AIBU to feel hurt by DH saying I should just stay home

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I don't know if I'm overthinking this or if I have a right to be upset.
Tonight DH and I were talking about DS and how hopefully he'll get a space in a special school soon. DH said to me if that happens I'll need to do something during the day like go for a couple of miles walk. I asked why and he said well you need to exercise. I said if he was at school full time I was hoping to get a job. DH said well yeah as long as it's school hours term time only. I pointed out that as he's been at his job for years he could ask them to adjust his hours. Oh no apparently his work aren't doing that.
DH then said I should just stay home and most women would love the life I have. He was totally serious. So most women would love to have a chronic illness while caring for serverly autistic child. A six year old who has the development of a 12 month old, a child who's bedroom I have to scrub every day because he smears his poo at night. I do absolutely everything. Cooking, cleaning, appointments, therapy exercises with DS, fighting with the LA for the school place he needs and this makes me lucky? Most women would be jealous of that? I mean anyone who is can come round and clean my son's room tomorrow.
DHs comments have made me feel really shit. Like I'm a terrible mum because I don't enjoy being at home. Or like I don't appreciate DH goes to work and I don't have to (I do understand that most of the financial pressure.is on him). I would happily swap places with DH but he won't
I don't know I just feel like I can't even complain to DH if I've had a bad day now because he thinks I should be grateful I don't have to work. He's obviously got no intention of doing anything to help me get back to work if DS ever gets a school place and I suspect (well I know) everything will still fall to me because I have chosen to go back to work.
Don't get me wrong, I love DS to pieces and would do anything for him but he's still hard work. It probably sounds horrible to say but I did quite enjoy being a SAHM when my DDs were young but they had more understanding and enjoyed school holidays (DS doesn't because it changes his routine. We also can't go anywhere because DS doesn't like busy places) and they didn't smear.
I don't know if maybe I'm just really ungrateful and I should enjoy being a SAHM or if I'm right to be pissed off with what DH said and the fact he has no intention of doing anything to help me return to work

He’s made an assumption that is incorrect. That doesn’t mean you have to go along with it just because he has assumed you like your life as it is. If his role genuinely doesn’t have flexibility then you need to discuss how you can get your career back regardless. If he does have flexibility but isn’t willing to use it then you need to make it absolutely clear that as a partnership, there needs to be give and take from both sides and you won’t accept him just brushing this off.

I absolutely agree with this. What you are currently doing is hard work, would take so much training and would cost SO much to outsource. SAHM doesn't come close.

It could be helpful if you can find a way to discuss this.
Often when partners have expectations of their partner or assumptions which they have not discussed or agreed with their partner, it leads to resentment and poor communication.

It will be hard to bring up, but it will enable you to move forward.

Think about what you would like; what are your needs, short-term, long-term, it may be also useful to think about what you might do if they can't be met. Discuss with your partner a solution to move forward. If there are statements like "you should be grateful" then try to calmly explain that you don't feel that way, and that there hasn't really been any discussion about what you both need, so you would like to discuss how your needs can be met. Try to be open to compromise.

It might also be useful to discuss as parents what you think your child needs to make sure collective decisions are made. It sounds like they have very complex needs and behaviours which are hard to manage by yourself. I wonder if there are any options to help them develop in areas which may make your lives easier.

If you reach the end of the conversation and there is no movement forward, then you might want to think about other support routes or if there are other ways you can move forward with your life.

You're not a bad mum or person, you have a tough gig at the moment! Even if you had an "easy life" of no work and lived in the lap of luxury, if you're not being listened to, or want to explore other things in your life this is perfectly reasonable and healthy.

He should scrub at weekends, it would do him a lot of good on the empathy scale.

I would discuss getting more than that hour on a Saturday for your mental health. Not a walk but things you'd actually want to go out and do.

You are so close to getting the point. OP’s DH is clearly not a great dad. So the likelihood of him doing it if OP has a job is not at all high, meaning OP will then be juggling a job and still cleaning all the shit.

Exactly, and earning is joyous compared to repetitive days spent caring and cleaning up. Earning and caring both need to be shared. I bet DH is terrified of losing his freedom.