AIBU to feel hurt by a school mum’s mixed behaviour?

[Anonymous014]

I’m a bit upset about a school mum in my child’s class as I thought she was my friend but it’s becoming increasingly obvious she doesn’t actually like me.

one to one she’s so lovely to me but in group setting she ignores me. If looking at our interactions in a group you wouldn’t even think we were friends. She’s very warm on text messages and one to one but in a group setting she ignored me and doesn’t say hi unless I say it first. She’s very warm and chatty to others but cold towards me. I just don’t get it.

She will walk alongside the other parents in the class during drop off and chat but with me she just rushes past and doesn’t even stop to say hi unless I say it first then she just walks past and if she sees another parent will slow down to talk to them

Why are you so concerned about this, how do you have time for it to occupy so much headspace??
Just take your child to school a d go about your day.
You're coming across as needy.
No wonder she keeps her distance.

I think its normal to want to chat to your closer friends as its easy, you have stuff to say and you don't need to make small talk. Not sure why this is social climbing, or OP isn't good enough or whatever.

Like a new person at work - you chat to them, include them make them feel welcome, but still gravitate towards your 'friends' and over time they may also become a friend.

I've been on both sides and yes it can feel cliquey and exclusionary, but it isn't necessarily meant that way? It can appear everyone is best buddies and in an 'in crowd' but there are individual relationships within that, some get on better with others.

OP I could have written this myself. There’s a mum at my DD’s school who’s exactly the same, although I wouldn’t ever have considered us friends. She’s lovely to everyone else, but with me she’ll look me up and down, walk straight past me, and completely ignore me.I couldn’t understand what her problem was as I had been nothing but nice to her. I then realised something - I actually don’t care. I don’t particularly like her and think she’s a bit of a snob! Now, I’m polite when we’re in group situations, but otherwise I just leave her to it and give her the same level of attention she gives me. We’re never going to be friends, but why would you want to be friends with someone like that? I wouldn’t have even bothered texting if I were you.

I once read something that really stuck with me - if someone has decided they don’t like you, there’s nothing you can do that’s suddenly going to make them like you. So don’t waste your energy trying!!

But why do you expect to get preferential treatment in a situation where there are lots of other people around?

Social situations dictate that you have to interact with different people. She doesn’t have to stick to you like a limpet in a scenario like this. I seriously doubt she is blanking you, just not choosing to spend every minute with you.

And, respectfully, sending a message to someone you don’t know that well saying you are hurt because she’s not putting you ahead of all her other school connections is pretty needy. If someone I slightly knew from the school network sent me a message like this I would think they were pretty hard work. Its a message you might send to a lover or a lifelong friend, not to a friendly acquaintance.

With kindness I think you are expecting too much. Most people don’t have the bandwidth to strike up new BFFs at school, they are focused on their kids, their jobs, juggling everything and trying to stay sane.

You can make friends in this setting but you have to chill a bit and take things as they come. If you expect everyone you get on with to become an instant friend for life you are just creating pressure they can’t live up to and it’s never going to end well. Learn to give people space and let them come to you. Don’t chase friendship.