AIBU to feel hurt by DH saying I should just stay home

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I don't know if I'm overthinking this or if I have a right to be upset.
Tonight DH and I were talking about DS and how hopefully he'll get a space in a special school soon. DH said to me if that happens I'll need to do something during the day like go for a couple of miles walk. I asked why and he said well you need to exercise. I said if he was at school full time I was hoping to get a job. DH said well yeah as long as it's school hours term time only. I pointed out that as he's been at his job for years he could ask them to adjust his hours. Oh no apparently his work aren't doing that.
DH then said I should just stay home and most women would love the life I have. He was totally serious. So most women would love to have a chronic illness while caring for serverly autistic child. A six year old who has the development of a 12 month old, a child who's bedroom I have to scrub every day because he smears his poo at night. I do absolutely everything. Cooking, cleaning, appointments, therapy exercises with DS, fighting with the LA for the school place he needs and this makes me lucky? Most women would be jealous of that? I mean anyone who is can come round and clean my son's room tomorrow.
DHs comments have made me feel really shit. Like I'm a terrible mum because I don't enjoy being at home. Or like I don't appreciate DH goes to work and I don't have to (I do understand that most of the financial pressure.is on him). I would happily swap places with DH but he won't
I don't know I just feel like I can't even complain to DH if I've had a bad day now because he thinks I should be grateful I don't have to work. He's obviously got no intention of doing anything to help me get back to work if DS ever gets a school place and I suspect (well I know) everything will still fall to me because I have chosen to go back to work.
Don't get me wrong, I love DS to pieces and would do anything for him but he's still hard work. It probably sounds horrible to say but I did quite enjoy being a SAHM when my DDs were young but they had more understanding and enjoyed school holidays (DS doesn't because it changes his routine. We also can't go anywhere because DS doesn't like busy places) and they didn't smear.
I don't know if maybe I'm just really ungrateful and I should enjoy being a SAHM or if I'm right to be pissed off with what DH said and the fact he has no intention of doing anything to help me return to work

He’s made an assumption that is incorrect. That doesn’t mean you have to go along with it just because he has assumed you like your life as it is. If his role genuinely doesn’t have flexibility then you need to discuss how you can get your career back regardless. If he does have flexibility but isn’t willing to use it then you need to make it absolutely clear that as a partnership, there needs to be give and take from both sides and you won’t accept him just brushing this off.

I absolutely agree with this. What you are currently doing is hard work, would take so much training and would cost SO much to outsource. SAHM doesn't come close.

It could be helpful if you can find a way to discuss this.
Often when partners have expectations of their partner or assumptions which they have not discussed or agreed with their partner, it leads to resentment and poor communication.

It will be hard to bring up, but it will enable you to move forward.

Think about what you would like; what are your needs, short-term, long-term, it may be also useful to think about what you might do if they can't be met. Discuss with your partner a solution to move forward. If there are statements like "you should be grateful" then try to calmly explain that you don't feel that way, and that there hasn't really been any discussion about what you both need, so you would like to discuss how your needs can be met. Try to be open to compromise.

It might also be useful to discuss as parents what you think your child needs to make sure collective decisions are made. It sounds like they have very complex needs and behaviours which are hard to manage by yourself. I wonder if there are any options to help them develop in areas which may make your lives easier.

If you reach the end of the conversation and there is no movement forward, then you might want to think about other support routes or if there are other ways you can move forward with your life.

You're not a bad mum or person, you have a tough gig at the moment! Even if you had an "easy life" of no work and lived in the lap of luxury, if you're not being listened to, or want to explore other things in your life this is perfectly reasonable and healthy.

He should scrub at weekends, it would do him a lot of good on the empathy scale.

I would discuss getting more than that hour on a Saturday for your mental health. Not a walk but things you'd actually want to go out and do.

You are so close to getting the point. OP’s DH is clearly not a great dad. So the likelihood of him doing it if OP has a job is not at all high, meaning OP will then be juggling a job and still cleaning all the shit.

Exactly, and earning is joyous compared to repetitive days spent caring and cleaning up. Earning and caring both need to be shared. I bet DH is terrified of losing his freedom.

I really feel for you. I became a stay at home mum long term because of a special needs child ( different to your DS but still attended special school). I wanted to go go back to work when youngest child (had 4 children) started Reception but problems with child at Spec Needs school meant I couldn't. All my mum friends with DC at mainstream school thought I was living the life of Riley - reality was far from that. My mental health was terrible and I dreamt of being able to go to work , which I loved before I gave up after I had DC no. 3. If you can persuade your DH I think it would be much better for you to work. Good luck.

So he works 9 to 5, 5 days a week and you work 24/7. Doesn't sound very fair. He needs to take on half the responsibility of the children and house when he's not at his paid job. No wonder you're feeling so crap.

What gives your DH the right to a life outside the home while saying you can’t have one too? Surely responsibilities should be shared at least to some extent so you could return to work.

I agree, it’s the way he said. Doing your life and having to work on too of all that is obviously exhausting and lots of women would love the choice. But he’s doing the opposite and not giving you a choice or feeling of choice. Have a sit and talk about what youve said here.

I agree with this, I think he was trying to say he’s happy to provide the lifestyle and if you want to work you still have to do everything at home because thats what works for him - he’s happy for you not to contribute financially and you can spend the time your DS is in school as you please - personally I would have took offence at the exercise part and would have replied no I will drink wine and get my nails done thanks! 😂 if you want him to share the household tasks more fairly and you both work - then that is a different conversation

You need some contact with adults - that is nothing to do with DS and his care. That’s perfectly reasonable.
Im a Sahm and have been for many years. But I sprinkle in hobbies and seeing friends otherwise I would be very lonely and fed up.
Where is your social stimulation? That’s what’s need to change - whether at a job or a hobby or volunteering.

Believe me you are more than working ! You are carer, admin, housekeeper, cook and whatever else your family needs, no wonder your Dh doesn't want you to go back to work, his life would fall apart without you. Wishing you luck.with your school place

Dows your husband really do absolutely nothing to care for your son or do any cleaning? Not even at weekends? That’s shocking, working full time is absolutely no excuse for such an abdication of responsibility.

Did you ever go back to work in the end?

I get you. I have 2 sons and one is nearly 12 and in a special school due to his high level of complex needs. Unfortunately I haven't been able to work as there is nothing as flexible as I need. The school does not offer wraparound care and there are no holiday clubs suitable for him. He needs 2-1 care, and i don't have a hope in hell of being able to afford that. He's off sick a lot as neither he nor his peers are able to practice good hygiene, so everything spreads like wildfire. Then there are the occasions when he refuses to go in and I can't physically make him as he's taller than me now and nearly as strong.

I spend 99% of my time indoors cleaning up the messes, laundry, fixing stuff etc. I'd love a job again, but I don't see it happening.

But apparently my life is cushty, even when I'm scrubbing poo off the wall again.

I don't know if you've tried them, but there are special onesies that do up at the back with a zip and have hidden buttons, so that they can't be removed. The material is a bit stronger than most. I have recently learned that my son can only wear the long legged ones as he puts his hand up the short legged ones to gets into his nappy. They are called Kaycey bodysuits.

This is not strictly true. If you have a profoundly disabled child the courts will take that into account and understand that the ex wife most definitely needs to be provided for. It’s a different t situation from a woman who has kids and then does not work but has earning capacity.

I have an adult son with pronounced ASD ( now requiring 50 hours per week PA to attend university in our home town). when he was younger he could not swallow, had hour long fits and was heavily delayed. He was better than your child in that he did not smear poo in walls but he was bowel incontinent so I was having to deal with that until aged 11. The acrid smell of poo and cleaning his pants I can’t forget. Even now he blocks the loo etc. Frankly I did not go back to work as it was a constant fight with services and also I think thst he would have never made the progress he did as he could not even talk at aged 11 it was ecolalia / gobby gook. So for me it was the right decision to stay home.

I tried to return to work when he was at life skills but they removed funding for his proposed residential course and I ended up in the usual MDT meetings for university support that have only recently resolved.

My DH arranged for a joint account and I can buy what I want. He pays into an isa for me yearly. However he feels that he is working flat out so one of us had to stay home. He earns far more than I could now.

Thank you for the comments. At the moment I won't be going back to work but I'm hoping once DS in in a special school I'll be able to. Reading some of the replies though I'm just not sure, it seems it will still be a struggle.
I think I might have annoyed DH when he made those comments because he does get annoyed when I talk about going back to work so I might have pushed him a bit. I just can't understand why he thinks it's okay for me to be stuck at home (apart from obviously going for a walk) but not for him. He constantly goes on about his pension and says well if I die you'll be entitled to it. I asked what happens if he doesn't die and I don't have a pension but he reckons I'll get one because I'm on CA.
I think I'm just really lonely and I know my mental health isn't brilliant (never had any mental health problems before).
It's just I know DH would expect me to be the one who takes a job with hours that fit in with DS. Today I told him about scrubbing DSs sheets and he rolled his eyes and said at least you didn't have to go to work.
I don't think he'll ever get it or perhaps he just doesn't want to.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 this weekend just go out and leave DH to it. Then he will see what it is about

Isn’t he just telling you there’s no expectation for you to get a full time job, given you’re chronically ill?
He seems to have phrased it badly, but wouldn’t it be worse if he’d said you need to get back to work now you have all this time on your hands?!
I’m not getting all the “controlling” comments, tbh.

Op, apologies for repeating this but have you considered looking for solutions so your DS has moved his bowels properly during the day to the point of not needing to go through the night. A health visitor could help with strategies. Night time incontinence can even be caused by constipation. A mild laxitive could help him to empty the bowel completely & well before bedtime.

Perhaps you both feel hard done by as it is hard lookibg after young children anyway but particularly when there is SEN involved. He could just be being selfish but he could be also struggling (but in his case with the pressure of being the sole income provider). I would sit him down and tell him one weekend day every month he needs to have the kids so you can have a day off, and that you can do the same for him. That is not much at all but hopefully a day where you can just be you. Do you have any family support so you could have a half day or day a month where you and DH can go and do something together too without the kids? You need to tell him things have yo change and what you need - don't ask or state how you feel emotionally as that doesn't seem to be working. But also give him space tp talk about how he's feeling too (not about your needs but about his).

This is why divorces happen. You need a part time job to start squirreling money away. Fast forward ten years and you might really need a stash of cash to escape to a new life.

I think he absolutely does get it...that's why the prospect of knowing that he'd at least occasionally have to step in to a short-notice illness day, INSET, or half term doesn't appeal & he wants to keep the luxury (all his!) of the status quo.

While I agree the logistics would need strong teamwork to make it work, the mental health & self-belief & sense of accomplishment & social interaction & societal value benefits of you doing at least SOME paid work would be of enormous value to you. It sucks that the legwork of positioning this with DH as being of benefit to your whole family unit, long-term falls to you OP! He will have plenty of responses that revolve around the fact it might make his (currently unbelievably cushy) existence slightly more hard work.

I'd start with the fact that having a wife who is going bonkers/getting depressed isn't a healthy family dynamic - and that feeling more like your old self is likely to improve your relationship as a couple. And maybe follow up with the fact that if at any point he developed a chronic health condition or cancer, wouldn't it be nice to have some earning capacity remaining in the household to help carry the load through his turn for getting the shitty end of the stick...

It sounds like generally things are ok with your DH, but the scenario he prefers vastly increases the probability of him wandering elsewhere. Far better to find something to ramp up your self-esteem & earning capacity once you've done the hardest years in childcare!

Can you have a short-term family crisis that necessitates you visiting a relative alone for 2-4 days?!? Ideally a weekend + at least one working day. Having to step into your daily reality might be the kick he needs to acknowledge quite how gilded his current existence is!

Given your career background, would a part-time postgrad course be an option for you for now? A background in childcare development, plus your SEN experiences give you a strong position to specialise in an area of the education sector which is wildly understaffed at the moment. Would remote study to work towards being some kind of SEN therapist/counsellor be of any interest? Maybe something where you could work part-time hourly and set your schedule in due course? Or aim for a school based role which could be term-only?

I hope your DH gets over his empathy bypass, wherever you end up!