Am I overreacting, or am I being taken for granted?

[jimter]

I'm 35 year old man, I have been with my wife who is also 35 since we were in school. We've been married for 7 years and have two kids.

Even though we went to the same school, we always had different friend groups because of university and later work. We also did long distance for a few years.

One thing that has never changed is that I have never been comfortable with her friend group, especially her four Besties. We were always civil, but that's about it.

The reason is pretty simple they never liked me, and I never liked them. Some of the guys in that group bullied me back in school, even before I started dating my wife, and they continued after we got together. My wife always says, "We were teenagers. It was a long time ago. Everyone has grown up." I understand what she's saying, but honestly, I don't feel like those experiences just disappear because we're adults now.

What bothers me more is how much influence her friends seem to have over her.

For example, last year we bought a house together. We both paid 50/50 from money we earned ourselves. The original plan was for the house to be in both our names. Then, right before signing the paperwork, my wife suddenly wanted it to be only in her name because she wanted to own something herself. She told I already have a villa and a share in a family vineyard, but it came through inheritance from my parents and family business, Infact she also has inherited property from her family. This house was different because we both worked and paid equally for it.

I agreed because I didn't want a huge fight, but I can't shake the feeling that this idea didn't come from nowhere. Knowing her friends, I have a hard time believing they weren't involved.

Another thing happened about two months ago. My wife went on a weekend trip with her friend group (around 10–12 people). While I was at work, she called asking if she could take my favorite car because they were short one vehicle. I almost never let anyone else drive it except her, but I trusted her and said yes.

The next day, they came back, and one of the guys who used to bully me was driving my car. I was furious. When I brought it up later, my wife just said, "Sorry." That was the end of the conversation.

Since we bought this house, her friends also come over about once a month, usually on a Friday, for parties. Our garden ends up full of people I genuinely don't like. I mostly stay inside or avoid them because I don't want drama, but it's my home too.

Whenever I tell my wife how I feel, she says this is my issue to deal with. She says she isn't cutting off her friends because they're her support system, What I am asking for is some consideration. I feel like I'm constantly expected to compromise while my feelings get brushed aside. It honestly feels like I have very little say when it comes to decisions that affect both of us.

There are other situations where I feel her closest friends have influenced decisions in our marriage, but this post is already getting long. Am I overreacting here?

With hindsight you possibly shouldn't have stayed with your now wife, when she continued to be friends with your bullies.
However you are where you are now.
Your wife is as much of a bully as those old school friends are. In many ways, what happened in school is continuing today but in a slightly different way.
(I have been bullied over the years and in an abusive relationship, so I have some idea of what I'm talking about and what you are going through!)
There will be a degree of trauma through re-exposure to these people on a regular basis and the fact that your wife is dismissing your feelings etc in favour of her friends. You are NOT being controlling by saying these people are not welcome in your house and you would prefer that your wife did not have contact with them.
A dynamic has evolved over the years with these friends and you which will be hard to break but absolutely needs to be.
I really think you need to consider what you want from your life. Consider counselling for yourself and possibly couples.
Long term you may have to consider divorce if your wife continues to prioritise her friends over you.
If you do decide to stay, I would also ensure that everything is tied up financially, so it goes to your children, not your wife. This protects their interests, as your wife cannot be trusted.

How many cars do you have?

That's very patronising. I'm 55 and I still have strong memories of my bully. Doesn't mean I need "therapy"! 🙄

I have limited sympathy if you let someone take advantage to 'avoid an argument'.
You've been a fool, get your name on the deeds of the house ASAP.

They’re taking a chance. Can you imagine if that happened to someone who was quick witted enough to turn to the people viewing the room and say “This hotel looks good doesn’t it? We thought so at first but we would never stay here again because…” and then criticise everything.

You say your marriage is good but would it still be good if you put your foot down and said, “you are welcome to see these friends but I will not have them coming into my home for these parties anymore“
Would your good marriage still be good after the inevitable arguments when you stand your ground?

Your wife sounds like a different kind of bully.

Why does it matter? We have five cars. My wife and I each have our own car for work, we have one family car, and the other two are mine. It's not like I own all five cars

She was kind to me!! And still she is

Your wife has shitty friends and she's prioritising them over you. You can tell a lot about someone by the company they keep.

We had that argument, subtly I wrote about that in post!! She thinks I'm still holding resement about them that something happened 20 year's ago, it's my problem to solve!

The house being only in her name when you contributed 50/50 is borderline insane. I can't fathom why you would have agreed to that. GTFO.

She really isn't, having parties every month (which I find weird in itself) with people that she knows don't like you and have traumatised you, isn't kind. Why can't one of them host these parties?

It was 20 years ago. People change.

If you spend your entire life believing people never change then that's quite sad.

Have you never made a mistake? Said something you shouldn't to someone? Upset someone? Would you then expect them to hold a grudge and hate you for the rest of your life?

Saying your wife's friends aren't welcome because something 20+ years ago isn't fair.

If they had that much of an effect on you then you shouldn't have married her. You are making your wife feel like she has to choose between you and them.

Say nothing to the wife unril youve spoken with your solicitor.

"the wife"?!

Do women actually say this?

Then let her choose who is important to her!! She can find her happiness wherever she finds it

Since we bought this house, her friends also come over about once a month, usually on a Friday, for parties. Our garden ends up full of people I genuinely don't like. I mostly stay inside or avoid them because I don't want drama, but it's my home too

I don't want those people in my home or anywhere near my family. That's my boundary

Where are you laying down any boundaries? These are two of your quotes. One where they are coming to your house each month, but next says says something quite different.

You don't have any boundaries OP, this is the crux of the issue.

They host sometimes or girl's night out!!

That's nice.

Biologically the brain doesn't mature until age 25. Acting on impulse. Peer pressure. Doing/saying before thinking.

So the majority of people will have made mistakes as a teenager that potentially hurt people. Its called being human.

Its great you have been perfect all your life and never done anything mean or said anything you regret, but that is unusual.

Spoken as someone who has clearly never been bullied.

Real bullying, not just unpleasantness or equality dislike, can and often does cause PTSD and severe depression.

I could be picking this up incorrectly but I am sensing victim blaming and passion aggression in the “get some therapy” comment. As if therapy (what kind of therapy anyway???) could magically and instantly wipe away the affects of being bullied to the extent that you celebrate your bully driving a car you’re attached to.

Fundamentally your wife has no respect for you.

I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who didn’t respect me.

I Agree with @Sidge. You sound as though you were so misaligned @jimter ghats it’s hard to imagine how you got together.

I think it’s time to reassess everything.

I think this must be very hard for you.

My best friend and I have other groups of close friends. She is one of a group of four. All three bullied me in school. I absolutely hate going out for dinner or birthday celebrations with them as they will still to this day make a point that I'm not one of them. I refuse to spend any time with them, I don't enjoy it so why should I? I don't drag my friend into it and the last few times I addressed it directly; a bottle of champagne and four glasses ordered for 'the four of us'. I simply said "wow, there are five of us here, I don't actually like champagne but your manners are appalling."

How are the friends with you now? Even very subtle undermining will sting because it's opening old wounds.

Honestly what I think you need to do now is stop being passive in all of it. Who the f does the guy think he is driving your car? Go and have a word; "I don't know why you think it was ok for you to drive my car, let me be clear that it wasn't and won't be in the future. I suggest you pay for your own car next time or rent one." Embarrass him!

Say to your wife she can have whoever she wants in her life but not in your shared home. Be firm and tell her it's a non negotiable. Don't apologise or over explain "I don't like them, they're dickheads and not welcome."