AIBU to feel uneasy about my partner's inheritance plan?

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

My partner and I are planning on moving in together. We will each sell our separate properties and buy one together 50/50. He is a widow with 2 DC in their mid twenties. I don't have children.

We are starting to talk about how we would set up finances, and one issue that has come up is that if he dies first he wants his half of the house to pass to his children in trust, whilst I remain able to live in the property until I sell or die. They would then inherit their Dad's half when I die, or get their half if I sell. My half is for me to decide who inherits. FWIW, I would leave my half of the house to him.

This doesn't sit well with me. If he dies first, then half of my home is owned by others. I get on well with them, but I have no idea if they would want to maintain a relationship with me after their Dad's death.

Part of me completely understands why he wants to leave his children his share, but it leaves me in a really tricky position. I really don't like the idea of this at all. AIBU? What have others done in this position? I can't be the first person to have this problem!

"Nor do they have any say over anything else regarding the house including decor"

This is normal.

But this is not what OP's DP is proposing.

Under his proposal, his DC can make OP put in new bathrooms, kitchen etc etc, and SHE has to pay all the costs.

All maintenance and updating costs are to paid by OP, and the DC can demand anything.

Not a normal agreement AT ALL.

Is it normal for him to want his DC to have a controlling say in how the house is maintained, new kitchens, bathrooms, etc, and expect me to pay for it all? From other posters that doesn't seem normal at all.

We have this in place and it is very simple if drafted correctly. It should include parts too about you not retaining the right to live there if you get remarried, move a new partner in. It should include monetary sums about what you should pay for in terms of maintenance and what should be shared . It should include parts about essential maintenance eg a new roof etc . I think you are focussing on this idea that they will tell you what to do when in reality that won't be the condition if set out properly. Would you prefer if your partner just said " when I die you have to move out ?" . His children are actually having to delay their inheritance because of this provision for you.

This. Blending finances later in life is a recipe for disaster

His DC will have a decision making interest. That doesn't feel fair at all.

I think he needs to explain exactly how that works. How can they have a controlling say if you are 50/50? Answer - they can't.

this seems like poor advice to me from @Glowingup .
This is fairly standard and used within families as well as step families - and largely used to help with inheritance tax.

Perhaps it's worth you seeing a good lawyer @Itisallgoingtobeok just to get peace of mind. IF he is putting his money into a property that his own children would inherit, he just wants to be certain they will inherit their share one day once you have died. You aren't their mother, so you may choose not to leave it to them, so he's making sure they're ok. He sounds decent to me.

OP have you explored why we wants his DC to have a say in decor and maintenance - does he not trust you to maintain the property or perhaps he does not realise it is not a standard thing to demand in these sorts of wills.

indeed. The irony of that posters response tickled me though.

Don’t do it

stay as you are

say he declines in health, dementia say, you will be expected to care full time, saving the family a lot of care home fees, then have housing stress if/when he dies

you will be trapped by this arrangement and he’s not giving you the security of the house for any of this potential

keep your independence and hence your choices

he is expecting and his children sound like they are expecting all the benefits of you two being married but none of the financial outlays or security for you

it’s great for him and his children

dreadful for you

My mum has this set up in her will. If she were to die first I wouldn’t be meddling at all in what her partner does to the house, it’s his house and I definitely won’t consider myself some sort of landlord or anything. What do you think his children will be wanting to do?

I think this is the fairest way to do this. If you’re not comfortable with it, you shouldn’t buy a house together.

The trust doesn't have to be set up giving his children active involvement in what would be your home. It is simply to legally ring fence their share. The responsibility for the upkeep and decor remains with you.

Tell him that you won't be agreeing to "active involvement", if the trust can even be set up that way. If he still insists on trying to get that then buying a property together probably is a bad idea and you'd be better remaining separate in your current homes.

Get good legal advice of your own.

The provisions he is suggesting are unreasonable to me. I also don't want this hanging over me as I get older.

I had this set up when my Dad died, I owned part of my Mum's house as I inherited Dad's portion. That was much easier, she was my Mum, and I looked out for her. I had no desire to get her out of the house to get my inheritance, all I wanted was to make sure she was OK.

This could play out very differently.

It’s not fair

it’s totally beneficial to them

This is exact what me and husband did. We own house tenants in common as 50:50 and his half passed go children via trust as did mine, we each gs e the other spouse cash/ pensions etc in the event of death

he is 100% correct to protect his inheritance to his children .

It’s not standard for the remainder beneficiaries under a trust to have a say in how the property is kept where only the lifetime beneficiary has a financial liability actually. This is an unfair agreement and not standard at all. Imagine having to pay for a new kitchen and bathroom every 10 years on the say so of someone who does not have to put in a penny towards it. Who would actually agree to that?

Apologies, I hadn’t seen the later updates before replying. I started to type my post when you initially posted, and put my phone aside and came back to it just now having not spotted there had been further updates.

Why should the 50% ownership not living in a property have a greater say than the 50% living there?

Just sell up if you were to lose DH and move into a smaller property

They only have 50/50 so nothing can be done without 100 agreement.

One DC will be fine and reasonable. The other I suspect will see ££. The whole set up feels very risky for me.

Time for another chat wit DP.

What's his motivation for that?
If he's thinking of a situation where you become an anxious elderly vulnerable person who doesn't want strangers in the house to do necessary maintenance and leave the place to rot around you then he's protecting his children's inheritance. Houses that are falling down are worth less. And indirectly he's also protecting you - since you don't have children to look after your best interests in your old age. If you doubt that could happen to you , head over to the elderly parents board where adult children/relatives are trying to help aging parents with cognitive decline/heightened anxiety/dementia/house bound with various problems, often made worse by the parents refusing to maintain the house to keep it safe to live in

Do you like your current house? If so, and the two of you want to live together, the simplest thing is that he moves into your house and it remains your house. His can either be let or sold with proceeds invested.

However, it sounds like he may not have realised that giving his children landlord-style control over a shared house after he dies is (a) not normal and (b) completely unacceptable to you, so I think this may be one of those issues that can be solved with a simple conversation.

They don't! I don't think you know how this works and you are leading the OP up the wrong path.

I voted yanbu because while some people think it is right and correct, you do not. I don't think that either way of doing it is "correct" but I do think it has to suit both parties in the relationship.