Birthday bill split

[KnickerlessFatWoman]

Last weekend was my mother’s birthday, so we - that’s me, my parents, sister and BIL and their 12 year-old son - went for Sunday lunch. Unfortunately the food wasn’t great, and they ended up taking my main off the bill.

My dad is someone who always wants to treat everyone, so my sister and I decided this time it was our turn and we were going to treat him and our mum instead. When the bill came, BIL asked if we could split it over two cards, but they said they could only take one payment. He paid and I said I’d transfer my share. For the sake of keeping the maths simple on this thread, let’s say the bill was £210, or £35 per head.

Both BIL and sister are crap at responding to messages, so it took me until midweek to get the bank details. I sent over £70 to cover me and one of my parents.

I heard nothing in response, but I was chatting to my mum earlier and she said “Oh, by the way, Katie said you got the money wrong - it was £210 and you only sent £70”. I said no, that was right - my meal and one other. She said, “Ohhh… I think she thought you were splitting it”. I laughed and said, “No, we said we’d treat you and Dad. I didn’t say I’d pay for three meals!”

I don’t really know why my sister couldn’t just have messaged me instead of talking to our mother about it, but that’s not really the issue. Surely she and BIL don’t expect me to pay half the bill? By treating our parents, I meant exactly that - not that I’d pay for them both while my sister just paid for her own family (which is what this amounts to). There are three of them and one of me. If I pay half the bill, sister and BIL have only covered themselves and their child - there’s no “treating” anyone at all.

AIBU for thinking £70 was my share and paying just that?

YABU (probably)

I do understand your perspective and I think that would be appropriate in some situations, a regular family meal but you say 'let's cover m&D's share'.

But if the situation is that the meal out is a gift to your parents between you and your Dsis then 50/50 is the normal split of a shared gift (regardless of consumption of that gift). If you agree to buy a celebratory cake between you, it would have been 50/50, but you likely would consume less.

But it’s the sister that’s being petty. She’s the one quibbling and running to the parent. Why are you not calling her mean and petty for not wanting to pay for her own family’s meals but instead to expect her sister who’s only on one income not two to subsidise her. Make it make sense….

Yes but then it makes no sense for the Ops dad to pick up the entire bill either by that logic.

It’s clearly just a misunderstanding. I’m not sure either is wrong per se but Op is completely fair in her maths,

I don’t have to accept it at all.

No, OP doesn’t have to accept your view, she is allowed to push back. You are sounding seriously entitled.

OP is not going to be giving her sister more free money. You just have to accept that.

You have both gone out that day and spent £105 each on a meal with your parents. Both you and your sister have come home with £105 less than you went out with. Simple. Well it would be if you had paid your share. What are you not getting?

But the OP has paid 50/50 for the parents. What she hasn’t done is subdised the BIL’s meal. She has paid enough for her and one parent and the sister should pay for herself, her son, her own husband and one parent. That is normal.

Your maths is seriously lacking.

Who actually suggested treating the parents in the first place? I don't think that's been covered in any of the posts so far...
I know you say you agreed it together but who actually made the very first suggestion?

The cake analogy is perfect!

But if I pay half, she hasn’t spent anything on my parents’ meals. With a 50/50 split, she and her family just happen to have been there while I treated my parents.

I don’t know how I can make this any simpler.

Because the sister would’ve paid just for her and her family’s meals and nothing towards treating the parents while claiming it was a joint treat. Whereas the OP would’ve in effect paid for herself and both parents,

What are you not getting.

I understand that. My point is if it the gift cost £210, she has not paid half. So it depends if they were chipping in to a meal for their parents or giving their parents a gift.

The gift cost £70.

That logic only applies if you split the bill into individual amounts. If you view it as the sisters splitting the bill it doesn’t. Depends which angle you are coming from.

But the gift was never for the sister it was for the parents. So the gift for the parents is buying their meals not the BIL’s

Well your view only makes sense if the OP agreed to split the bill which she never did. She agreed to treat the parents.

And also was it agreed privately in advance or suggested publicly at the meal? (Where it’s very hard to say no to in front of others)

my partner and sister agreed to pay the bill at their mums 60th and we were fine that we paid half even though 2 of us, 4 of them plus mums mate. The usual was mum paid it all so we were sharing that cost for her. But it was all discussed and agreed privately beforehand (and we suggested it to the sister rather than vice versa so were well aware it was costing us more per person in our unit but that was fine)

This is going round in circles!

Poster asked for opinions and I gave mine as did others. Anyone who has an opposing opinion seems to be wrong or somehow not ‘understanding’. I understand fine just disagree.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck

im just saying if you were in a supermarket and someone said well split the bill you’d just split it down the middle, wouldn’t you? Ops dad usually pays for them all so the sister may have thought op had offered to do similar except half to make it doable for them because as a family they have to pay more than her (to be fair everyone saying there’s two of them, most families are a pot and having more is more expensive than one person doing something eg three kids you have to pay for five people so it makes a lot of things like eating out unaffordable whereas a single person can pay just for themselves!!) Agsin not my way of thinking but I get it totally!!

The sisters agreed privately in advance that they would treat their parents.

I would message your sister to say that you’ve heard from your mum and you are sorry for the miscommunication.

You thought you were paying for yourselves and splitting your parents portion as a treat to them and leave it at that.

I absolutely get where you are coming from. You were treating your parents not your sister's family.

I wouldn't say anything to your sister unless she asks. Then ask for the receipt and add up what your mum and dad ate and split it 50:50 and then what you had (include your refund) and pay any difference. Your sister should be paying for half of your parents.

6 people went out and you are being expected to pay for 3, that's not on. My DB is the one that gets shafted in our family, only he doesn't because when we go out as a 6, he is only expected to pay for him lot sub everyone else. Occasionally, when him and I go out with DD we will split the bill. Other times, I will pay for all of it to 'pay him back'. Him paying half for my DD is always his choice and never an expectation.

I think it’s amazing how many people don’t seem to have heard of a 60/40 split or an 80/20 split. Like the word split just means 50/50 to so many people. But it doesn’t.

If you were out with 10 friends and said “oh, we need to split the bill” to the waiter, they would assume you meant everyone paying for their own. They wouldn’t go “which two people are paying then?”

This is why words and grammar matter (plus communication BEFORE the meal.)

We sometimes go out for family meals
Me, DH, 2DC, DPs, DB, DBIL,DSis.

Sometimes we pay for everyone.
Sometimes we all pay proportionately - by family unit.
Sometimes me and my DB will 'split' the bill. We pay 50% each. That means my DB over-pays but he and his DH drink more than us, they have good jobs and are very generous.

When with my family & friends and we say split the bill it means split it evenly, particularly if everyone has been drinking and eating more or less the same type of meal

TBH if you said you were going to 'split' the bill with your DSis I would automatically assume 50/50. As that's how we approach it.

Context matters, I would never split the bill with my own DSis with a family meal as she earns less than me and would struggle financially. My DB on the other hand - no issue at splitting a family meal with him.