it's cancelled again and it's too disappointing.
I can only think you have pushed your annoyance over it onto her.

Given that the mum sought to rearrange just one day after sending out the invitation, I don't think it's a big deal. It would have been different if she'd cancelled the day before.

It doesn't seem like a big deal to me. I'd say if I have a play date organised for my kids, it ends up getting rearranged or cancelled at least half the time, due to sickness, weather, family issue or something else came up. It's more surprising if one actually goes ahead on the original date.

I dont think that’s rude at all. I thought you were going to say that you’d got an invite to the new party and you wanted to cancel on the original party. Now THAT would have been really rude and upsetting for the birthday child if she hadn’t been invited to the new party. That’s a much more likely scenario.

In this case the mum just thought her DC would enjoy the other party, and it was easy enough to rearrange the birthday play date.

It isn’t at all; and you’re making it into far too much of a deal for your child. Are you seriously not going to accept the rearranged invite because your DC will be disappointed if it gets moved again? Surely they need to be a bit more resilient of this is the case?

Yeah it's pretty shit of party 1 mum. Especially given your DC hadn't been invited to the second party and she knew this.

Different if party 2 was a whole class party and everyone was invited and party 1 mum just rescheduling to allow all her invitees to attend both events.

We also do small parties for our kids' birthdays (2-3 kids invited), and because of the low numbers if more than 1 kid can't make it we'll usually reschedule to a better time.
In this situation, the majority of the children could make it, so we would have stick to the original date.

The only reason I would reconsider this though is if my child wasn't generally invited to many parties. If he's finally invited to 1 that year, sorry but I'm going to make sure he attends!

I can understand you not being impressed.
However, I suspect as it was a boys house she was invited to and that boy then got an invitation to another boys party, she might have felt under huge pressure to move it and accept the other invitation because her son really wanted to go.

Yes she could have absolutely told her child No, we have already invited a couple of friends to ours, but she probably didn't want to upset him on his birthday.

I tend to be someone who is very much you stick to the first invitation you accepted, but in this instance I would think it was a difficult one for his mum and let it go.

She probably was stressed over this when that invite came in and he suddenly wanted to go to it more than have a tea party at home.

It's pretty standard. If it was just a small gathering, and a big party suddenly clash, why not arranging the gathering? Surely it makes sense.

This.

X

I have a different opinion than most on here - that it was just a playdate
It was the girl's birthday and she chose to celebrate with a small number of friends rather than a large party - it wasn't a playdate it was a birthday party
I did this for my daughter with a 'summer holidays' birthday - made it into a big thing to make up for not having a big party
My daughter would have been excited when she was 8 to have been one of the chosen few and upset if it was cancelled so the birthday girl could go to a party she wasn't invited to

Playing devils advocate here.

Did the third girl want to go to the boy’s party instead or did her mum ask the birthday mum to rearrange? If the third girl declined the original invite, I can understand why birthday mum preferred to rearrange. With such a small party, one missing guest would really change the dynamic.

It’s not ideal that she cancelled, but not the end of the world. With such a small party, she’s probably trying to find a date that suits everyone.

This if the mom asks you just say oh sorry we are busy. Teach her to mess people around.