AIBU to feel hurt by a school mum’s mixed behaviour?

[Anonymous014]

I’m a bit upset about a school mum in my child’s class as I thought she was my friend but it’s becoming increasingly obvious she doesn’t actually like me.

one to one she’s so lovely to me but in group setting she ignores me. If looking at our interactions in a group you wouldn’t even think we were friends. She’s very warm on text messages and one to one but in a group setting she ignored me and doesn’t say hi unless I say it first. She’s very warm and chatty to others but cold towards me. I just don’t get it.

She will walk alongside the other parents in the class during drop off and chat but with me she just rushes past and doesn’t even stop to say hi unless I say it first then she just walks past and if she sees another parent will slow down to talk to them

I had a ‘friend’ like this and she’d also say odd things to me like ‘my husband hates blonde hair’ (yes I’m blonde!!) and slip in hurtful things when no one else was around - and actually smile as she said them! Ridiculous really.
Also not inviting me to stuff and then apologising profusely when she saw me again blaming herself and her forgetfulness. She did this to others too btw so it wasn’t just me.
Took me longer than it should have done to drop her like a stone!
My life is much, much better and if I see her will say hello as we still have same friendship group but that is it, I suppose I ‘grey rock’ her.
I also don’t invite her to anything anymore and my other friends still come so there’s no awkwardness on their part.
Why put up with hurtful stuff when you don’t have to? I just feel daft that it took me so long!!

But why would it bother you what hair colour her husband disliked? If I, for some strange reason, felt compelled to share that DH doesn’t like The Killers, it’s not some kind of covert insult to Killers fans.

I think is likely.

Obviously she was saying it to me precisely because I’m blonde! Why would you say that to anyone ? It’s nuts.
It’s not the same as saying you don’t like a band!!
It was personal and she knew it - I wasn’t being sensitive, and there’s was loads of similar stuff. But feel free to argue that point out of everything I’ve said…..and defend a situation you just don’t ‘get’ . Bizarre response!

Just ignore her and let her come to you.I never gave a shit about school mums.i said hi and dropped off.

She sounds like a social climber. She probably doesnt actively dislike you but has decided you have low social currency for her. Some of the other mums have higher currency to her hence her targeting them in a bigger group.

Have seen it happen a lot. Just keep her at polite arms length and look to make more genuine connections.

Is she one of them really desperate people who wants to be in with the "cool mums" there was one of them in my daughters class it was embarrassing the speed walking to catch up with certain people the fake overly dramatic laughing

How on earth can you know this?

Meh some people are like that. We used to do a class coffee morning every week and there were two factions and I was pretty much ignored by one of them (didn’t have the right look, didn’t have a rich DH - I’m a widow - whatever). But should I run into one of these women independently then they were happy to chat. I guess I was better than nothing but not quite good enough if their other friends were around. Couldn’t care less really.

Or, they had no particular objection to you but would prefer to talk to their actual friends, given a choice?

Accept that's how she behaves and don't get invested. Be polite in your texts, but waste your time with her.

Steer clear of her. She's someone who believes in a social hierarchy. She perceives other mums as more desirable socially than you, so cuts you when they are on offer and keeps you in reserve 1-2-1.

Cool off. In groups, never say hi first, focus on chatting with whoever you are near.

I don't, it's just an educated guess. Other posters have said similar.

But on no evidence. From what the OP says, this woman just prefers talking to other people in group situations. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t possibly quite like the OP, just that there are others she prefers.

FFS are you looking for things to be offended at

I don't disagree with anything you've said but I thought the OP was trying to fathom why other mum makes her preference so markedly clear to the extent that she ignores OP.

It was just a suggestion about what may be behind it. I'm happy to accept I could be totally wrong.

I'm the mean mum in this scenario.

Our kids are great friends and she is really kind but she has some mannerisms that drive me barmy.

She interrupts, talks over everyone, regularly puts her foot in it, and makes every conversation about herself. Some days I have the patience for it and others i don't, to the point I can't even look her in the eye.

But she is my friend and i really like her sense of humour, we enjoy similar things, and some of the time she doesnt present any of those mannerisms amd others i can let it wash over me.

She's nit perfect but blithering am I, and on my bad days, where im preoccupied and just want to get from A to B, I don't always have the patience to stop for a 10 minute monologue at the school gate.

I'm not saying you irriate her OP, far from it, but if she's avoiding you on occasion then it may well be that she is preoccupied on those days and can only manage a superficial hello with others.

OP I had this experience with our neighbour and they also have a child at the school. Very hot and cold it drop my anxiety through the roof. Some days super friendly and other days would ignore me.

I just stopped making any effort, it was easier because then I have no expectation. Just see her as an acquaintance and no more. It makes life easier

Of course not but you’re welcome to your interpretation - there we are then 🤣

I don’t think I explained it very well. I’m not needy or dramatic! She literally walks past me without acknowledging me! I know people are busy I work fulll time in a stressful job. She doesn’t work (not judging) if I have time to say good morning on my way to work she definitely has time to respond. She ignores me yet stands around chatting to others well past drop off time.

So she doesn't work, so she can't have as many important things on her mind as you possibly do, yet you're still obsessing with her in a morning.....

I was thinking she may have been peeved to have been left running the show herself and has given herself space to get over it.

Thank you for the advice everyone. I think I will never understand her as I genuinely thought we were friends as she has on our meet ups told me stuff and I’ve told her a lot too so I stupidly assumed we were friends but it looks like she’s only happy to be friends when no one better is around,

I am not going to message her again but will politely smile and say hello. If she wants to walk with me at drop off or pick up I’m fine with that but I won’t be stopping for her anymore then get upset when she walks past me without saying hello when it’s clear I stopped to catch up with her!

Yes, agree. I know someone like this, when there’s no one else around who is ‘more important’ than me, she’d hang around me all the time, be overly friendly, ask me lots of questions…but when it’s a bigger social event, like a recent garden party, she said ‘hi, good to see you. Hope you have a great afternoon and I’ll catch up with you next week’, making it clear that she doesn’t intend on talking with me for the rest of the afternoon, then she moved her group of friends away from me. Basically I’m on her C or D list of people she wants to engage with and if any As or Bs are there then she’ll ignore me.

Don't let it bother you. its only a school mum after all.