Am I overreacting, or am I being taken for granted?

[jimter]

I'm 35 year old man, I have been with my wife who is also 35 since we were in school. We've been married for 7 years and have two kids.

Even though we went to the same school, we always had different friend groups because of university and later work. We also did long distance for a few years.

One thing that has never changed is that I have never been comfortable with her friend group, especially her four Besties. We were always civil, but that's about it.

The reason is pretty simple they never liked me, and I never liked them. Some of the guys in that group bullied me back in school, even before I started dating my wife, and they continued after we got together. My wife always says, "We were teenagers. It was a long time ago. Everyone has grown up." I understand what she's saying, but honestly, I don't feel like those experiences just disappear because we're adults now.

What bothers me more is how much influence her friends seem to have over her.

For example, last year we bought a house together. We both paid 50/50 from money we earned ourselves. The original plan was for the house to be in both our names. Then, right before signing the paperwork, my wife suddenly wanted it to be only in her name because she wanted to own something herself. She told I already have a villa and a share in a family vineyard, but it came through inheritance from my parents and family business, Infact she also has inherited property from her family. This house was different because we both worked and paid equally for it.

I agreed because I didn't want a huge fight, but I can't shake the feeling that this idea didn't come from nowhere. Knowing her friends, I have a hard time believing they weren't involved.

Another thing happened about two months ago. My wife went on a weekend trip with her friend group (around 10–12 people). While I was at work, she called asking if she could take my favorite car because they were short one vehicle. I almost never let anyone else drive it except her, but I trusted her and said yes.

The next day, they came back, and one of the guys who used to bully me was driving my car. I was furious. When I brought it up later, my wife just said, "Sorry." That was the end of the conversation.

Since we bought this house, her friends also come over about once a month, usually on a Friday, for parties. Our garden ends up full of people I genuinely don't like. I mostly stay inside or avoid them because I don't want drama, but it's my home too.

Whenever I tell my wife how I feel, she says this is my issue to deal with. She says she isn't cutting off her friends because they're her support system, What I am asking for is some consideration. I feel like I'm constantly expected to compromise while my feelings get brushed aside. It honestly feels like I have very little say when it comes to decisions that affect both of us.

There are other situations where I feel her closest friends have influenced decisions in our marriage, but this post is already getting long. Am I overreacting here?

Seriously?

I can certainly understand why you don't want these people in your home etc but I don't understand why you dated her when you must have known she was part of that group - let alone go as far as marrying her knowing they were still very much in her life!

Very peculiar

You sound a bit wet - allowing her to have the house in her name only and have your childhood bully as a Godfather. You have a voice too and should have used it. On the other hand, you sound a bit controlling, expecting her to give up her whole friend group for you. You're also speculating that they influenced her decision about the deeds. Do you have any proof at all?

Try to compromise. Maybe ask her to restrict the parties to once every three months, and socialise elsewhere with her friends in the interim.

If you should reply to this, there's no need to go overboard on the exclamation marks. They don't add anything to the post, apart from making you look a bit aggressive.

I find it odd that your wife allowed her friend (and your childhood bully) to drive your car? She knew how you would feel - yet still allowed it to happen. It's almost as if she is goading you?

I think you need to park the past and think about the here and now. A relationship takes compromise, but not to the point that one of you has bent so far over backwards that you're flat on the floor.
You don't like her friends, but she does have the right to use your joint house for socialising. Can you agree a limit on how often that is? On the surface having to be out of the way once a month doesn't sound that unreasonable.
Her friends have too much influence, this is down to you to either accept or push back on. Any discussion should be about whatever the actual point is, not about how much of a hand they have had in her thinking. Completely ignore the source of her ideas, just deal with the idea itself
Your cars are a red line, they are never to be borrowed again under any circumstances.
And so on.
You are not going to separate her from her friends, although I totally sympathise with your feelings in that, so you need to work out how to deal with things within that parameter, in a way you can be comfortable with, or walk away.

You may have been together for 18yrs - what makes you think she isn't holding on to gain all she can from you?

Actually, I compromised on everything you mentioned.

I even let my bully become my son's godfather because he was my wife's friend.

I allowed them to come to our home. No one lets their bully into their home, but I compromised because of my wife. There were many other things I compromised on too. Aren't all of these compromises?

Things eventually got out of control, and they started taking advantage of my compromises. They literally became involved in our family and financial matters. They influenced her decisions, and once again, I compromised.

After we moved into our new home, they started visiting more and more often. I felt like they thought, "Oh, this house is in our friend's name. He has no say, so we can visit whenever we want."

Then came the car. That alone was enough for me to divorce her, but once again, I compromised.

I told my wife everything, but she thinks I'm the problem and that it's my issue to solve. I've had enough. Either she cuts them out of our lives, or we get a divorce.

How much more am I supposed to compromise? Now that I'm finally raising my voice and setting boundaries, I'm the one being blamed.

Agreed. She's still milking the cow so why would she get rid of it?

that’s how bullies manipulate and operate.

they turn things on you to make you doubt yourself and do what they want “as it’s reasonable request dont you see”
nope. all i see is a manipulative user trying to get as much from you as she can.

get counselling and start going to the gym / self defence or something to make you look and feel more in control of yourself and less threatened by wee billy big balls the arsehole friend with a big nose poking it into your business.

And I definitely don't want the guy who used to bully me driving my favorite car after I trusted my wife with it.

Your DW got caught out, she has shown she can't be trusted, what else has she done that you don't know about.

The thing is, in UK law, as you are married you both are one financial entity, so even though that house is in her name it doesn't matter. The house is the matrimonial home, if you were to get divorced all your assets would be divided 50/50 no matter whose name is on it.

She is lucky, because it's going to be 50 - 50

OP her being besties with people who used to bully you at school is simply not acceptable. It's disloyal and disrespectful.

When my daughter left school and went to college, she had to go on a placement. She was really looking forward to it- until she walked in and discovered that one of the girls who worked there was one of the bullies. She lasted an hour before ringing me in tears, begging to come home. She never went back.
Please take a step back and look at your husbands behaviour. He's actually enabling them to treat you like this by allowing them into your house- He's as bad as they are really. By dismissing your feelings his showing where his priorities lie.

I'm sorry OP, but where is your self respect tolerating this.

You have married a bully who humiliates you every day you are together by putting these people first.

Your childs godfather was a former bully?

Come on.

Clearly you don't have any self respect tolerating this and your wife doesn't either.

You have chosen this life and so it is.

The car is just another example of her profound disrespect of you.

If you were my son, I would be so sorry for your life choices.

You are not being unreasonable and you are certainly being taken for a mug. However, I have a really hard time believing that this is actually a true situation. No way would someone who loved you demand a house be put in their name only when you have both paid equally. More importantly, why on earth would you agree? If this situation is true, your wife has zero respect for you and the fact her friends influence her so much is a red flag. Why are you allowing her to run roughshod all over you? Its your house too, and your car and your money that is paying for all of her friends to enjoy your possessions and parties with people who metaphorically give you and your feelings, the middle finger. Maybe she would be better off with one of the bullies she hangs around with. She sounds awfully self centred, narcissistic and plain ignorant to your uneasiness with her friends. If this is indeed true, you need to grow a pair and stand up for yourself. You never know, she might actually respect you for it. Just out of interest, what do you actually see in her?

Why on earth would you think she’s “lucky” when she pays half the mortgage?

She was “disrespectful” then even before dating the op, throughout dating, then marrying, then having 3 children. It has been the OP’s free choice to go ahead with all the above despite this “disrespect”

Someone who truly loves me. During one of the hardest times in my life, after I had an accident years ago, she stayed by my side and took care of me.

She was one of the very few people who showed me kindness and love during my teenage years. She's a wonderful mother to our kids, and now she's pregnant again! I truly love her.

If we divorce, she is not only getting my home.....50% in Everything belongs to mine

Sorry, someone who truly loves you, does not ignore your feelings in favour of her friends. She might well have looked after you but, she's making you pay for it now. You say 50/50 if you divorce. Think again. If it's only her name on the house title or deeds, you are not getting 50%. Paying towards the mortgage does not entitle you to ownership unless you're on title or deeds too. But hey, she really loves you and she's pregnant so all good...........Not!

“everything belong to mine”?

Oh dear. You are labouring under an incorrect assumption there. Plus… somewhat different to how you have conveyed things previously. No wonder her friends urged her to get the deeds in her name.

It isn’t “your” home.
She has been paying 50% of the mortgage
and indeed the deeds are in her name.

It is both yours AND hers. Equally.