AIBU to find it odd I’ve never met my friend’s partner?

[MintChocCat]

Do you think it’s strange that I haven’t met my friend’s partner?

Context - been friends with this person for 6 years, would consider them close, met through work, been away on holiday with them etc. They met their new partner a year and a half ago and moved in together after 6 months. About 4 months ago they moved again into a house and she told me she’s pregnant.

I’m obvs happy for her even though I think it’s a bit soon, but what I’m finding stranger is I have never even met her partner. We’ve never been introduced. Do you find that weird too, or am I overthinking? Thanks

Why would you need/expect to meet the partner?

If you want to meet him, invite them both for dinner?

Depends entirely on the situation.

I've never met a couple of my friends' partners. Long-term friends over a decade now. That's because I've become friends with them via specific interests, that's where I see them (sports groups, gigs, that sort of thing). Their partners don't share those interests. They don't live in convenient "you must pop over for dinner" locations.

Other friends, it felt much more natural to meet their partners - but the onus was on me a bit. I wouldn't just expect to be invited to meet a friend's new partner, I'd be the one inviting them to dinner or out to a meal.

I think the only way this situation would be strange is if your friend seems to be avoiding letting you meet - are you inviting them to things and being rebuffed?

But I would think about things like... what situations do you usually see this friend in, are they partner-friendly? How has she introduced you to previous partners? Have you invited them to dinner etc as a couple?

The trouble is they live 2h away so it’s not a pop round for dinner situation. Also she is the one who moved further away, so I was half expecting a bit of an invite to check out her new place?? I don’t want to have to invite myself over, that feels a bit imposing to me.

I don't think it's particularly weird. One of my best friends was married before I met her other half 😆

If it's someone you know through work then I think that, unless your work does social events with partners, it's totally normal to not have met them

Not necessarily weird, no.

I have a good friend of several decades standing, who I see regularly. She’s been in a relationship for over 10 years.

I attended her wedding last month and it was only the second time I’d met her partner.

If you want to meet the partner, invite them to yours for the day. Do a nice lunch?

if shes moved 2 hours away, it’s unlikely your going to remain good close friends your being unreasonable.

See, I think that’s unreasonable in itself, lol. I know plenty of people who maintain distant friendships and 2 hours isn’t that far away 😊

She probably doesn’t want to drag you two hours away just to look at her conservatory for the same reason.

Ok, well thanks everyone for weighing in. I just wanted other peoples takes really. I guess it might not be as weird as I thought!

when I moved, I threw a little house gathering - and she and others came along. I wouldn’t mind it at all 🙂

Well, say you’d love to see her new place and meet the guy? I think some of this is cultural. I’m not originally from the UK and when I moved to a particular place, I was very puzzled by expectations of the ‘house tour’, as it was a deeply ordinary 1970s red brick.

I think it’s a nice thing!!!

Some people are good at organising hosting and some people aren't. I don't think it's reflective of the friendship. Also bear in mind if she's moved house and is now pregnant she already has a lot on her plate logistically!

I think if you want to meet her partner, either invite them for a long/late lunch at yours, or a restaurant/pub meal at a convenient location.

So much of keeping friendships going is about getting your logistics to sync up and annoyingly that requires more effort as you get older.

I’ve been friends with one of my best mates for over 30 years. She’s been with her partner 15 years. I’ve never met him.

He’s just antisocial, when we go to her house he makes sure he’s out 😂

No I'd not find that remotely weird. I don't even know if some of my friends have a partner or not.

I'm interested in them. Their personalities and lives. If a partner doesn't come up in conversation there are millions of other things to talk about. In fact I usually only know about the partner if the person is moaning about them!

Well, so what?

Just because you wanted to do that, it doesn't mean everyone else has to.

You seem to have some notion that there are friendship rules that everyone has to follow, just because you do. There aren't. She doesn't want a housewarming and she doesn't feel the need to introduce you to her partner. That isn't weird at all.

I think it’s weird when people expect to come and see your new house.

Not at all odd.

Someone people just aren’t natural hosts or don’t want to do it.

I absolutely hate having people in my home. I hate the feeling of thinking everything needs to be sparkling clean, I hate worrying that I haven’t offered them enough drinks or food and I hate the pressure of keeping them entertained and everything being on me.

If you live two hours apart it’s not odd that you haven’t met her partner. I’m not one for couples socialising. My friends are my friends, my husbands friends are his. I don’t really have any interest in forced interactions with people I otherwise wouldn’t be around.

Thanks for this perspective, I totally get it!

When’s the last time you invited her around? Why don’t you invite her and her partner to yours for dinner?

Well I don’t really want to invite her atm as I feel it might be a bit much to expect her to travel to me while she’s preg 😊

I’m British and I think the house tour thing is weird! We don’t invite people round every time we buy a new tv/oven/bookcase/car. And yet we move house and suddenly invite round all and sundry to admire it 😆 I find it a little pretentious unless they’re people who would regularly be visiting anyway. Maybe that’s just me though.