AIBU to step back from a long friendship without explanation?

[Bluebottle111]

Name change as this is definitely outing!

Sadly, I think my friendship of 15+ years is ending. WIBU to just cut away, or do I owe her an explanation?

My friend Hannah and I see each other usually once a year and we’ve always had a lot fun. However, for the past 9 years it has been me always traveling with the kids to hers, around 5 hours drive away. I have children, animals and am a single parent. It is just her and her partner, but there have always been excuses as to why she cannot travel to me.

In April this year we agreed to come to her for her birthday in November, something we haven’t done before. Unfortunately this now clashes with a family wedding and as it’s a close relative I will be going to that. In May I phoned my friend to explain and apologise, and suggested we come to see her before the start of school in late August. She said she was very upset and disappointed, but understood and was looking forward to the alternative visit.

A mutual friend got in touch 2 weeks ago to say that Hannah is seriously angry with me about her birthday weekend, and suggested that I stop contacting Hannah for a while. Hannah has been badmouthing me and said that she doesn’t want to hear from me. Screenshots have confirmed that she’s said some awful things about me. Mutual friend doesn’t live near either of us and is not aware- I think- that I am due to be visiting in just over a months’ time. Hannah has said nothing to me about cancelling, despite me updating her over May when I booked animal sitters, accommodation and trains, sending likes as I messaged her with little updates all that time.

I feel blindsided and like a complete mug. Why let me make all this effort if she’s so angry that she doesn’t even want to be in contact by text? Since I’ve stopped messaging I’ve heard nothing back from Hannah.

I won’t be going to see her, obviously, and thankfully am not much out of pocket, but I’m not sure whether to message Hannah and tell her that I won’t be coming, or do I just wait until she gets in touch with me- if she ever does? AIBU to just cut away?

I would end the friendship, you are not being unreasonable. Whether you decide to explain why or not is up to you, but I feel that if she hasn’t made the effort for so long and hasn’t made the effort to speak to you about how she’s feeling, then she doesn’t deserve your effort of giving her an explanation x

Sounds like a bit of a one way friendship and no true friend would be annoyed that you're going to miss their b'day because of a wedding.

I don't know the motive behind the mutual friend but either way, perhaps she has done you a favour in the long run. Be careful though with whatever you write or say to the mutual friend because they in turn would probably tell Hannah. Healthiest now is to keep out of it and head held high, you didn't do a thing wrong.

I always find it a bit strange when adults act like children over their birthdays.

Why not just send her those screen shots with the message WTF? Either she’ll say mutual friend created them using AI and has gone bananas or her secret anger will be revealed. You can’t just take this other friend’s word for it that this is what happened. Hannah has to know. It might not even be true!

For me it’s the wider situation, that is you’ve done all the running for 9 years whilst she hasn’t made the effort back and made excuses. I don’t think she would be a big loss as a ‘friend’. I think losing her would save you time, effort and hassle with the travel and I would hope you could make new, better and maybe more local friends.

This @Bluebottle111

It all sounds a bit odd to me. A lengthy friendship which relies on one party making what sounds like a ridiculously complicated annual trip that’s booked so far in advance that last year she suggested you attend her November birthday and you were able to cancel more than six months in advance because of a wedding, and said friendship is now falling apart because one person is being a diva about a birthday party and another friend with suspicious motives has stuck her oar in to stir the pot?

As I’ve gotten older I’ve lost friends as the whole relationship has centred around me visiting them and never being reciprocated. Even worse when she has no children and you do.

She sounds like she likes drama though, I bet she doesn’t really care but likes making a fuss.

God she sounds like an all about me one.

Hi Hannah
Sorry wont be able to make the new arranged date. Ive heard you arent happy about me having to move it due to a family wedding.
Sorry you feel that way. Im also sorry to see the things you've said about me and how you really feel.
Take care.

I would just leave it there and let it end. I would 100% tell her the reason why though rather than just let it tail off

Very few friendships survive disparity in wealth, politics and marital and children/no children status. I think you are fine to withdraw with no explanation. I tis self-explanatory.

I would completely ghost her. That you have been so accommodating for years and she has reacted this way to
a change of plans shows how little she cares for you. Why does she deserve an explanation? And all this over missing her birthday weekend?! Is she 8 years old?

I personally would be grateful for a mutual friend showing me that another is talking so much trash behind my back. The OP had no idea.

I think telling her you won't be visiting is reasonable, but I'd hold off telling her why initially. I'd just be curious to see if she asks why. If she doesn't respond, I'd enlighten her.

Block. Delete. Who needs that x

Mutual friend is a bit of a weirdo, no? Tbh the whole situation sounds quite odd. Sorry you’ve had to go through this. People sure are strange.

I don't know i would agree with that, my best friend is childless, unmarried and penniless (whereas i am not) but we still have a good bond!

Yeah this is very odd. Like teenagers.

I completely disagree with this. You cant expect your friends to live completely parallel lives - eg you both get married at the exact same time, you both get exactly the same well paying jobs, you both have children at the exact same time etc

It would be absolutely impossible to time those things exactly with each other so unless you are being a bit flexible to each others circumstances, which in my opinion, is what friendship is, you wouldnt have any friends left if you only remained friends with people going through the exact same life circumstances you were at exactly the same time

Block and delete her. What a drama queen.

Was Hannah just venting to the mutual friend, who had taken it all too literally?
You could say to H that given what she’s said to MF, would she prefer you didn’t come to visit?

I mean, given that she’s furious with you and ‘badmouthing’ you I’d consider that she’s already ended the friendship herself. I wouldn’t contact her.

Honestly, a good friendship would be able to work this out. À weak friendship would end.

You’re describing your best friend as penniless? Do you say that to her? Jeez

Yes, if the arrangements are set in stone I would confirm that you’re not coming but very briefly as suggested just saying that unfortunately you can’t make the visit. If she tries to guilt you, I’d say that her lack of reaction led you to assume that she wasn’t keen, that you’re incredibly busy and that visiting her every time just isn’t going to work for you going forward.

If the arrangements weren’t final then I would wait for her and then say that since you hadn’t really heard from her since April you’ve now made other plans and feel
it might be better to give each other a bit of space whilst you deal with competing priorities.

Surely she will contact you about coming up to visit nearer the time? If she doesn't, well that's that done then. And if she does your options are ignore her entirely or tell her no and why. But in terms of badmouthing, is it literally just being annoyed you aren't coming up for her birthday? Because I'm not really sure I'd be that annoyed by that. The one-sided visiting would be more annoying unless it was what you both preferred. And it doesn't seem to be.