AIBU to feel hurt by DH saying I should just stay home

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I don't know if I'm overthinking this or if I have a right to be upset.
Tonight DH and I were talking about DS and how hopefully he'll get a space in a special school soon. DH said to me if that happens I'll need to do something during the day like go for a couple of miles walk. I asked why and he said well you need to exercise. I said if he was at school full time I was hoping to get a job. DH said well yeah as long as it's school hours term time only. I pointed out that as he's been at his job for years he could ask them to adjust his hours. Oh no apparently his work aren't doing that.
DH then said I should just stay home and most women would love the life I have. He was totally serious. So most women would love to have a chronic illness while caring for serverly autistic child. A six year old who has the development of a 12 month old, a child who's bedroom I have to scrub every day because he smears his poo at night. I do absolutely everything. Cooking, cleaning, appointments, therapy exercises with DS, fighting with the LA for the school place he needs and this makes me lucky? Most women would be jealous of that? I mean anyone who is can come round and clean my son's room tomorrow.
DHs comments have made me feel really shit. Like I'm a terrible mum because I don't enjoy being at home. Or like I don't appreciate DH goes to work and I don't have to (I do understand that most of the financial pressure.is on him). I would happily swap places with DH but he won't
I don't know I just feel like I can't even complain to DH if I've had a bad day now because he thinks I should be grateful I don't have to work. He's obviously got no intention of doing anything to help me get back to work if DS ever gets a school place and I suspect (well I know) everything will still fall to me because I have chosen to go back to work.
Don't get me wrong, I love DS to pieces and would do anything for him but he's still hard work. It probably sounds horrible to say but I did quite enjoy being a SAHM when my DDs were young but they had more understanding and enjoyed school holidays (DS doesn't because it changes his routine. We also can't go anywhere because DS doesn't like busy places) and they didn't smear.
I don't know if maybe I'm just really ungrateful and I should enjoy being a SAHM or if I'm right to be pissed off with what DH said and the fact he has no intention of doing anything to help me return to work

Sorry op your dh is a selfish person he doesn’t want to do the leg work at home he expects you to do it all. I would suggest you do volunteer work for yourself and your mental health something you can enjoy meet others there is no point pushing yourself physically in a job as your dh isn’t going to help you in any way but I can understand the loneliness also see if there are any local support groups for you to attend. You definitely have a dh problem. Most women go back to work for independence their own money and a break from childcare which is hard enough but yours situation sounds even worse.

I feel for you OP. I thought I would be able to go back to work when the kids had started school, but DS15 is out of school with an EHCP and does EOTAS with tuition at home. I have to be here for his tuition, and he can't be left alone for too long. Our DD12 is at also at a school 6 miles away with no affordable public transport, so I have to drive her.
I manage to work part time across six days a week and I would LOVE to work full time. I assumed I could go back into my career, and I'm 48 and hear people wanting to retire, whereas I'd like my life to be more fulfilling. I love the kids, but I didn't see myself having to reduce work so much.
DH would take a lot of this on, but he is the skilled one of us (we run a business, and he is crucial to it), but he also doesn't drive so even if he took the day off to be with DS he can't run DD to and from school.

Well I did try and talk to him Saturday night but I'm not sure we really solved anything. I told him his comments hurt me and why did he think anyone would be grateful to spend their day cleaning shit off the floor and chasing appointments and doing exercises with DS and only having limited time to do all the things I need to before DS comes home again. It's not exactly easy when he's home as he's incredibly energetic and needs lots of outside play.
DH said he hadn't meant that, he'd meant most women would be happy to be at home and I said so not grateful to be in my situation at all then (I didn't bother to point out that quite a lot of women don't want to be at home). And he couldn't answer that.
I asked him what did he really want/how did he see things changing. He said he didn't want things to change, that this arrangement works best for him and DS. He didn't say but implied I was being selfish by wanting to go back to work and that he's already told me he can't change his hours or go part time or request flexible hours. I said you can request flexible hours and the company can't just say no there needs to be a reason. He said they've got a massive HR department and would certainly find a reason to reject it. So I guess that's it. I can't force him to request different hours.
I then said I need time to myself and DH went mental. He said you've just said what hard work it is caring for DS and now you want me to do it and work.
I said no I want you to look after him one day a month on a Saturday or Sunday. One day out of 30 and I will do the same for you.
He just said no, not happening and put the football on. So I just left it. I will have to think about my next move.
Generally me and DH do get on well but this is becoming too much of an issue.

So he's not prepared to look after his son just one day a month (should be one day a week given what you have said about DR'S needs)?
I'd be getting rid of the deadweight for that, for refusing to even explore flexible working and for the various comments he has made.

He is BVU for not getting involved in the hands on care for your son. I can't begin to imagine how hard it is, but who just throws their hands up & turns away from their part in caring for a human they made?!?

There are all sorts of reasons he needs to be able to provide care to the same level you do. Maybe start with a couple of weekend days where you go through everything & he works alongside you, then start with a couple of hours of him in the house with DC and build up.

I'm not surprised he had the reaction he did OP - he's git away scot free with it so far. Pick your moment to keep chipping away though.

Would any part-time education courses grab your interest?

What kind of father refuses to care for their child ONE DAY A MONTH? Absolutely disgusting.

No, he just wants to to stay at home so that he won't have to do all the required care work or housework. It's just convenient for him. Most men are very selfish. Leaving your full-time job was a mistake. We sacrifice so much for our kids but nobody will ever say 'thank you'.

He went mental?
To shut you down.

Just another selfish abusive arsehole.

You do need to reach out for support.
This is not a marriage.

This is an abusive controlling relationship.
You need support.

He knows well how hard this is, and he just doesn't care.

Keep your cards close to your chest and think hard.

If it was me, I would plan on walking out that hour he takes your child out.
I would leave him to it.
I know it sounds dramatic, but the truth is that you carrying this alone cannot continue.

Your health is at risk.
I feel so sorry for you.

What do you mean he won't look after him one day a month, what happens on weekends now? Does he get to relax while you continue to do all care?

Your ‘D’H is a selfish cunt.

I am the non working parent to a non school attending SEN child and my DH pulls his weight after he gets in from work. He also Flexi-ed his hours to do some of the running about to activities so I can have an hours peace and expects me to do whatever I like in that time. Even if that’s stuff my face with KFC and watch shit on Netflix. Because he knows if I break completely or burn out he’s fucked and will have to pick up all the slack All. Of. It and he couldn’t do it.

Your DH is incredibly short sighted, selfish and lazy. You have nothing to be ‘grateful’ for not being able to work and being a prisoner to your child’s needs 24/7 lets be honest even when they ARE at school you are spinning your wheels trying to keep on top of everything at home, yes?