I’m looking for some outside perspectives because I can genuinely see both sides and I’m not sure whether I’m being too protective or whether my DH’s own positive experience is influencing how strongly he feels.
Some background: I’m British, my DH is Swiss, and we currently live in England. Our DS turns 19 next year (you receive the information about it at 18 and go to the basic training info talks etc then too, our son has been) and has the opportunity to take part in Swiss military service. It’s voluntary for him as he was born in Switzerland and has Swiss citizenship through his dad. We lived there when he was younger, but he has grown up mostly in England.
DS is actually very connected to his Swiss side. He speaks German, French and English fluently. He attended a French school here in England, where there are lots of Swiss children, and many of his close friends are Swiss. He is not someone who has grown up disconnected from Swiss culture or language.
The issue that has come up is Swiss military service. Because of his citizenship, it is something available to him if he chooses to pursue it. DH feels very strongly that DS should consider doing it as a gap year before university, DS is currently about to take his gap year after receiving his French baccalaureate results and did incredibly well. He had offers for university and was going to attend either Uni of Edinburgh or Durham but chose to take a gap year and will be off travelling with friends in a few weeks
DH’s view is that this would be an incredible opportunity at 19. He sees it as much more than just military service he sees it as a rite of passage and an important transition from being a teenager into adulthood.
DH did Swiss military service himself and genuinely looks back on it as one of the best experiences of his life. He talks about the friendships he made, the responsibility he was given, learning to work with people from completely different backgrounds, being pushed outside his comfort zone and gaining confidence and independence.
For DH, it wasn’t just about the practical skills. It was about the shared experience and the feeling of becoming part of something bigger. Many Swiss men of his generation went through it and it was a normal and important part of growing up.
He believes DS would gain a lot from it too. He says it teaches things like resilience, discipline, teamwork, leadership, responsibility and confidence. He also feels that some of these skills are not necessarily taught in the same way in England where there isn’t a national service that young people are required to take part in at 18/19 up to age 24 at the latest. It’s just the norm in Switzerland to the point that if you do fail by 25 you are required to pay the military exemption tax so all able bodied young men essentially have to do it. He thinks education here is excellent, but that there are fewer opportunities where young people are taken out of their comfort zone, given responsibility and expected to work as part of a team in a challenging environment.
He also thinks it would be a chance for DS to deepen his connection with Switzerland. Although DS already speaks the languages and has Swiss friends, DH feels that living and working alongside other Swiss young people would give him a different understanding of Swiss culture and identity. He thinks DS could develop his language skills even further and experience a side of Switzerland that you don’t get just through school or family connections.
DH’s Swiss family all feel similarly. They see it as a huge opportunity and something DS would be lucky to have access to. They worry that if he doesn’t do it, he may look back later and wonder why he turned down something that could have been so valuable.
I do understand where DH and his family are coming from. I can see why DH feels passionate about it, especially because he had such a positive experience himself. I also think there is something quite meaningful about wanting to pass on an experience that shaped you.
Where I struggle is that DS himself isn’t particularly enthusiastic at the moment. He hasn’t completely ruled it out, but it is not something he is currently excited about. His plans are more focused on university and continuing the path he has already started in England.
DH has told DS that he would be very disappointed if he chose not to take this opportunity. I know DH means this from a place of love and because he genuinely believes it would benefit DS, but I do worry that DS may feel he is making the choice to please his dad rather than because it is what he wants.
My view is that our job as parents is to explain the opportunity, talk through the benefits and encourage him to think seriously about it, but ultimately it is his life and he needs to own the decision. If he chooses to do it because he sees the value, I will support him completely. If he chooses not to, I don’t want him to feel that he has disappointed his dad or his Swiss family.
DH’s argument is that young people do not always recognise the value of opportunities when they are young. Sometimes parents have to encourage their children to do things that challenge them because the benefits only become clear afterwards.
I can see that argument too. I’m not against encouraging him and I am also not against him doing it. I just wonder where the line is between guidance and pressure.
For those familiar with Swiss culture, military service, or children who have taken challenging gap year experiences: did they appreciate it afterwards even if they weren’t keen beforehand? Would you encourage an 18-year-old to take an opportunity like this because you believe it will shape them positively, or would you leave the decision entirely to them?
AIBU to just let him decide. He’s said to us ‘I’ll just do it if dad insists but can’t really be bothered’ which has really annoyed DH. He thinks he’s become too odd with this type of attitude and this is exactly why hr needs to do it. He’ll come back a different person.