AIBU to link our lack of intimacy to inequality in our relationship?

[Heretohelp1111]

My husband is unhappy that we only have sex once or twice a week. I'm not naturally a very affectionate person, so I think that probably makes the situation feel worse from his perspective.
The issue from my side is that I carry the vast majority of the mental load and household responsibilities. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing up, meal planning, food shopping, managing our finances, preschool and school runs, communication with the school and preschool, organising and attending playdates, and I'm also the one who gets up with the kids every morning. By the end of the day, I'm mentally and physically exhausted, which leaves me with very little energy or desire for sex. It also doesn't help when he tries to initiate by groping me while I'm in the middle of housework.
He doesn't seem to understand the connection between the imbalance in our daily lives and my lack of libido, and it often leads to arguments. For context, he works one or two more days a week than I do, but we earn similar salaries and contribute equally financially. Before we met, he worked very long hours, relied on fast food, and had a cleaner, so many of the domestic responsibilities weren't things he had to think about.
Am I being unreasonable for not making more of an effort with intimacy? If not, how do I help him understand that what happens outside the bedroom has a huge impact on what happens inside it?

Have you ever spoken to him about this striking disparity?

This is an absolutely awful 'marriage' OP.

Leave the sex thing aside for a minute...

Why in God's name are you doing everything and he appears to be doing nothing outside of earning?

Even if you had the energy for sex every day, why on earth are you allowing yourself to be treated like this?

It makes no sense at all.

Can’t believe this still happening in 2026. Is your partner stuck in the 50’s?

Yes repeatedly. He sometimes highlights our differing standards (I do have higher standards for cleanliness and like things done promptly), but largely he’ll say he is useless at some of it, he’s going to help more with what he can do and he appreciates me, however, any increase in effort doesn’t last.

For solidarity @Heretohelp1111I feel I could have written your OP nearly word for word. I do consider myself affectionate but my sex drive has always been low, even lower since having the kids. I have tried to explain to DH that carrying all the mental load and housework definitely contributes to me feeling less amorous, for many reasons. In spite of this I don't feel like anything has changed in terms of him really trying to take some of that from me so not sure where to go from there. He genuinely thinks that it's my low sex drive that's the root of the problem, I say it's a symptom of a different one! Have you felt able to say exactly how you feel to your husband? X

Well then it sounds like a stale mate situation

Then tell him to concentrate on doing the things he claims to be useless at.

That way he'll learn to do them properly.

But of course he knows this.

I expect he was useless at driving on his very first driving lesson but he didn't just give up and rely on someone else to drive him everywhere, did he?

Funny that.

Sorry, just seen that you have told him. In which case I can only stick with solidarity.

I know it might seem a bit pathetic and it annoys me that it even has to be framed in this way, but there are lots of men on Instagram who explain exactly this point. Allesandro Frosali is one example you could show him. Even if he doesn’t buy into it, hopefully it’ll make you feel somewhat validated and you can decide if you want to continue like this.

I think before we had kids I was happy to do things the way I like them and I didn’t feel over stretched, then after the kids came along the load felt harder to manage. He’s also got very poor executive functioning and works silly hours which all contributed to this dynamic. He is nice and supportive and encourages me to be less on it with chores and to slow down more and have time out for myself but that feels at odds with him doing little at home unless I lose my shit at him.

So sorry your experience is similar.

Tell him to pay for a cleaner and then you’ll have more energy for sex. If he’s not willing to help himself then that’s a good solution. But it should come from his ‘fun money’.

Let's break this down.

"I think before we had kids I was happy to do things the way I like them and I didn’t feel over stretched" -- He was happy to sit on his arse while you did it, otherwise he would've learned 'your way' and come to a compromise between that and his way.

"He’s also got very poor executive functioning and works silly hours which all contributed to this dynamic." -- 'Poor executive functioning' my arse. Again, he's just happy to leave the drudge to you, knowing you'll do it all.

"He is nice and supportive and encourages me to be less on it with chores and to slow down more and have time out for myself but that feels at odds with him doing little at home unless I lose my shit at him." -- He is NOT nice and supportive at all. He just doesn't give a shit about what needs to be done, so rather than taking 50% of it, he'll persuade you it doesn't need doing.

You genuinely need to look at this 'marriage' for what it is.

He's a lazy arsehole who wants a maid and a shag.
Why on earth would anyone sleep with him?

Maybe you need to be brutally honest with him OP. He does sound lazy and entitled and a tiny bit stupid. Why not show him this thread?

I said you’re being unreasonable. Because whilst you are doing more of the mental load you don’t like intimacy.

You are saying you don’t want to be intimate with him because of the mental load, but actually it sounds like you don’t want more intimacy full stop. You might be able to put up with it more if he did more at home- but there’s more to life than that.

You’re married to Julia’s husband in Motherland. Says all the supportive things. Does fuck all.

And he wants more sex?

Hes making a mug of you.

Write it down: these are your tasks, those are mine.

If he says he can't do them then he must learn how to. "Studied helplessness" is not allowed. Show him how then leave him to it.

But here's the thing - you might have to compromise on your standards a bit. I had things the other way round with my late OH - he wanted things done "just so" and his mess tolerance threshold was way lower than mine (I would have said he was obsessional! - what sort of man has J-cloths as the first item on his holiday "master list"!!??). But it finished up that he would do all these things, not because they needed doing in my eyes, but because he could not bear to see them not done. So some of your perceived load might make no sense to him - my OH's surely made no sense to me! - life's too short for all that stuff!

As to the sex ..... I'm surprised you are managing once or twice a week!

Nothing 'intimate' there at all is there? He's like an unpleasant baby.

Some men can be so thick about this. Male and female libidos are often different but they aren't some great mystery. Don't leave all the work for her to do and then whine like a spoilt child for sex and she might be more up for it 🙄

I also could have written this OP. I simply could not understand how my DH could not see the imbalance when I did all the household management, child management and worked full time, the only thing he ever complained about in our relationship was not enough sex. In the end I said to him to work it out: I do everything, and I have no time for you. The two things are related, think about it. And whilst he stood there looking completely bamboozled I said to him he was behaving like a spoilt entitled child and his being a giant inept man baby is incredibly unattractive.
Things marginally improved but he still needs regular reminders not to slide back into the 1950’s.

A “marginal improvement” really doesn’t like like much @D3vonmaid

Men sometimes “hear” stuff from other men that they can’t hear their wives saying. If you can suppress the urge to throttle him for this, seeding his algorithm could be a very effective strategy.

He needs to understand that he is not helping - he needs to do his share of his life admin, and until he does that you feel that you have an additional child to look after, and that does not make him appealing! Not being good at it … oh, poor soul, he is not good at life? How is he going to survive???

You definitely make lots of valid points but he also has a diagnosis of something that does make executive functioning difficult for him and impacts him in other ways of his life. It’s hard for me to identify though how much of an impact that has in household stuff, and how much is purely him being shit and lazy, especially as he doesn’t really acknowledge his diagnosis so would never make that link himself.