AIBU to link our lack of intimacy to inequality in our relationship?

[Heretohelp1111]

My husband is unhappy that we only have sex once or twice a week. I'm not naturally a very affectionate person, so I think that probably makes the situation feel worse from his perspective.
The issue from my side is that I carry the vast majority of the mental load and household responsibilities. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing up, meal planning, food shopping, managing our finances, preschool and school runs, communication with the school and preschool, organising and attending playdates, and I'm also the one who gets up with the kids every morning. By the end of the day, I'm mentally and physically exhausted, which leaves me with very little energy or desire for sex. It also doesn't help when he tries to initiate by groping me while I'm in the middle of housework.
He doesn't seem to understand the connection between the imbalance in our daily lives and my lack of libido, and it often leads to arguments. For context, he works one or two more days a week than I do, but we earn similar salaries and contribute equally financially. Before we met, he worked very long hours, relied on fast food, and had a cleaner, so many of the domestic responsibilities weren't things he had to think about.
Am I being unreasonable for not making more of an effort with intimacy? If not, how do I help him understand that what happens outside the bedroom has a huge impact on what happens inside it?

Not the case, we enjoy a healthy sex life when I’m in the mood, especially if I’ve had time to rest and do things for myself.

Thank you for this. I definitely am guilty of liking things done to a high standard and expecting them to be done promptly, which doesn’t help.

I do think that sometimes it is possible for mothers to think that the way they do with the children is the only right way and many men might be put off by this, feeling that they cannot come up to scratch so might as well do nothing.

My children used to have a "Daddy Day" in the week - his day off and I was at work. I think it is probably as well that I did not know everything that went on at the time! He did things his way ...

Simply put you need equal leisure time. Ask him what time he has each day when he is 1. Do nothing 2. Doing only one thing (such as commuting or working). Then compare it to your list.

No, I am sorry. If you contribute equally financially, and you do all of that on top????? This is awful. Irrespective of the sex thing (sorry, no suggestion here), immediately change all that nonsense, make him contribute equally.

Unless he's actually doing some of the work of running a household, any encouragement to you to slow down is absolutely empty words he doesn't mean. He's a little old for believing a magical fairy will come and do the housework, so if he doesn't share the load, he's communicating very clearly that he believes you should skivvy for him and that you don't deserve to live as pleasant a life as he does.

He doesn't sound very nice at all to me! I think you deserve better!

The whole idea of him sharing his unhappiness about how much sex you're having, as if he wants you to add this to your chore list, rather than making any effort to make himself more appealing to want to have sex with (by being less selfish and less of a shitty partner) is honestly disgusting.

This is really interesting, and I think it is where a lot of women go wrong.

When you're in a committed relationship, married or living together (but no kids yet), It's very easy to fall into the situation where you do most of the work. E.g., it's no extra work cooking for two than for one, or putting his clothes in the washing machine when you were doing your own anyway. And to be fair, the DP may pull his weight in some areas like getting the car fixed, mowing the lawn etc. So the disparity is manageable and not that noticeable.

However, when kids come along, it all changes! There's so much more to do, but now the DP is used to someone else doing the bulk of the household chores, and can't or won't step up. Resentment ensues. I think it's a very common tale.

The solution? As mothers, we must raise sons to cook and clean etc. without questioning it. In other words, raise them to be considerate and equitable DP's. And if you do get a DP who has not been "trained" by his mother, you have to do it yourself. I have a friend who moved in with her DP and found that he left his underpants on the bathroom floor every time he had a shower. She didn't say anything, just put them the bin each day. He soon learned.

I think you are going about this, and perhaps even thinking about this, from the wrong angle. Let's say you COULD make him understand perfectly that you don't feel close to him, don't trust him with intimacy, and don't want to have sex with him because you're exhausted from taking care of him as well as yourself and you resent him for failing to do anything like his share unless shouted at. How will that help? You still won't want to have sex and so are missing out on an activity you enjoy and the resulting closeness with your partner, and you'll still be taking on an unfair burden and resenting it.

Instead ask yourself AND him WHY he is leaving almost all of the work to you and - assuming that you have pointed out that responsibilities are unfairly divided and he needs to start doing his share - why he continues to be OK with taking advantage of you for his own benefit knowing it is hurting you when he is "supposed to" love and care for you? If he works two extra days then yes, it makes sense for you to take on more and if he has lower standards of cleanliness/tidiness then he may legitimately deprioritise some of the work you think is necessary, but this just sounds like he's opted out and is barely bothering at all.

I do work a lot less hours than him though, so in my mind it’s reasonable to spend some extra time on housework etc

Yes
it’s reasonable to do more
but not everything

In your shoes I’d be ramping up my hours with a view to this eventually going down the tubes

You are far too nice. I was like you once, realised I was far too nice too late.

once or twice a week is normal surely ?!
and for people with children I’d say it’s loads !

look up Abby Eckel who posts a lot about the unequal workload and being a married single woman.

I think you're just very different people. If he lived alone he'd happily not clean/have a cleaner. have a dishwasher and live on microwave meals.

You're the one taking on all the list of work you have in your head and not making life easier for yourself - I mean how much time does communicating with school or meal planning really need? Breakfast and lunch can be pretty similar all week, and have dinner on a rota so Mondays you have x, Tuesday you have y, Wednesday you have z etc.

Why don't you have a cleaner? Why don't you have a dishwasher? That can be his contribution. I assume your job allows you to do school drop offs and pick ups - most people would think themselves lucky to have that time with their kids - is that not something you'd choose to do anyway?

Have him get up with the kids one day of the weekend and you get up the other.

All that said having sex once or twice a week is perfectly reasonable, you don't have to increase that just because he wants it more. Groping you while you're doing housework is gross

This all sounds very transactional though, really the issue to me is - do you actually like each other?

Thank you, I will. I don’t think it’s bad going, but pre kids we definitely were more frequent and I think his world probably hasn’t changed enough to realise why I’m not as up for it now.

Can you have a think about all the jobs you do and decide which ones you can accept being done to a 'lesser' standard or that you can tolerate not being done now, as long it's done by the the end of the week, or whatever, and delegate those jobs to him?

You said you're not naturally affectionate op. I highly doubt if he started pushing the hoover round more you'd suddenly change who you fundamentally are. I am a naturally affectionate person, I'd rather say fuck the housework and have a cuddle with my DH. You sound like you have very high standards

Do you also do all this @Justaquestionplease ?

responsibilities. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing up, meal planning, food shopping, managing our finances, preschool and school runs, communication with the school and preschool, organising and attending playdates, and I'm also the one who gets up with the kids every morning.

You have successfully made a rod for your own back OP.

I used to. It never affected my desire. That's a separate part of my life that isn't really governed by those things. I fancy the pants off my dh...always have...it is irrelevant to me whether he loads the dishwasher or not. Not saying the op is wrong and I'm right...just different. My point is if she's not naturally affectionate that's just her personality.

You’re definitely right about being very different and I think you’re probably right in that I have high standards for myself and could perhaps loosen them, but the point is that alllll the extra work I do combined does actually take a lot of my time. My job is also flexible but the days I work are still full days so once I’ve done all the chores while he is relaxing I then have to log on to finish my working day while he is relaxing. He also cannot be relied upon to get up with them in the morning so that’s not an option.
As unbelievable as it sounds though we do like each other very much and get on very well. We have only ever argued about the division of labour and our differing libidos but the inequality is so blatant every day I can’t let it go, and don’t feel I should have to.

Weaponised incompetence, he sounds immature and another toxic male expecting sex on tap and to not have to deal with life responsibilities. If he isn't willing to do his share, he could hire a cleaner like he used to and surprise you with a nice clean home. He'll probably say that's a waste of money, while his wife burns herself out keeping the place clean.

You deserve better OP, be kind to yourself & it sounds like you need to start prioritising your own needs. You're not there just to make him happy - he needs to make you happy too and if he doesn't, and is not showing up to this relationship as a mature, respectful, loving hubby then bin him off. You deserve to be happy xxx

As unbelievable as it sounds though we do like each other very much and get on very well. We have only ever argued about the division of labour and our differing libidos but the inequality is so blatant every day I can’t let it go, and don’t feel I should have to.

it is unbelievable to be honest. Especially as you follow up with that you only argue about very significant things!

He also cannot be relied upon to get up with them in the morning so that’s not an option

Just no. He is their parent. He has every bit as much responsibility to get them and himself up and out as you do. You are going to have to let him suffer the consequences of not doing so, until he realises it's better all round if he does. I'm assuming he doesn't want any harm to come to the children so he should be able to be relied upon. He can be relied on to get to and do his job can't he? All the time he gets away with you picking up his slack he will continue to be unreliable at home.

I think these are two separate issues.

He sounds a bit useless and it does sound pretty unfair.

However

It also sounds like your libidos are fundamentally mismatched regardless