AIBU for getting frustrated with DP for inserting themselves in situations between toddler and I

[Whatsitallaboot]

DD, 3, is currently in the ‘what is this’ and ‘why’ stage, questioning everything, every 5 mins it seems. Last Saturday morning, after what seems like the 20th question of the morning I snapped and was fairly stern with DD, saying she doesn’t need to question everything, all the time. At this point DP decides to insert herself into the situation (this is a common occurrence), pointing out that I’m not being fair which in turn creates an argument between us as I’m resenting her for not giving me ‘breathing space’ or empathising with the relentlessness of the toddler phase. When I’m getting frustrated i don’t need my ‘flaws’ pointing out at that precise moment. AIBU in response to DP?

On face value, telling a curious toddler not to question things is worse than a co-parent pointing out that you may be being a bit harsh IMO.

But why do you think your partner doesn't understand the toddler phase? Do they not engage or are they away a lot so just not experiencing it in the same way as you?

And why not ask your partner to take over for a bit if it's getting to much and you need breathing space rather than shutting down your child's questions? It does sound like you need a better strategy for coping with the 'why' phase but is your partner suggesting anything?

Are you sure you’re handling it kindly and effectively? I don’t think sternness when a child is in the why phase is particularly helpful. Humour and detaching yourself a little works much better. So if she’s protecting your DC then she’s right
to do so.

While children are so young, they need directing into better behaviour rather than telling off.

Waiting for this to be revealed as a reverse. There's no way you really see yourself as in the right when you're snapping at a three year old!

As frustrating as toddlers can be, no parent is going to like seeing theirs snapped at.

Even if it is by the other parent.

I think you need to talk to her about having some better coping strategies so you don’t get to the point of snapping. A three year old is not being naughty by asking questions, that’s normal behaviour. Can your partner step in and take over some of the childcare to give you a break from time to time so it doesn’t feel so relentless?

She’s a three year old. Her brain isn’t developed enough yet to filter her questions. And whilst it is irritating, getting stern with her will not stop it and will only upset her. Your brain however is fully developed and you need to master the art of patience. YABU.

@Whatsitallaboot - I think you were a bit harsh with your dd, but no-one is perfect, and sometimes we react in the moment, less patiently than is ideal. I also think it is not unreasonable to show your dd that you are human, and that your patience is not limitless. In this situation, I think you should apologise to your dd - tell her you were tired and didn’t react as patiently as you should have - and that, in the future, if you are getting to that point again, you will ask her to hold the questions for a while, so you can catch your breath.

The other part of the situation - the intervention of your dp - I think they were in the wrong, not for what they said, but for saying it in front of your dd - I think parents should back each other up in front of the child (except in severe circumstances), and then should address any questions about parenting with their partner when the child isn’t there.

It wasn’t a great idea to criticise the toddler for this, but terrible overall that your partner interfered , and that she criticised you in front of the child.

Yeah I would have told my partner to watch their tone if they had snapped at my toddler for being curious after only the twentieth time. You need a lot more patience than that. I like to ask mine why they think something happens when they say why - you get a good insight into their mind and it also stops the pattern of questioning.

Is your girlfriend the child's mother? You shouldn't have snapped at your child and the woman wouldn't have need to intervene.
You didn't need to argue with your girlfriend.
Learn how to manage your temper and patience and read up on child development and how to best parent different stages.

OP, do clarify if you are two women. Also, is your partner your child's other parent?

Thanks for all the insights, it is helpful to get other viewpoints.

Perhaps I should have been clearer in my original post, but the crux of my question is no parent is perfect all of the time (eg snapping occasionally), with this in mind is it unreasonable to expect understanding from DP at these times, rather than getting involved and pulling me up on my imperfections at the time?

DP is child’s parent, as am I

If it's a common occurrence you're snapping way too much. Instead of questioning your DP's behaviour you need to learn to manage your own emotions. If someone was regularly snapping at my 3 yo I'd be defending my child too.

In your op you said this happens as a “common occurrence”. So if you are snappy at your child that frequently, I don’t blend your DP for calling you out on it. At least your kid knows one parent is supportive.

So you expect perfection from your DP, but not from yourself? You bit your child’s head off, your DP presumably bit yours off in defence of your child. You really should be concentrating on why you’re losing your rag with your child.

If you don’t want to keep answering questions there’s a whole host of things you can do beyond telling your toddler not to question everything. Even “why don’t you ask your dad that one” would surely help more as it redirects toddler, gives you a break and engages him into the conversation.
Its not nice to have our flaws pointed out but sometimes when you have you’re being unnecessarily harsh to your child I think it’s reasonable for the other parent to point it out so it stops.

She’s 3. She does need to question everything all the time. That’s her job!

How stern is stern?

I can't past the gender labels. Why is DP themselves (plural) and then he and child is just she? Small point but it matters.

Snapping is very occasional (eg once every 2 months).

If it was my husband snapping at the kids I'd tell him he's being a dick. Yes the whyyyyyys are boring as fuck sometimes but seriously you need to grow up. He's not your parent, he doesn't need to back you up

I’m assuming two mums. But could be a male poster.

No because it/they/borrower/dragon then is he in the next sentence. The bullshit is seeping into everyday language, like when thick people refer to themselves as myself to sound clever. Just use the fucking words!

So what are the common occurrences then?

I think intervention in the moment is important because it helps the child not internalize the idea that they deserve to be treated like that.