AIBU for getting frustrated with DP for inserting themselves in situations between toddler and I

[Whatsitallaboot]

DD, 3, is currently in the ‘what is this’ and ‘why’ stage, questioning everything, every 5 mins it seems. Last Saturday morning, after what seems like the 20th question of the morning I snapped and was fairly stern with DD, saying she doesn’t need to question everything, all the time. At this point DP decides to insert herself into the situation (this is a common occurrence), pointing out that I’m not being fair which in turn creates an argument between us as I’m resenting her for not giving me ‘breathing space’ or empathising with the relentlessness of the toddler phase. When I’m getting frustrated i don’t need my ‘flaws’ pointing out at that precise moment. AIBU in response to DP?

He refers to the darling partner as herself and her.

LOL. Myself is amused by this.

Can’t you learn to zone her out as background noise and develop a neutral sound in response to her babble? Uh huh, okay, yes, no etc… they’re much older before they realise you’re not properly listening to them 🤣

Just refer them to DP or answer the questions

I agree DP shouldn't have stepped in at that time. For many reasons, one being if a person is being snappy or short tempered for whatever reason it's pretty stupid to choose that moment to discuss their parenting style unless you really want an argument. Also criticising you in front of the child is wrong.. but you were wrong to snap too. Kids need endless patience at that age. Next time direct the child to the other self claimed empathetic parent.

Also there is a difference between a curious child questioning everything and an attention seeking child asking the same thing over and over and not listening to the replies. If it's the second, you'll both need to agree on a method of stopping this bad habit developing.

I'd pull my partner up for snapping at our child too.

When your partner points out that you are not being fair to your 3 year old, why do you need to turn it into an argument?

So it’s very occasional for your partner to point out an issue with your parenting? If it’s not an issue when you snap at your DD why is it an issue when he snaps at you?

You might as well tell a chicken not to cluck or a dog not to wag its tail.

You, her trusted, safe, all knowing parent, was having a go at a 3 year for being 3 years old, curious about the world, pointing out her 'flaws' to her.

You were being unreasonable.

So to u want to be left to snap at your child however muxj you like?

It seems like you're not really taking anything on board here

This. When you've had enough instead of snapping why not say 'why don't you go and check with daddy as I'm not sure'.

She just wants your attention when she does this. So alternatively why not play a game or do something with her to distract from the questions if they're doing your head in.

I would probably intervene if my dp was snapping at my 3 year old. It's a completely normal developmental stage to be asking lots of questions. Learn some patience.

She’s not ‘inserting’ herself into situations between you and your toddler she’s sticking up for the toddler.
If my husband had snapped at my toddler for that I’d have told him in no uncertain terms it is not acceptable.
You've said it’s a a common occurrence. What is? That you snap at your toddler then blame your partner for not sticking up for you. Good for her for not ganging up on a baby just you keep you happy.

Sorry but I’d have a word with my partner if he snapped at our toddler for asking too many questions, they’re a toddler, that’s their job! I wouldn’t be happy with their curiosity being reprimanded and would feel the need to step in too. For what it’s worth, if you find it’s too much you could reply with, “why do YOU think that is?” It helps with their independent thinking and often I’ll reply with “yes that’s a great point, I agree with you!” My boy loves this 😅

I set a limit on why questions for my sanity particularly when they are at the stage where they don’t even wait for you to finish your answer before they are in to the next why and it’s more liking the sound of their own voice and directing adults than wanting to learn

So you’re moaning about being pulled up on your poor parenting basically 🙄

Why do you expect more understanding, as an adult, than you're prepared to offer your three year old child? You seem to think that your imperfections aren't worth mentioning and should be tolerated without question, whereas your daughter's natural curiosity is a legitimate target for criticism.

If my husband isnt able to remove himself from a situation that's winding him up to the point where he would say something unkind to my child and I felt I had to intervene, I would expect him to take himself off and calm down and return to either explain himself (if there were mitigating circumstances beyond 'I'd had enough') or apologise.

It sounds as though you don't disagree that you were overreacting, but didn't like being pulled up on it. I don't think that's a defensible position. Your daughter needs to know that when someone is unfair, you can tell them, and that being told off for her behaviour isn't warranted.

Roles reversed you’d have stepped in too surely?

I find the easiest way to fend off then”why” questions if it’s something I don’t really want or know the answer to is to ask them what they think instead of answering.

Hey @Whatsitallaboot when it gets to that point, how about re-directing to suggest your toddler ask your partner that question.

If you do this just before your snap point, you can hand off and tag team with your partner, and she can take a turn with the annoying behavior.

Something like "Toddler, that's a great question for Partner! Go on Toddler, go ask Partner your question..."

Speaking firmly is not snapping

I think from the OP's perspective, it's the manner of the intervention that's the problem. If the partner can see that the incessant 'but why??' is grating, they could easily just take the child off and answer the questions themselves for a bit.
'Come on little 'un, Mum, Dad or whoever needs a break', is more helpful in the moment than criticism. We all have those occasional 'because it just is' moments of frustration, and as long as that's all it is, adding flames to the fire at that point is unhelpful.

She said 'herself' about DP as well. I'm assuming two women but why OP uses themselves and parent to try to hide the sex whilst forgetting to do that in the post is unfathomable.

You need to be patient as small child is doing what they need to do. You are not, your partner is pointing this out as you'll be continuing to upset child if you can't look after them properly.