AIBU to step back from a long friendship without explanation?

[Bluebottle111]

Name change as this is definitely outing!

Sadly, I think my friendship of 15+ years is ending. WIBU to just cut away, or do I owe her an explanation?

My friend Hannah and I see each other usually once a year and we’ve always had a lot fun. However, for the past 9 years it has been me always traveling with the kids to hers, around 5 hours drive away. I have children, animals and am a single parent. It is just her and her partner, but there have always been excuses as to why she cannot travel to me.

In April this year we agreed to come to her for her birthday in November, something we haven’t done before. Unfortunately this now clashes with a family wedding and as it’s a close relative I will be going to that. In May I phoned my friend to explain and apologise, and suggested we come to see her before the start of school in late August. She said she was very upset and disappointed, but understood and was looking forward to the alternative visit.

A mutual friend got in touch 2 weeks ago to say that Hannah is seriously angry with me about her birthday weekend, and suggested that I stop contacting Hannah for a while. Hannah has been badmouthing me and said that she doesn’t want to hear from me. Screenshots have confirmed that she’s said some awful things about me. Mutual friend doesn’t live near either of us and is not aware- I think- that I am due to be visiting in just over a months’ time. Hannah has said nothing to me about cancelling, despite me updating her over May when I booked animal sitters, accommodation and trains, sending likes as I messaged her with little updates all that time.

I feel blindsided and like a complete mug. Why let me make all this effort if she’s so angry that she doesn’t even want to be in contact by text? Since I’ve stopped messaging I’ve heard nothing back from Hannah.

I won’t be going to see her, obviously, and thankfully am not much out of pocket, but I’m not sure whether to message Hannah and tell her that I won’t be coming, or do I just wait until she gets in touch with me- if she ever does? AIBU to just cut away?

Mutual friend is a shit-stirrer and I would trust her as far as I could throw her. Hope you haven’t told her anything in confidence as she’ll be broadcasting it to the world.

Sometimes we get annoyed, and sometime we vent to (trusted) people, but we get over it once we have had a bit of time. I’ve had the same best mate for 40 odd years, and there have been times when she has really pissed me off, and I’ve offloaded to my sisters.. but those times pass.

3 sorry by op?? The only sorry should be from the nasty backstabbing “friend”

They are snide sarcastic sorrys...!

Hi op just message say hi Hannah I won’t be visiting you as I don’t need friends like you. Don’t even tell her why just leave her to stew. Cheeky self centred bitch.

She thinks she’s much more important than you; I can’t believe that you’d traipse there with children in tow when she can’t be bothered to ever visit you. Your mutual friend has done you a favour, there’s no reason why a change of plans should cause so much drama.

I thought that too!

I mean you did let her down after saying you'd attend her birthday, it was really important to her and she's just really upset. I don't see how that is unreasonable.

I'd message saying you're sorry for letting her down over the birthday but you'd heard she was very angry about it so maybe she'd prefer it if you don't come in the summer. Be the reasonable one, leave the ball in her court and see what happens.

Just ignoring her is childish.

She has a birthday every year. Presumably the OP’s family member getting married the same day is hoping it will be once-off. Deeply childish to get upset at someone choosing a family wedding, by most reckonings a comparatively bigger deal, over a birthday. It’s not even clear if there’s a party! And that’s leaving out the fact that the OP has made a five-hour trek with children, and using pet sitters, to see BirthdayZilla, annually, for nine years!

Something I learnt recently is this thought :

WHY did Hannah think your mutual friend was a safe place to bitch about you? Why did she not consider the possibility that your mutual friend might put her in her place?

alas, your mutual friend did not.

as for your friend, I think it’s reasonable to bring it up with her and let her explain her frustrations. You could have an adult conversation and lay out your own issues and work on a way of getting through it. Maybe not. But maybe 15 years is worth a try

Wow. I’d tell her ur no longer meeting her and word has got to you about the nasty things she has said and also that you will always prioritise family wedding over a birthday of a friend, like grow up u get a birthday every year. What is she 5years old!? I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of telling her which person told you, she can work that out herself

What would you “tell yourself to do?” You dont need anyone’s permission to make a positive change in your life!

The other friend passing this to you is shit stirring.

however, I feel that the friendship with Hannah may have run its course. Understandably you’ve chosen to go to the wedding of a close relative and you’ve given her months and months of notice. She should understand.

That will the fact you always have to do all the travel.

I would consider telling her how hurt you are by these messages, explain again why the wedding is more important and how you’ve given her many months notice of that and say that as a result you won’t be visiting next month: Then step back and see what her next move is. That may just solve your problem.