AIBU to feel hurt by a school mum’s mixed behaviour?

[Anonymous014]

I’m a bit upset about a school mum in my child’s class as I thought she was my friend but it’s becoming increasingly obvious she doesn’t actually like me.

one to one she’s so lovely to me but in group setting she ignores me. If looking at our interactions in a group you wouldn’t even think we were friends. She’s very warm on text messages and one to one but in a group setting she ignored me and doesn’t say hi unless I say it first. She’s very warm and chatty to others but cold towards me. I just don’t get it.

She will walk alongside the other parents in the class during drop off and chat but with me she just rushes past and doesn’t even stop to say hi unless I say it first then she just walks past and if she sees another parent will slow down to talk to them

Do the same to her, don't reply to the texts and ignore her

Just leave her to it, get a life outside the school

There is always one weird Mum at school.
Leave her to her odd behaviour, it’s not you, it is her weird way.
You will be much happier without her. Ultimately she is controlling and jealous.

I actually messaged her to ask if I have offended her in any way. She responded very warmly saying don’t be silly and she really likes me! I’m sorry you don’t treat people like that. I’m not stupid I can tell when someone is being off. She obviously doesn’t want to tell me what the issue is and I don’t really care but I get upset around atmosphere so I will avoid from now on. I can’t ignore her messages as I think that’s rude and our kids are friends so don’t want to impact that

There's no need to ask her if she's got an issue with you. Just be cordial in the text messages, and make them only about making arrangements for play dates etc for your kids, just like she's doing.

Keep away from her and be happy.

If something feels off, it usually is. Is there any reason she would want to downplay your friendship in front of others?

Otherwise I think you regard her as a superficial person and don't become too invested in her.

Maybe in a group setting she is just talking to other mum, being friendly, chatting to people she doesn't see much.....

Texting her was needy and a dramatic!

It doesn’t sound that mysterious to me, OP. She quite likes you, possibly because your children are friends, but when others are around, there are people she likes better.

Exactly.

I can’t be bothered with playground politics and perhaps you should adopt the same policy. It’s just not worth the hassle.

There’s a mum in DS’s class who blows hot and cold with me. She consistently greeted me for months till my DH went to her DS’s bday party a few months back and chatted to her DH for about an hour straight. They really got on well so no issues, they disagreed on pretty much everything politically but it didn’t matter because they got on.

She text me after the party almost embarrassed about it but I reassured her my DH enjoyed the exchange. Ever since she’s been weird with me. Most of the time she dodges eye contact and looks down when I pass… Then randomly one day she greeted me this week?!

To quote The Doors, people are strange.

I think you’re probably overthinking this. She is being polite on text and chats with you one to one. Some days she’s rushing to get her dc and doesn’t have time for a chat. In a large group, she talks to other people. If she talked exclusively to you, she’d be being rude to everyone else. Maybe social settings make her anxious and she sticks to parents who are more familiar? Maybe you’ve interpreted politeness as friendship? I am nice to other mums on text and chat with them one to one. I wouldn’t consider them a friend though. If in a big group though, I’d probably spend most of my time talking to my friends or people I found more approachable or easier to talk to.

It doesn’t mean she’s ignoring you or trying to be awful to you. Just that she’s doing what’s comfortable. I think actually if anyone is behaving oddly, it’s you. I’d definitely be giving you the swerve after this for fear it was about to get even more intense.

What are you going to gain from her being your pal? Probably drama and getting involved in her problems, being a scape goat maybe? Nod and smile, only accept play dates when nothing else is happening. This will probably make her try to be your pal to be fair

Yes, this pretty much. I say that as someone who used to be bemused by this kind of behaviour and had to deal with her fair share of school yard weirdness.

You just need to develop a thicker skin and match her energy ie. be civil, cordial but not overly-friendly

Not really possible to tell from your OP but either a) you’re overthinking. She’s generally a friendly person but not your best mate. In a group she chats to everyone and there may be people she knows better than she knows you, or needs to speak to about arrangements. You’ve created a big narrative out of it when really there isn’t much to say. Or b) she genuinely is blowing hot and cold because she has some sort of internal social hierarchy and you’re not at the top of it.

Either way, I’d try just to disengage a bit from thinking about it. Either you’re overthinking it, or you aren’t and she’s a dickhead- but either way it’s not worth worrying about.

But she’s not blowing ‘hot and cold’ — she’s embarrassed and/or put off either by (1) the fact that your husbands had a big political dingdong at her child’s birthday party when, she may reasonably have felt hers should be helping run the party and/or (2) by your DH’s politics which she may assume you share.

You’re not unreasonable to be hurt at all, there are some strange people on the school run and having been through it twice and having two totally different experiences I’d say don’t waste your time and energy worrying about this woman.

Just be polite for the kids but don’t bother making an effort further than their friendships, if she wants to be difficult let her.
She clearly has a problem, but not woman enough to tell you.

Well, there are strange people in the world, obviously — there’s not a separate subsection of people who drop and pickup at their children’s schools. But I don’t see an issue here. This woman is perfectly pleasant to the OP and probably has no objection to her, but given a choice of other people to talk to, she prefers them, because she knows them better and/or likes them more.

I don't see an issue either

Its the @Anonymous014 here causing and looking for issues....

But she is being rude. I would only reply to messages about your children’s arrangements if you absolutely must communicate at all. She is trying the divide and conquer technique to unsettle you and ingratiate herself with others. I would completely ignore her from now on.

Life is too short for this rubbish, she's not a friend, cut her a drift and open yourself to finding some real friends who care enough and are proud to be seen with you.

It sounds like you’re not really friends, more acquaintances, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you. Maybe it’s just wording of the post but it doesn’t sound like there is anything rude about her behaviour or particularly dismissive. It just sounds like normal school run stuff where sometimes you don’t have time to stop and talk to everybody. And sometimes you prioritise the people who you actually need to speak to (arranging play dates or asking about clubs etc).

If you were previously friends who would socialise outside of the kids or do lots of family stuff together and she’s suddenly turned cold then that is different and I would probably be hurt too by a big change with someone I see all the time.

This is another classic of the “bitchy school mums” genre.

You’re overthinking this hugely. She’s just being social in a social setting and more intimate one on one. It’s absolutely normal behaviour. You’re not in a relationship with her, you just have kids at the same school.

Most mums don’t have the time or bandwidth to make friends at school, they are just managing their children. You have behaved in a weird, needy manner and probably made her think you are a bit unbalanced.

School is for children, its not a social life for parents. If you make friends at school its a bonus but its not am entitlement and its inappropriate to put people under this kind of pressure. Make friends outside school and keep this sort of drama out of it.

Maybe she needed to speak to the other mums about something in particular and time was tight. Maybe she’s zoned out at times. Apparently I was with my husband and we bumped into a friend and I didn’t even notice despite him stopping and chatting for a few minutes. I must have had so much on mind I didn’t even know what was going on.

I can’t believe you text her asking why she ignores you. You sound a little needy, which is never going to be a good thing in the School mum stakes.
she clearly not keen on you, and that’s fine. Smile and nod, and move on to others. You don’t need to grovel to her.