My 14yr old is saying she is trans

[2cubesoficeandasliceoflime]

This turned into a brain dump.
TL:DR my 14 year old daughter says she trans. How can I deal with this nonsense?

..........
At her school it's fashionable to fall under the LGBT+ flag. She has always been openly gay/bi/pan (depending on the day) but in the last year or so, other people have convinced her she is trans.

The reason? She has very short hair (because she hates brushing it), wears tshirts and cargos (because they are comfy and she has zero interest in clothes), is tall (genetics) calls herself by a (stupid made up) gender neutral name (because she hates her real name) and never used to be bothered when strangers thought she was a boy. We'd roll our eyes and laugh about it.

But she has given in to the seemingly constant "accusations" that she is trans. In the last year or so, she has developed noticable breasts and she hates her body (more than normal teenage girl stuff) and sees any suggestions of being a girl as being the worse thing in the world. I used to call her my "lovely girl" etc. I now try to say my "lovely one" instead.

I don't want to encourage this but nor do I want to make her to shut down / become entrenched /make a bigger deal out of it. We still call her she and we also call her by her proper name. She seems happy with that. As far as I can make out all her friends still call her she too.

One of her friends claims to be trans. This is mainly because she likes football and her dad told her girls don't play football. Another is trans because she has a boys haircut, has a small chest and doesn't like her feminine name. What is this nonsense?

Her and a friend went to Pride last year. I never used to have any issues about that but last year it definitely had more of a kink/fetish thing going on which made me very uncomfortable and Im not sure how I feel about her going this year. I might have to double book her so that she doesn't go but I'm not stopping her iyswim.

A stall at Pride also sold her a chest binder. I'm still furious about that. I found it by accident (which is how this all came out). I talked to her about it causing tissue damage etc and I've bought her some medium support sports tops that don't look like bras and she seems OK about that if not completely happy.

She is in scouts and I have told her categorically that she will not be sharing tents, toilets etc with boys. She looked at me like I was stupid and asked why she would want to.

I don't care about her sexual orientation (as long as she's happy and her relationships are healthy). I do care that she is being pushed into this gender ideology crap based on, as far as I can tell, nothing biy good old fashioned gender stereotypes.

When I found the chest binder and asked her about it, she denied all knowledge and pretended she didn't know what it was. I kept it neutral and just said it was to make people look flat chested but it causes tissue damage and could have long term effects. She still denied it was hers but then burst into tears and said she was trans. Obviously my first reaction was to give her a hug and tell her we love her.

Last week someone called her son and I asked how she felt about it. She looked really sad but then angrily said "it's better than being a girl". That's the most I can get out of her really.

I don't know where she is getting this from. I've looked at her YouTube stuff (under the guise of her showing me her favoirite videos) and I can't see anything obvious in there. I've asked her outright and she just shrugs.

She's changing schools in September to somewhere much smaller. I'm hoping that stops some of this. That school runs a "women in science" mentoring type programme. I suggested she might be interested and she flew off the handle. Partly because she doesn't want to get advantages because she is female (which I get) but also because she's trans anyway.

I'm just worried. She's a little ball of anger at the moment and I don't know what to do. I have suggested talking with someone but she refuses to even consider it. I'm also scared we'll end up with someone who supports the trans idea.

Maybe I'm transphobic. I think i might be because I don't support the idea that people can change sex. What even is gender? It's a social stereotype. I don't care if a man wants to wear a dress and call himself Doris. I do care if said man wants to use women only spaces.

I don't want to alienate my daughter.

We've been where you are now. Hold the line, don't pander to name changes (her friends can call her what she wants), be supportive and loving but make it clear that she is a girl and that just because she doesn't fit in with other people's gender stereotypes doesn't mean that she is trans.

Could she be autistic?

I agree that a lot of it seems to be around problems coming to terms with the physical side of puberty, periods etc so all support you can give in that regard is good.

We've come out the other side and all is well.

Well if it were my child I would spend a lot of time discussing why they feel trans. There’s a difference between being a “tomboy” and actually feeling trapped in the wrong body. I would tell them they have many years yet before they can do anything physically altering and keep communication open. If they still believe it is right in a few years, then that’s their right to make choices.
BUT I’m not anti trans. I have a good friend who is trans and a trans niece. Both have been SO much happier since they transitioned so I can see the positives.

I'm so sorry for your dilemma @2cubesoficeandasliceoflime What a difficult time for you. Teenagers are SUCH hard work! And the years with them is a special kind of hell.

My BFF's only daughter/only child started mixing with a crowd of people from London when she was 16 after going to a festival there with an 19 y.o. friend. She turned into a PITA afterwards, and was trying to be/act all grown up like this gang. (Nice people, but all older. The youngest one was 19, and they were mostly at Uni, or working. A few of them were mid 20s, and my friend was really uneasy about it all.) Mix of male and female, around 15 of them, and around 6 of them were gay or bi.

Then she came home one day after meeting up with them, and said she was dating 'Lou.' We thought Lou was a gay man (he was 20,) but it turns out Lou was a transgender man. (Born female, and still bio female, but dressing as and presenting as a man.) She became quite serious with Lou, and stopped with him every other weekend (and his mum.)

My friend could not do much, but she did cry into her pillow every night as her one and only daughter was in a relationship with a transgender man. She said she is never going to have a normal life. She was very upset about it, but never said much to her. She just humoured her, and made out she was OK with it, and was pleasant to Lou.

After about 6 months it all fizzled out. The girl is now married to a (male born) man and has a daughter...

Hopefully, this obsession with being male will fizzle out for your daughter OP. Just sit tight and try to not show how upset you are.

Tell them that when they turn 16/18 they can choose whatever they want. Until that time, you will be responsible for their healthcare and you deem transitioning not a priority.
They may grow out of it, they may not.
This is coming from someone who has a trans family member.

Sorry you are in this situation OP.

You are doing all the right things. No need to be dismissive but also it doesn't need a lot of attention or fuss.

Things that helped us were:

Some therapy for our DD who was quite vulnerable to all this because of social isolation and a general lack of friends. (It can be hard to find a non-captured provider though so check thoroughly before you start)

A real effort to keep her close and connected while not agreeing at all on what she wanted in terms of treatment etc. We found a favourite TV show to watch together when younger siblings were in bed etc.

Open communication and so far as you can a neutral approach - we talked about how many people come to change how they feel so no need to take any permanent steps.

And trying to protect your child from lasting harm is not transphobic in the least.

This is risky as that time comes quicker than you think and a vulnerable 16 year old is not well placed to make life altering decisions.

I've been there - it's shit. It sounds like you're doing all the right things. You've already had some useful links shared with you. I've found Genspect and particularly the Gender Dysphoria Support Network to be very helpful to talk about this with other parents and the stories on this substack have helped me feel less alone.

Yeah don't do this.
Teens are not fully 'baked' until 25.

Fuck me that's a bit of a leap.

The daughter is clearly going through something and as a parent you'd want to be be by their side rather than push them away and let them do it without you.

Calm the fuck down 😂

Sorry, you care far too much and are probably feeding the proverbial troll. When I was 14, I wanted the live in a squat, have a hysterectomy and work as a mortician (just why?). I now have a very happy, and painfully normal life, thankfully devoid of corpses.

Let her do whatever, smile and nod (so long as she isn't doing anything dangerous). The exposure to kinky stuff at Pride is irrelevant, most 14 year olds are aware of kinks being a thing, rightly or wrongly.

It's not a leap at all.

As I said, I can only speak from my own experience.
I don’t know the ins and outs of the situation but stalling and delaying major decisions than can stop knee jerk wants.
My family member was 30 years old when they transitioned.

Thank god when this load of bollocks falls out of trend and the next new thing comes in.
I get some people are trans and born in the wrong body but most of it is getting totally stupid and should be starved of oxygen.

You did tell the OP "The fact that you called it nonsense right at the top suggests that maybe you should listen to your daughter and then you might avoid alienating her." Your shouldn't be surprised if other parents criticise that comment.

Parenting teenagers is difficult and the OP is trying to establish boundaries to keep her safe. You may not be aware but transactivists are very keen on threatening parents that if they don't comply with a child's demands about sex change then they're a bigot and they'll lose their child.

Parents shouldn't be frightened of parenting - the OP's been clear she loves her daughter but is rightly concerned and sceptical about her getting caught up in thinking she's been born in the wrong body at the age of 14.

Really?
We seem to accept that people will get married and have children before 25.
Really wanting to be a different sex will be pervasive well after 25 but children need to know that their welfare is the responsibility of the parent.
Should they choose to be something else at 18 then it’s on their own heads by then

We are teaching girls to hate being girls. Young boys now are taught to hate women and girls and it seeps through.
We need to be proud to be women. All the men are.

Don't understand the need to label things it used to be just lesbian and tomboy so effectively a woman still but more tomboy ask her if she is going to use the male changing rooms and toilets

My teen said they felt better with labelling themselves as a tween or early teen. They felt they needed to fit in somewhere.

Luckily, they grew out of that need by about 17.

Do you know many 16-18 year olds? Should they be allowed to make decisions that take away their fertility? Increase their risk of heart and liver problems? Turn them into lifelong medical patients? Making decisions that impact your whole life is risky for a lot of kids that age. They just don't have the foresight that comes with age and maturity. Particularly when so many have autism.

Its all very well saying its "on their own heads" but when that's your kid and they are making decisions which you know many people go on to regret deeply that is hard.

That’s true of a whole heap of decisions teens make. Yes, they should be allowed to make those decisions if they are deemed Gillick competent by their doctor.

As parents, you advise and guide, the decision in the end is theirs. Your only role other than that is to support them and be there for them of it goes wrong.

Trans adults were once trans kids.
This is either going to be a phase, or it isn't. And if it isn't, if you listen to mumsnet, you will alienate your child and damage your relationship with them, probably permanently.

There are worse things in the world than showing your trans child unconditional love.

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

They're the opposite to mermaids so no danger of being sold the affirmation line and medicalised Pathway.

If she were in the 90s, she’d be a tomboy. Just acknowledge, then ignore. If it’s a phase, she’ll grow out of it. If she trans, then she won’t.

No. The majority of the men claiming to be women who "lead" this movement transitioned after they'd had their families / careers and most retain their penis. They rely on people believing in the fiction of "trans kids' to validate their choices and are over keen on children having drugs and surgery before they're old enough to fully understand the consequences of harming a perfect growing body and ending up as a permanent medical patient, infertile and with poor mental and physical health.
No child is born in the wrong body and all children are entitled to go through the critical period of puberty. Good parents piut in place boundaries to keep their children safe and nobody should be threatening a parent that if they don't comply with their demands they'll "damage your relationship with them, probably permanently".

You sound like a great mum, @2cubesoficeandasliceoflime. I don’t really have much advice but wanted to just post in support. You’ve spotted the dodgy things right off (your assessment of Pride these days is spot on, I wouldn’t allow her back there).

I think carrying in as you have been is good. I think it’s generally thought that the best cure for gender distress is getting through puberty and out the other side.