My 14yr old is saying she is trans

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This turned into a brain dump.
TL:DR my 14 year old daughter says she trans. How can I deal with this nonsense?

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At her school it's fashionable to fall under the LGBT+ flag. She has always been openly gay/bi/pan (depending on the day) but in the last year or so, other people have convinced her she is trans.

The reason? She has very short hair (because she hates brushing it), wears tshirts and cargos (because they are comfy and she has zero interest in clothes), is tall (genetics) calls herself by a (stupid made up) gender neutral name (because she hates her real name) and never used to be bothered when strangers thought she was a boy. We'd roll our eyes and laugh about it.

But she has given in to the seemingly constant "accusations" that she is trans. In the last year or so, she has developed noticable breasts and she hates her body (more than normal teenage girl stuff) and sees any suggestions of being a girl as being the worse thing in the world. I used to call her my "lovely girl" etc. I now try to say my "lovely one" instead.

I don't want to encourage this but nor do I want to make her to shut down / become entrenched /make a bigger deal out of it. We still call her she and we also call her by her proper name. She seems happy with that. As far as I can make out all her friends still call her she too.

One of her friends claims to be trans. This is mainly because she likes football and her dad told her girls don't play football. Another is trans because she has a boys haircut, has a small chest and doesn't like her feminine name. What is this nonsense?

Her and a friend went to Pride last year. I never used to have any issues about that but last year it definitely had more of a kink/fetish thing going on which made me very uncomfortable and Im not sure how I feel about her going this year. I might have to double book her so that she doesn't go but I'm not stopping her iyswim.

A stall at Pride also sold her a chest binder. I'm still furious about that. I found it by accident (which is how this all came out). I talked to her about it causing tissue damage etc and I've bought her some medium support sports tops that don't look like bras and she seems OK about that if not completely happy.

She is in scouts and I have told her categorically that she will not be sharing tents, toilets etc with boys. She looked at me like I was stupid and asked why she would want to.

I don't care about her sexual orientation (as long as she's happy and her relationships are healthy). I do care that she is being pushed into this gender ideology crap based on, as far as I can tell, nothing biy good old fashioned gender stereotypes.

When I found the chest binder and asked her about it, she denied all knowledge and pretended she didn't know what it was. I kept it neutral and just said it was to make people look flat chested but it causes tissue damage and could have long term effects. She still denied it was hers but then burst into tears and said she was trans. Obviously my first reaction was to give her a hug and tell her we love her.

Last week someone called her son and I asked how she felt about it. She looked really sad but then angrily said "it's better than being a girl". That's the most I can get out of her really.

I don't know where she is getting this from. I've looked at her YouTube stuff (under the guise of her showing me her favoirite videos) and I can't see anything obvious in there. I've asked her outright and she just shrugs.

She's changing schools in September to somewhere much smaller. I'm hoping that stops some of this. That school runs a "women in science" mentoring type programme. I suggested she might be interested and she flew off the handle. Partly because she doesn't want to get advantages because she is female (which I get) but also because she's trans anyway.

I'm just worried. She's a little ball of anger at the moment and I don't know what to do. I have suggested talking with someone but she refuses to even consider it. I'm also scared we'll end up with someone who supports the trans idea.

Maybe I'm transphobic. I think i might be because I don't support the idea that people can change sex. What even is gender? It's a social stereotype. I don't care if a man wants to wear a dress and call himself Doris. I do care if said man wants to use women only spaces.

I don't want to alienate my daughter.

Bloody hell! It’s impossible to change sex, don’t you know that?

No one thinks you can change your biological sex.

They do, actually. My DS thinks he’s changed himself into a woman.

I know a whole lot more young men who hate being associated with the toxic Andrew Tait culture, have girlfriends and female friends that they love and respect

My daughter also firmly believes she's a man.

This has just popped up in my feed. She's 16 in a couple of months.

She is now "gender queer". Apparently that means she doesn't know what sex she is. Which is silly but better.

We're letting her get on with it. We don't raise it and generally don't comment on it either way when she mentions it. It doesn't affect life too much now apart from if we call her a girl (apparently that's misgendering her) and she is paranoid about toilets. Luckily she doesn't want to use mens toilets. She likes "they/them" but doesn't care anymore if people use anything else so that is really good because I was finding pronouns difficult because using he/him and they/them would reinforce the nonsense and I couldn't do it.

She had an autism assessment and doesn't meet the criteria. The man who did it said we are approaching the trans stuff in the right way. He seemed to think that a lot of kids are getting caught up in it but most come back if given the space to and being allowed to do it without embarrassment or fuss.

Her dad thought I was transphobic but he had a run in with a couple of transwomen we know who are deeply unpleasant, misogynistic men and he is much more understanding of what I'm saying now. He still doesn't completely see why it is so problematic but he is more supportive of my views. However we also avoid discussing it too. I still feel kind of by myself with it.

She was telling me about a transperson at school who hates their body so we talked about body dysphoria vs trans. I gently challenged her and asked what gender means to her. I reminded her how angry she gets about gender stereotypes and asked if she doesn't she feel like she's falling into that trap? She started spouting "but I'm in the wrong body" so I pointed out the different gender roles in different cultures and asked whether she'd still feel gender queer if she was in those cultures. She said she didn't know so I asked her again whether that means she's just falling into gender stereotypes. She was getting herself tangled up and couldn't back up her arguments so fell back on the old "you're being offensive and transphobic and just dont care about my happiness". So in the interests of keeping communication open, I apologised and dropped it. I think I saw something click though. Maybe wishful thinking. That's the only time I've blatantly challenged her because I don't want her to shut down or hide or get defensive over it.

She's still a bit "girls suck" which pisses me off and I do challenge her on that.

She is feeling much, much more confident with her body now and I can't help but wonder how much her softening trans opinions are based on that.

She still hates her (feminine) birth name but is now going by a shortened version (think Olivia / Liv) rather than some ridiculous made up "gender neutral" name. She also seems to have found her style and is happier to explore clothing which is also improving her self image.

The labelling fashion at school is all about sexual orientation now. She has come out with all sorts of daft names and categories for the type of people she likes but her dad and me don't care about that. However I wouldn't be surprised if she told me that there are people who will only date other people who have a 2 syllable surname and they have a special label with various sub labels.

Anyway, after that rambling, I am feeling quite positive. I think she will grow up knowing she's female with just with a strong stereotypically masculine look and interests.

I've managed to subtly keep her away from Pride but we've ended up in Amstadam for World Pride which isn't good. However I'm with her, not her friends so can steer her away from places that will try to sell her binders etc again

I wish everyone else well and will keep my fingers crossed that this cult passes.

What a positive update OP. I can only imagine the mix of emotions you've endured as you've had to navigate all this as a parent. It's so good to hear that you've been able to retain a supportive relationship with her and have been able to gently challenge some of the problematic aspects.

Good luck for the future

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, Mrs Overton. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

I’m feeling very sad and uncertain about how to talk to my daughter about this stuff.

We have said to her that we won’t use her preferred name or pronouns and explained that this is based on advice following the Cass review. Her friends are unfortunately encouraging her by calling her a different name etc.

I’ve tried to ask open questions about why she feels this way but she simply repeats that male pronouns feel right and that she feels more comfortable and was born in the wrong body. This is hard to understand given that she has never previously expressed any concerns of this sort.

I don’t feel we can or should
endorse this. We have tried to explain to her why this is the case. However I don’t want to keep discussing it too often as I don’t think she can be reasoned out of it and I’m wary of making her entrenched in her views.

Anyway, I’m pleased to hear that things are going in the right direction for your daughter.

I had this with DD.
I said, lets slow this all down.
Drop the names. Drop the boxes, see what feels most comfortable for you without saying boy/ girl etc etc.
Some girls are not very girly, and some boys are not very girlish can we explore that?
I love you and i want you to be happy, so ill support you, but I need you to know that trans people's lives are very hard.

It didnt last a huge amount of time. A year or so later it was all forgotten about.
Shes now 18, and a lover of most things pink, granted she has some less than feminine hobbies but she knows shes a girl and is comfortable in her own skin

Thank you for that message. It sounds like you took a really sensible approach and really cheering to hear that it all worked out.

I dont have the answers but from experience i know this is a whirlwind of emotions. First and foremost do not ruin the relationship with your child for them to tell you stuff. I used to direct my anger and upset into other things (bottle bank lol) and continue to speak to your child calmly and be supportive. Its hard but keep that relationship x

Take their phone away. DO NOT LET THEM GET GROOMED ANY FURTHER. This is NOT normal. Wishing you both the best

I wish I could fix all of this crap. 😪

I think part of the issue is that trans people are often portrayed as the repressed and downtrodden, and ideological children want to do the right thing and support difference. They get swept up into the rhetoric and fashion.

I don't understand what the end game is for transpeople is. And I get so bloody pissed off that no one can have a sensible conversation about it without being called transphobic or hostile.

"And I get so bloody pissed off that no one can have a sensible conversation about it without being called transphobic or hostile"

I'm cautiously optimistic that the influence transgenderism has in schools will be minimised in the future. There are 2 major changes in legislation & guidance that will help parents if they find their child is being radcalised in schools.
Firstly the new Keeping Safe in Education guidelines places "gender questioning" children under safeguarding guidelines and is very clear that parents must be involved in all discussions - no more transitioning children in secret. Single sex changing rooms, toilets are clearly specified and schools must accurately record a child's sex. The new guidance on Sex / Relationships and Health Ed guidelines is clear that children mustn't be taught that everyone has a gender identity. Sex Ed must be age appropriate & all materials shared with parents.

The above aren't perfect but finally there is statutory guidance that will safeguard children from the countless trans lobby groups who've been able to get into schools and gaslight children as schools must comply with and parents will be able to challenge schools

Parents struggling to navigate this with children wll still have the same challenges but hopefully it will minimise the toxic influence that adults in some schools have had as they irresponsibly promote sex change to children.

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This.

My concern about my daughter’s school is that she is required to have a school device (which is how she was accessing Mermaids and other sites). The school won’t block access to these as they don’t regard them as harmful. They also aren’t actively addressing the issue of gender ideology in lessons, so they are passively allowing her to receive information that gender identity is fact, even if they aren’t actively teaching that. And they are doing nothing to put forward an alternate view.

She sounds more non binary to me than trans.

I agree OP. It is a victim mentality that is fuelled by constant media reports of how hard life is for trans people.

My kid is now 22 and on hormones. I would find it easier if it made them happier but I don't believe it does.

The biggest issue in my opinion is that being trans and special and different and feeling vilified by the world takes up so much headspace that actual life becomes even harder.

If some of that energy went into a career or other interests or relationships life would be infinitely better for them.

Things may be changing for the better in that fewer younger kids are getting caught up in this. I really hope so because it's a life-sapping tragedy.

You know non binary also falls under the “trans” label. Pretty much anything other than knowing you are the sex you were born falls under “trans” these days.

What utter sexist nonsense. Women are not a performance, we're not 'non-binary' just because you deem someone to not be womaning correctly.

She's a girl because of her biology, not because she does or doesn't fit into a box full of stereotypes.

She seems to have picked up a lot of misogynistic ideas. Where did she get the idea a women in science group means women getting an unfair advantage????? That’s utterly bizarre.

I'd be challenging that (while understanding how you need to pick your battles with a school). Mermaids has had a number of padeophile and data breach scandals and they're also pushing a narrative that everyone has a gender identity - schools are not allowed to teach children this. They've also had some dodgy chat room for minors issues.
There's also the issue of access to social media - I suspect the school really hasn't thought this through. They're undermining your rights and ability to safeguard your child by enabling access to unsuitable organisations,

This is the new statutory guidance about teaching Reslationships / sex education and there are limits on what schools can promote. It's lengthy but worth having a look at and may be of help:

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/6970e7e67e827090d02d42e0/Relationships_education_relationships_and_sex_education__RSE__and_health_education__for_intro_1_September_2026_.pdf

I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope you all find peace and happiness.

In my uneducated experience, it seems that not many people are actually happier once they transition. It often doesnt seem to "fix" whatever the issue they were trying to address is.

This has run like wildfire through my DDs year group and the ones who have dropped it sound like your DD. A lot of kids (teen girls especially) identify as trans first, rather than as a boy or girl - that seems to align more with the emo/goth mentality than actually changing sex. They adopt the uniform (piercings/hair dye/badges) of trans and hang about with similar girls, rather than try to emulated what the boys in their year are wearing and hanging out with them. There are one or two who do try to be like the boys, trying to be stealth, but for those who are just casting about to fit in, it's trans rather than being a boy that appeals. This is a lot easier than the group who want to be the opposite sex.

This does seem to be temporary for most as it is quite dull after the drama of coming out and everyone else coming out.

I would make it the least interesting thing about her, try to get her into hobbies more (not manga or gaming but things like sports and art). Praise the things she actually does and don't confuse this with praise for just being something, get her self esteem attached to objective, external achievements rather than attention and naval gazing. Just build up all the other things that make her her and this will fade out.

@GatherlyGal

My kid is now 22 and on hormones. I would find it easier if it made them happier but I don't believe it does.

That seems to be the common thread. One of my niblings started identifying as trans around 18, and began self-harming roughly around the same time. They've now been on hormones for a year or more and still frequently do psychiatric in-patient stints. It's heartbreaking to watch, not least for her parents, even if they do all the affirmation stuff and all siblings go along with it.

Speaking more generally, I believe that's also the gist of the recently published Finnish study that examined nation-wide cohort records and found mental health outcomes tend to get worse rather than better with transitioning.