AIBU to step back from a long friendship without explanation?

[Bluebottle111]

Name change as this is definitely outing!

Sadly, I think my friendship of 15+ years is ending. WIBU to just cut away, or do I owe her an explanation?

My friend Hannah and I see each other usually once a year and we’ve always had a lot fun. However, for the past 9 years it has been me always traveling with the kids to hers, around 5 hours drive away. I have children, animals and am a single parent. It is just her and her partner, but there have always been excuses as to why she cannot travel to me.

In April this year we agreed to come to her for her birthday in November, something we haven’t done before. Unfortunately this now clashes with a family wedding and as it’s a close relative I will be going to that. In May I phoned my friend to explain and apologise, and suggested we come to see her before the start of school in late August. She said she was very upset and disappointed, but understood and was looking forward to the alternative visit.

A mutual friend got in touch 2 weeks ago to say that Hannah is seriously angry with me about her birthday weekend, and suggested that I stop contacting Hannah for a while. Hannah has been badmouthing me and said that she doesn’t want to hear from me. Screenshots have confirmed that she’s said some awful things about me. Mutual friend doesn’t live near either of us and is not aware- I think- that I am due to be visiting in just over a months’ time. Hannah has said nothing to me about cancelling, despite me updating her over May when I booked animal sitters, accommodation and trains, sending likes as I messaged her with little updates all that time.

I feel blindsided and like a complete mug. Why let me make all this effort if she’s so angry that she doesn’t even want to be in contact by text? Since I’ve stopped messaging I’ve heard nothing back from Hannah.

I won’t be going to see her, obviously, and thankfully am not much out of pocket, but I’m not sure whether to message Hannah and tell her that I won’t be coming, or do I just wait until she gets in touch with me- if she ever does? AIBU to just cut away?

I'd be waiting for her to contact you first.

I would just keep my silence and see if she reaches out. Do you have copies of those screenshots?

She's an entitled madam isn't she ? Way too much drama.

Be even less available.
Like 12th of never...

I would never speak to her again, personally

I would stop contact, but I would absolutely tell her why. She needs to be told exactly why what she has done is unacceptable.

Tell her what you have heard and seen and see how she responds.

Wow, your mutual friend sounds a trouble maker. You need to speak to Hannah.

Bloody hell OP, I'd be going scorched earth on someone meant to be one of my closest friends who not only bad mouthed me to others, bitched about me behind my back and sent cruel messages about me.

Good grief- I'd be cutting her out of my life so fast her stupid princess head would spin. She'd be dead to me for that. Absolutely dead to me.

I’d be honest.

“Friend, I’m so disappointed to see the messages you’ve sent to mutual friend. I can’t believe you think of me like that after such a long friendship. There’s no going back for me, so I won’t be able to come next month, it’s a shame but I hear you loud and clear. All the best “. Then block.

She must be so incredibly self centred to react like she has.

Yes, our mutual friend sent me screenshots when I asked what sort of things Hannah had been saying.

This was my thinking. I didn’t put it very well in the OP as I clearly don’t owe her an explanation or anything else. You’ve put it much better, she needs to understand that this isn’t how friends behave, ever.

So you were having normal contact with Hannah - and then someone else told you this story?

I know you said there are screenshots, but are you sure they're genuine? Because it sounds like this person contacted you out of the blue to tell you the story.

I'm a bit stunned that you've always been doing the travelling for nine years but the main concern at the moment is to establish whether or not what you've been told by third-party is true.

Yeah def tell her, I like the suggestion up thread. After 15 years, this is a ridiculous reaction to you canceling months ahead and there would be no going back.

I wouldn’t mention the friend and screenshots to Hannah unless you could do so in a pretty vague way and there are a few people who could have told you she was badmouthing you. To be honest you could even say the initial parts of your op were the reason - never coming to see you and overreacting when you were unable to attend due to family wedding.

Can’t you ring her and ask her what’s what?

What sort of things was she saying about you?

You gave her 6 months notice that you couldn’t do the November date, and she threw her toys out of the pram? And she can never visit you? Cancel your visit!

I wouldn't go and visit after seeing the screenshots but I would be reluctant to drop your other friend in it without talking to her first.

I suspect "Hannah" is planning to punish you by allowing you to make all the arrangements and then cancelling at the last moment. I would sit tight and not message again. Let her show her hand. If she does message and still expects you to visit I would tell her that you cancelled your arrangements when you heard what she had been saying about you. If she gets in touch to cancel I would just say "no problem sounds like it's best to leave it, take care".

I think you need to decide what outcome you would like. If you don't want to have any further contact then I don't see the point in calling her out on it just move on.

Why is this mutual friend involving herself? If Hannah has a problem with you she should speak to you herself. You don’t know if what she is saying is true.

If you drop her/cancel then it will cement her view that you have let her down. Leave it to her to cancel.

OP literally has screenshots from her mutual friend showing what Hannah said. I doubt mutual friend involved herself (since Hannah sent the messages), but is just letting OP know. I would hope a friend would do the same in similar circumstances.

I am very curious as to why the mutual friend has gone so far out of her way to stir up shit. Sending screenshots? Advising you not to make contact? FFS the screenshots thing sounds like something in Year 7 would do, and “suggesting” that you don’t make contact when it’s not her place to make any kind of suggestion at all.

Of course Hannah’s behaviour is unreasonable but in 9 years if she couldn’t ever visit you, I’d say she has already pulled back from the friendship long ago.

OP, for the sake of closure I would explain to Hannah what you’ve been sent. See how Hannah responds and honestly, if she doesn’t apologise, I would cancel and be clear that her behaviour is why (and that you are out of pocket doing so).

Good point. So we don’t message very often, we mainly have a catch up call every few weeks. May’s messages, which were not many, were just giving things like train arrival, accommodation address, pet sitter sorted etc. Hannah’s messages had seemed shorter, abrupt even and mainly thumbs up reactions. We both do this sometimes when life is busy, but there were a couple of messages in June where her responses, now I’ve reread them, could be interpreted as quite abrupt. They’re ambiguous and at the time I just assumed she was tired or rushing.

The screenshots are real as they reference something specific I said in one message.

I’m a bit stunned too that I’ve let this just become the norm all this time. I’ve been a fool and a doormat, but no longer. I can see now that this has been unhealthy for a long time, and I’m lucky that my other friendships are genuine and mutual.

@Bluebottle111 I wouldn’t even get into conversation with her about it. I’d simply message ‘I can’t make our visit next month after all, I’ve had a better offer!’. Enjoy the summer.

Then block. That should give her plenty to moan about and she should realise that something has occurred but she’s not worth discussing it with.