AIBU to feel hurt by DH saying I should just stay home

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I don't know if I'm overthinking this or if I have a right to be upset.
Tonight DH and I were talking about DS and how hopefully he'll get a space in a special school soon. DH said to me if that happens I'll need to do something during the day like go for a couple of miles walk. I asked why and he said well you need to exercise. I said if he was at school full time I was hoping to get a job. DH said well yeah as long as it's school hours term time only. I pointed out that as he's been at his job for years he could ask them to adjust his hours. Oh no apparently his work aren't doing that.
DH then said I should just stay home and most women would love the life I have. He was totally serious. So most women would love to have a chronic illness while caring for serverly autistic child. A six year old who has the development of a 12 month old, a child who's bedroom I have to scrub every day because he smears his poo at night. I do absolutely everything. Cooking, cleaning, appointments, therapy exercises with DS, fighting with the LA for the school place he needs and this makes me lucky? Most women would be jealous of that? I mean anyone who is can come round and clean my son's room tomorrow.
DHs comments have made me feel really shit. Like I'm a terrible mum because I don't enjoy being at home. Or like I don't appreciate DH goes to work and I don't have to (I do understand that most of the financial pressure.is on him). I would happily swap places with DH but he won't
I don't know I just feel like I can't even complain to DH if I've had a bad day now because he thinks I should be grateful I don't have to work. He's obviously got no intention of doing anything to help me get back to work if DS ever gets a school place and I suspect (well I know) everything will still fall to me because I have chosen to go back to work.
Don't get me wrong, I love DS to pieces and would do anything for him but he's still hard work. It probably sounds horrible to say but I did quite enjoy being a SAHM when my DDs were young but they had more understanding and enjoyed school holidays (DS doesn't because it changes his routine. We also can't go anywhere because DS doesn't like busy places) and they didn't smear.
I don't know if maybe I'm just really ungrateful and I should enjoy being a SAHM or if I'm right to be pissed off with what DH said and the fact he has no intention of doing anything to help me return to work

I have an autistic son although he is an adult now. Personally I preferred not to go to work during school hours as I viewed that as time for myself, and I didn't want to use it all on working for an employer. Childcare for a disabled child is extremely difficult to find, and often expensive, so the financial benefits often aren't there, especially for school hours jobs which tend to be low paid. A lot of childcare workers are just not great with SN and you have to be more selective and careful choosing childcare than you would for a NT child. I was a single mum, so I didn't have the issues to deal with with a DH, I just got on with things myself. But don't overestimate the time you'll have with school hours - there may be a part time schedule to start, travel time, school holidays and inset days may not align. All the housework and cleaning still needs to get done whether you work or not, even if DH pulls his weight you'll still have half of it to do and have to do it when your ds is at home rather than getting it done in peace when they are at school. Plus there is a lot of admin and reading around the subject for SEN and disability issues (we had multiple trubunals for EHCP and DLA which took hours of prep). And I had my own appointments for health issues, and needed to go to the gym for health reasons, and after all that there wasn't really time to fit in a job as well.

I work with a lot of men who have SAHM for wives and it's because they do not want to deal with the issues kids bring. They don't want to have to take a day off work to look after a sick kid or attend a school event. It's not about your poor parenting it's all about you covering everything so he doesn't have to.

I mean I do understand his point. Will you realistically find wraparound care willing to take on a child with such profound disabilities? If not, how would you manage to work in a job that wasn’t school hours?

I think he likes me being at home because then everything is down to me as he's done his bit by earning @Stressedoutmummyof3

Absolutely, he likes having a live in nanny and housekeeper. He knows he would have to do more like his fair share.

I would definitely start at least part time, or will give you confidence, social interaction and sense of autonomy you need.

Is it the practical idea that it keeps pressure off you to be home no he doesnt get how it could be percieved?
Working full time or part time if you choose or want to then do.
Your dp will have a leave so you can alternate once or if you did return to work.
Working and covering childrens sick days, your own and work life can take alot.
Exercise for your mental health and to get outside the home is a really good daily habit.
Never put aside your wants and desires whatever is going on.
Men are stupid sometimes! Selfish too.

Your husband worded things badly, I would have said chronic illness and a disabled child is enough on your plate already and you shouldn't feel pressured to work on top.
He does have a point thinking about term time hours and if a job would be manageable. But even if it's too difficult, you should still be able to get breaks and socialise in other ways with your husband's support.

Working on top of doing everything else that needs doing is just adding extra stress on both of you.
There's no question of HIM adjusting his working life though, is there?

@AlwaysExtraHot sounds like DH would just carry on as normal so no extra stress on him.

If you went back to work would it be possible to pay for care for your autistic child?

You sound worn down and trapped, and getting back to work could be important for your mental health. It’s very hard to transition from the kind of validation you get in a senior professional position, to being at home particularly if there isn’t recognition and appreciation from your partner at a minimum.

There’s a huge power imbalance that creeps in when one person works, and the other doesn’t that can trap the sahm at home as the default parent. Is this a conversation that has taken him by surprise, and he’s said things off the cuff, but might come round when he’s thought about it? Or do you think he’s the kind of person who will block you returning to work?

What do you think your realistic earning capacity could be now? Between you is it possible to outsource some of the care role?

Sorry you're in this situation op it is rubbish and really relentless.
I think you have two issues.
Your husband is a big issue. Would he go to any therapy or couples therapy? I just can't see how the relationship can sustain long term if he doesn't respect you and can start being on your team. The resentment will just erode the relationship.

The second issue is finding a job and childcare. Now I have a husband who has moved heaven and earth for me to work too but ultimately the childcare for sen doesnt exist unless you pay for a private sen nanny which is really expensive. Eventually I had to give up my job because my sen child couldn't attend school for a while. We obviously had to protect the job that pays the bills. Once you've been in the higher earner lower/no earner roles for a few years it's incredibly difficult to change them without a ton of support.

The only roles I can do are self employed or flexible wfh jobs which I've been applying for 3 years now. Yet to find one. Maybe you might have better luck. But the term time flexible ones are like hens teeth and there's a million others looking for the same.

If you can't see a way forward with the relationship I think best to bide your time and make a plan to exit the relationship in a way that puts you in the best situation so maybe by getting more qualifications/skills that means you're in that front line for getting a wfh job. I really do wish there was more support to work whilst having sen children. Unfortunately the only ones I know who manage to work are women who had well paying flexible jobs decades before having children and had bargaining power with their employer to wfh flexible/term time/can afford the nanny.

Speaking as someone who was a carer, I suspect that the last thing that the OP wants is to stay at home all day: I imagine that she wants the opportunity to be out in the world.

I know, that's what I mean. It's the OP who (he assumes) will make all the adjustments.

Yes.

One of the major losses when you give up working to be a carer is social interaction.

I’m so sorry. Your DH is a complete dickhead.

I think part of the problem is he was brought up in a very traditional household. I know MIL loved being at home and she didn't go back to work after the kids were born but our situation is different because she didn't have a child with SEN and that's what makes the situation so difficult.
I just felt his comment about most women being happy to be in my situation was really off. Not only is it not true but even if it was it shouldn't matter because I'm not happy.
We've had this conversation a few times with regards to him changing hours but he keeps saying they are only offering full time jobs (nothing part time) and although there is loads of overtime the actual company does have set hours (no Flexi time). I can't prove that this doesn't come from his boss so I have to accept it's true.
DH is off on weekends and he will take DS out for an hour on Saturday which is my break (excuse it isn't because of course I'm cleaning his bedroom). I think I am feeling just so unappreciated right now and I know any job I got would 100% have to fit in with DS but why would any new employer give me that much flexibility?
I suppose the resentment has just grown over two years when I see people I used to manage who are now in management themselves I wish I was still there. I could have been the one to carry on working but can't change that now.

Traditionally most sahms would look for work when their youngest was at school and this was probably the original plan, unfortunately this has been derailed for OP by having an autistic youngest so I don't think your comment was fair at all.

Of course he doesn't want you to work because that would mean he has to step up to cook, clean, clean your sons room, be a parent.

Of course he does not want that as that would give you independence from the house and from him.

And the comment about going for a long walk to exercise sounds like a dig at your weight. This man needs to get in the bin.

By law he can request flexible working. It is just that he does not want to and why would he when you, who has surely facilitated his work but being a stay at home mum, can pick up everything that he does not need to think about. I would feel belittled too.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 he does one hour of parenting? When he goes out with DS this weekend, have a break and then get DH to clean the bedroom on his return

Agree, that comment is a pile of horseshit.

It does sound tough OP.

My suggestion is that you change up some things. First of all DH can do cleaning duty at least one day on the weekend. And he can take DS out for 2 hours at another time, not one

sStart thinking about what you could do to stop feeling so lonely and isolated. Would an exercise class during the week work for you? Book group? Volunteer work? I’m guessing that you need something flexible but there will be options out there. Make it a goal to try 5 things that are just for you by the end of the year with the hope that at least one of them is something that you can continue on with.

Wishing you all the best

This sounds awful OP. If the nightly poo situation is the main issue, is there a way you could train him to to empty his bowels through the day. It's unusual even for babies to waken up with a soiled nappy every morning, at least in my experience. A health visitor could advise you on the various techniques to help you accomplish this. I would begin with this before considering a job & wait until you have a less stressful routine

This isn’t about his upbringing or not knowing what you do, this is stone cold manipulation, he knows exactly and he fucking really doesn’t want to do it himself or any part of it. So he’s emotionally blackmailing you and manipulating you so you do it. If you left his selfish arse he’d be off and still force you to do it.

I think when a dh says something like this then actually it’s paramount you do get a job but saying that it’s difficult because even a child without issues deserves one parent to be able to drop everything to care for them, we both work ft and when the kids are sick, when school meetings etc come up the juggling is horrible and we’ve both missed a lot in our kids’ life (school plays, a graduation from primary). Personally I’d think Definitely look for pt/ term time

I think we can all be a bit guilt of feeling resentful of each other the problem is we only judge and compare the parts we like
hell see it as an easy ride free time during the day but gloss over the grim bits and you’ll see him being lucky to escape all this by going to work yet being the sole earn is enormous pressure

I think he worded it horrendously and you will be naturally very sensitive about this

I feel angry for you reading this