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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why can't women be charged with rape?

382 replies

Ourlovelyson · 11/02/2026 20:13

My son attempted to take his life last year. Turns out his partner has been abusive and she was drugging him with Viagra being him aroused and sitting on top of him he kept telling her no but she did what she wanted to do. But rape is defined by the penetrating male, my son is not the person he once was.
I have been on Google for weeks and I can't find anything to help him. He obviously isn't the only one.
Why is this?

OP posts:
Kalimeras · 11/02/2026 20:16

Because rape is defined as penetration with a penis. Sexual assault charges carry the same sentences

SkyWalrus · 11/02/2026 20:16

It is covered by sexual assault laws. I’m so sorry that this happened to your son.

myrtleWilson · 11/02/2026 20:16

Am sorry that happened to your son. She can be charged with a sexual assualt crime which carries the same sentence. Has he been able to report to the police?

PatheticDistraction · 11/02/2026 20:17

I believe rape is defined as penetration with a penis.

A woman can be charged with other serious sexual offences.

Original poster
Ourlovelyson · 11/02/2026 20:22

He has finally gone to the police, it's taken a serious suicide attempt and lots of psychiatric help, he is now in the right head space, he has gone through so much in the last 6 years, he did his first police interview today and on Friday they are collecting the evidence as she has admitted to drugging him over text message, he also has a witness to the physical assaults.
I'm just so angry as he needs justice but the law does not see this as rape.

OP posts:
comeandhaveteawithme · 11/02/2026 20:22

I am so very sorry your son was abused and assaulted. This must be awful for you both.

You are, however, focusing on the wrong thing. The words used don't really mater too much. The GF still committed serious sexual assault which can carry the same sentence as rape.

Please encourage and support your son to go to the police and report this serious crime.

comeandhaveteawithme · 11/02/2026 20:24

Ourlovelyson · 11/02/2026 20:22

He has finally gone to the police, it's taken a serious suicide attempt and lots of psychiatric help, he is now in the right head space, he has gone through so much in the last 6 years, he did his first police interview today and on Friday they are collecting the evidence as she has admitted to drugging him over text message, he also has a witness to the physical assaults.
I'm just so angry as he needs justice but the law does not see this as rape.

Well done him, I hope he gets jutice.

The language used won't make a difference. She can still get the same sentence for a serious sexual assault as a man would for rape. She will still go on the sex offenders register.
The only difference is the words.

Original poster
Ourlovelyson · 11/02/2026 20:25

We are with our son 100% now everything makes sense, I just feel so bad that he has gone through all of this. His now ex even attacked our other son when he stood up for his brother.

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 11/02/2026 20:25

I’m so sorry OP I can only imagine how difficult this must be. This is not seen as rape due to the definition in the law but it absolutely is a serious sexual assault and the sentence for that & rape can be the same.

Original poster
Ourlovelyson · 11/02/2026 20:26

comeandhaveteawithme · 11/02/2026 20:24

Well done him, I hope he gets jutice.

The language used won't make a difference. She can still get the same sentence for a serious sexual assault as a man would for rape. She will still go on the sex offenders register.
The only difference is the words.

Show quote history

I just want him to get the same justice as a woman would.

OP posts:
ItsStillWork · 11/02/2026 20:27

The words matter to a victim though.

rape sounds more serious than sexual assault and labelling of sexual assault rather than rape feels like it’s being minimised

burnoutbabe · 11/02/2026 20:28

Technical legal answer
woman can be charged with rape but as part of joint enterprise -ie encouraging/facilitating an assault which involved penetration by a penis.
but sexual assault can face an identical sentence to rape.

SemperIdem · 11/02/2026 20:29

Ourlovelyson · 11/02/2026 20:26

I just want him to get the same justice as a woman would.

Show quote history

I am very sorry that your son has gone through such a terrible sexual assault, you are clearly very supportive and if he feels able to, this can be pursued right through to potentially a custodial sentence.

I think you may need to reconsider your “hope gets the same justice a woman would” stance however. The very vast majority of women get no justice at all in rape or sexual assault cases. The conviction rates for rape cases in the UK are diabolically low.

Rewriteitifyoucan · 11/02/2026 20:29

Ourlovelyson · 11/02/2026 20:26

I just want him to get the same justice as a woman would.

Show quote history

Most victims of sexual assault don't get any justice at all unfortunately. The rape conviction rate is pitifully low. All you can do is support.

CinnamonBuns67 · 11/02/2026 20:29

I'm so sorry this happened to your son, I hope he's being supported properly with the mental health side of it and with the legal process (assuming he's gone to the police and if he hasn't please encourage him to do so). Unfortunately it's down to the legal definition of rape, however that doesn't make what she did to him any less wrong and disgusting and she fully deserves to be punished for it, I believe it will come under sexual assault.

Original poster
Ourlovelyson · 11/02/2026 20:31

ItsStillWork · 11/02/2026 20:27

The words matter to a victim though.

rape sounds more serious than sexual assault and labelling of sexual assault rather than rape feels like it’s being minimised

I think that's what is upsetting, he has been a victim for years but he has only opened up since his suicide attempt, this is so overlooked as I can't find any help for him online as it's still a taboo subject.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 11/02/2026 20:32

Ourlovelyson · 11/02/2026 20:26

I just want him to get the same justice as a woman would.

Show quote history

Well technically either sex can get justice if raped by a man using a penis.
women who are abused by their same sex partner also can’t technically be raped either.
but I imagine it only matters in the court on the technical charges and all support will be identical.

Jellybunny56 · 11/02/2026 20:33

Ourlovelyson · 11/02/2026 20:26

I just want him to get the same justice as a woman would.

Show quote history

I’m not sure what you mean by this really. As I & others have said the sentence for serious sexual offence and rape can be the same, so that would be the same justice I suppose.

But a terrifying number of women never get any justice with these crimes, so I’m assuming you don’t mean that.

Original poster
Ourlovelyson · 11/02/2026 20:36

He hasn't said how many times this has happened but it's at least a handful of times,
She never liked us as she said we are too involved in his life. By this we talked a few times a week and he maybe popped in for a few minutes after work on his way home, I don't think that's overkill for a parent who lives nearby. Out other son calls us everyday comes to dinner once a week but my other son and family who I'm talking about was always invited but they never came for dinner when invited as she always made an excuse.

OP posts:
HeartyBlueRobin · 11/02/2026 20:38

https://malesurvivor.co.uk/notice-board/male-victims/

The above may prove a useful resource if you haven't come across it before.

DeepBlueDeer · 11/02/2026 20:38

The UK and Ireland are relative outliers - most developed countries don't have a special "with a penis" separate category of sexual offense. I'm inclined to think it should change. Sorry that your son has gone through this.

Original poster
Ourlovelyson · 11/02/2026 20:39

Jellybunny56 · 11/02/2026 20:33

I’m not sure what you mean by this really. As I & others have said the sentence for serious sexual offence and rape can be the same, so that would be the same justice I suppose.

But a terrifying number of women never get any justice with these crimes, so I’m assuming you don’t mean that.

Show quote history

Honestly the amount of women who never get justice is absurd, I meant that he should be able to have the terminology of rape rather than sexual abuse, I think I'm upset about the wording more than anything, but I'm so overwraght with guilt as I never saw this. I just want to make everything better

OP posts:
Carla786 · 11/02/2026 20:41

Kalimeras · 11/02/2026 20:16

Because rape is defined as penetration with a penis. Sexual assault charges carry the same sentences

Plenty of other countries don't define it that way. I think it arguably reinforces patriarchal ideas for the law to imply that assault by penis is the most devastating.

Carla786 · 11/02/2026 20:42

Jellybunny56 · 11/02/2026 20:25

I’m so sorry OP I can only imagine how difficult this must be. This is not seen as rape due to the definition in the law but it absolutely is a serious sexual assault and the sentence for that & rape can be the same.

Not UK law ..in other countries other would be. Maybe it should change...