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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not know how to feel about DH watching porn.

57 replies

Swottydotty · 09/02/2023 22:23

So I’ve noticed the Sky bill has been high but haven’t looked into it. Rang to get a deal and when I looked into the account DH has run up a bill of about 500 over 18 months renting our porn movies. It’s about 30 a month so one every 10 days or so. We haven’t had a great sex life for a while to be honest but I’m not sure how to feel about this. Part of me is angry, then disgusted, then fearful for our marriage.
I asked him about it, he admitted it and agrees that we need to get intimacy back on track

OP posts:
deflatedbirthday · 09/02/2023 22:27

Aside from the porn itself, why is he paying for it?! It's readily available for free!

Swottydotty · 09/02/2023 22:28

Well he’s not very tech savvy 😂

OP posts:
DillDanding · 09/02/2023 22:31

He’s a basic moron. I would have no interest in a man who thinks women are there for objectification.

But then I married a decent guy…

deflatedbirthday · 09/02/2023 22:34

Flipping heck OP! I know I'm completely missing the point but the absolute waste of money was what stuck me first (it's my tight yokshireness 😆)

I suppose in a way he's done it where he knew you would be able to see it on the bill, so he's not hiding the fact that's what he's doing. Maybe use it, as you have, as a catalyst to change things. Talk to each other. Find out what you both need from the intimacy in your relationship. A frank conversation might be all this requires. And it might save you a bob or two!

Bryonny84 · 09/02/2023 22:34

Porn becomes addictive so if I were you I'd address it right now because it won't go away if you don't sort your own intimacy out.

VestaTilley · 09/02/2023 22:36

It’s disrespectful to you, addictive, objectifies women and encourages violence.

He shouldn’t be rewarded by more sex from you, or able to guilt you in to thinking this is your fault. It isn’t.

I’d be considering my future with him.

Aldisfinest · 09/02/2023 22:41

Personally, I wouldn't care if my husband was watching porn. I would be more angry that he's running up the sky bill by paying for it when it's freely available online

ScrollingLeaves · 09/02/2023 22:45

You might like to look at this. (The Transgenderism but isn’t the main part, just ignore.)

forthvalleyfeminists.com/dr-em-porn-culture-and-transgenderism/

Zola1 · 09/02/2023 22:47

Why is he not just watching pornhub?
I don't really like my partner watching porn, but that's about my own insecurity. I wouldn't go mad over it...unless he was stupid enough to be paying for it

Adrelaxzz · 09/02/2023 22:47

The only time we had a serious patch of shite sex in our 23 years together was a few weeks when DH watched porn (the novelty of the internet!). He became shit in bed. We talked about how I don't morally like it, how it feeds into trafficking, rape and misogyny and how the sex was shit. He hadn't really thought about it like that before, but then agreed with me and hasn't watched it since.
If he had carried on I would have been upset but I wasnt because he changed.

Swottydotty · 09/02/2023 22:53

I’m not sure it’s a reason for leaving but Im not impressed and so think less of him

OP posts:
LoveMyADHD · 09/02/2023 22:55

Aldisfinest · 09/02/2023 22:41

Personally, I wouldn't care if my husband was watching porn. I would be more angry that he's running up the sky bill by paying for it when it's freely available online

This!!!!!

have to say though I didn’t think it’s available online for free in Uk anymore ! I think they brought in a legislation on this recently … 🤔

Harriettt · 09/02/2023 22:56

What a dafty when its free on the Internet.

Siameasy · 09/02/2023 22:56

You don’t have to leave just cos people on here say so. The cost would annoy me. Use it as a springboard to get intimacy back on track as if he’s not getting sex he will resort to porn.

RunningFromInsanity · 09/02/2023 22:56

Aldisfinest · 09/02/2023 22:41

Personally, I wouldn't care if my husband was watching porn. I would be more angry that he's running up the sky bill by paying for it when it's freely available online

This.

Siameasy · 09/02/2023 22:57

Yeah I wouldn’t care either. Could not give a monkeys

Harriettt · 09/02/2023 22:59

I'm really surprised at the comments up to now. Usually posts like this go on and MNers tell the OP to divorce divorce divorce. It's quite refreshing to see people not phased by it, I'm usually one of the only ones not phased by it.

ScrollingLeaves · 09/02/2023 23:03

From article posted earlier:
Warning: upsetting

Tanya, the former porn performer known as Jersey Jaxin who specialised in ‘teen’ and ‘barely-legal’ categories, describes how as a performer your work day is

‘Guys punching you in the face. You have semen from many men all over your face, in your eyes. You get ripped. Your insides can come out of you. It’s never ending. You’re viewed as an object and not as a human with a spirit’.

Jersey Jaxin
Similarly, the exited performer Regan Starr spoke of how

“I got the shit kicked out of me. I was told before the video – and they said this very proudly– that in this line most of the girls start crying because they’re hurting so bad . . . I couldn’t breathe. I was being hit and choked. I was really upset, and they didn’t stop. They kept filming. You can hear me say, ‘Turn the f*cking camera off’, and they kept going’.

Regan Starr
These two women haven’t been unlucky, the violence and degradation is the point of porn, and porn happens to real women and girls.

Alexa Milano detailed how in ‘My first movie I was treated very rough by 3 guys. They pounded on me, gagged me with their penises, and tossed me around like I was a ball! I was sore, hurting and could barely walk. My insides burned’.

20-year-old current porn performer Michelle has recounted the day she met her then fiancé on a porn set:

It began charmingly but when they started filming… the tone changed. Without any prompting, Vidal got rough during the sex, slapping Michelle’s face violently from side to side, and choking her.

Afterward, she looked shaken, her face reddened and her eyes watery. But she insisted she was OK. “I look torn up — can you tell?,” Laughing and wiping her eye, she turned away and said without conviction, “I took a beating today, and it was great.”

Michelle highlights one way violence against women and girls operates in porn. Women are heard and seen having a positive, often ‘orgasmic’, reaction to being slapped and choked, their orifices stretched by double, sometimes triple penetration, for those unaware of what that is it is multiple penises same orafice same time, and punches from fists. This normalises the idea that women want to be hurt, that women get off on male abuse.

Well, erections aren’t magical, they don’t turn pain into pleasure lads.

The other way violence works in porn is that it is the explicit point of it. So split screens are frequently used in ‘Painal’ – one screen shows the penis pounding the women’s anus while the other shows her tears, agony and screaming.

A quick search of ‘Pain’ on Pornhub delivers in under a second ‘”OMG That’s the wrong hole! It hurts!!!!” – Accidental anal with creampie – 23.4 million views’, ‘UNPREPARED RAW ANAL! (too thick) MILF cant handle PAIN but HE KEPT GOING – 9.4 million views’,
‘ONLYFANS LEAK – Latina gets roughed up, SLAPPED, SPIT ON, FUCKED UNTIL SHE CRIES – 3 million views’.

‘Messy sloppy deepthroat, destroyed my face – 2M views’ – the Pornhub thumbnail advertising the film is an image of a teenage girl in a school tie with mascara and make up smeared over her face from crying, her own vomit mixed in as she was repeatedly sick as she was being choked. You get the idea, I don’t think I need to press this point further.

Pornhub, to use Laila Mickelwait’s apt description, is a crime scene.

Micklewait launched and manages the hugely successful TraffickingHub campaign.

Within a year of the campaign Pornhub had deleted 80% of the site totaling 10 million videos because it contained child sexual abuse videos or other illegal content, lost all payment processing (MasterCard, Visa, Discover and PayPal), upended its business model and is now a global pariah—facing 7 major lawsuits and under investigation by multiple governments for child sexual abuse, sex trafficking, and other illegal activity.

Even women who enter porn supposedly freely, although abuse backgrounds, poverty, and a culture of sexual objectification do complicate this choice, are coerced into doing sex acts that they have explicitly said they are unwilling to do. This is rape.

If women don’t go through with what the producer demands then no-one gets paid. Those 3 – to 22 hours of previous gruelling degradation she has just endured will not be paid. What would you choose?

So, that is porn and we live in the porn era.

Statista compiled data which showed that Pornhub had a total number of monthly visits of just under 10.2 billion. If videos and images had no impact on behaviour, why is the global advertising industry in 2022 calculated to be worth 808 billion U.S. dollars?

In terms of global trends, ‘The Transgender category grew by +75% to become the 7th most popular category worldwide’. As the porn grows in consumption we can see the legislation ripping through parliaments and women’s rights worldwide.

A 2019 survey of 10,000 Brits showed that 38% of men say they watch porn every day, while 74% of men watch porn at least four times a week. Ofcom did a survey in 2020 which suggested that half of all UK adults watch porn. Note the ‘sex neutral language’ the consumption of this violent material is presented in by Ofcom. We know it’s not women wholesale getting off to this stuff.

Now, for Scotland’s Porn Habits

Pornhub, proud of its data and market share, has allowed a closer look. Pornhub obscures the fact that we are talking about men and male sexual consumption by calling them visitors, like johns are called clients.

Lesbian was the most viewed category of videos on Pornhub accessed by men in Scotland.

Pornhub data revealed that ‘Glaswegians love to watch porn at work, men from Stirling like to view pissing porn and those in Edinburgh are more likely to watch interracial clips.

A note, watching porn at work constitutes sexual harassment if female staff witness it. Also, to me that is such a male thing to dominate their space. I have never known a woman go into work and start wanking.

Pornhub data shows that Scottish men are 41% more likely to watch fetish videos, so the even more extreme violence against women and girls – beatings drawing blood, metal hooks up the arse, that kind of thing – and 42% more likely to watch bondage compared to the rest of the UK.

Patriotically, ‘Searches for “Kilt” are 892% more popular in Scotland compared to the rest of the world’.

Pornhub tells us that on average men from Stirling spend 8 seconds less than men from Aberdeen viewing material on each visit.

Visitors, aka men, from North East Scotland are 171% more likely to search “chav”, the North West are 73 % more into “chubby” porn, lower down the country have a 77% bigger taste for ‘big beautiful women’.

Stats from the web giant in 2022 reveal ‘visitors’, that word again, from Scotland aka men are 55% more likely to search “pegging” than those elsewhere in the UK.

Pegging is when a woman inserts a strap-on dildo into the anus of a man. This isn’t about ‘femdom’, this is often more about coercing a woman into doing sexually something she doesn’t want to do.

The transwidow Philomena: ‘It was not my idea of womanhood. In fact, his version offended me. It was degrading and violent. He clearly thought being a woman meant wanting to be raped and tortured. I told him wearing strap-ons was very sore on my c-section scar.’

Philomena has shared how ‘He accused me of trying to shame him when I gagged at the smell of his silicone toys mixed with alkyl nitrate fumes and bodily fluids’.

In March 2022 it was reported that a ‘Record number of Scots were seeking help for ‘escalating’ porn addiction’.

But Hannah Witton speaking on the BBC wanted men to know she’s a cool girl, and not like those nasty feminists when she stated that she ‘thinks there’s still a way to go in removing the stigma of watching porn for everyone, whether single or in a relationship’ and porn was about introspection of one’s sexuality. If I wasn’t wearing my glasses you would be able to see just how hard I’m rolling my eyes here.

Porn is destigmatised, it is presented as a legitimate form of male entertainment – that isn’t new, Series 4 of Friends in 1998 had the episode ‘The One with the Porn’, the High Street used to sell Playboy bunny branded tops to teen girls, Marks and Spenser stocked a ‘Porn Star Martini’ until challenged by Object, Ann Summers partnered with Pornhub until I, pointed out the errors in their thinking.

Porn isn’t about introspection, it is about domination and control. It is in our institutions, it is in our policing, government, homes and schools.

‘Inspectors spoke to more than 900 children and were told that boys are sharing “nudes” among themselves like a “collection game” on platforms such as WhatsApp and Snapchat, while some girls were “touched up” regularly in crowded corridors.

Girls said this behaviour was so commonplace, they did not see the point of reporting it and they just saw it as a “part of life”.

The website Everyone’s Invited has been like the MeToo movement for schoolgirls to document the sexual harassment and rape they face at the hands of their male peers. In 2021 ‘More than 120 schools across Scotland had been named in connection with allegations of sexual assault and sexual harassment’.

In fact, 17 primary schools in Scotland were identified, I wonder if this correlates to the average age of first viewing porn being 9-to-11 year olds? Although new research by the British Board of Film Classification puts first viewing age at 7 years old. It is accidental, it is one click way, or it is a friend showing you, on their internet connected smart phone. 71% of visits to Pornhub from Scotland are from smartphones.

MSPs have known about this problem, Scottish children’s access to harmful material, for at least 16 years. Dr Ray Wyre presented research to a committee of MSPs on this topic in 2007 and argued for legislative action.

I don’t think the legislative action he wanted was for MSPs to remove all girl’s safe spaces, particularly when they are vulnerable. To tell our girls that men and boys get to define them.

We repeatedly see British police officers facing sanction for sharing porn and rape jokes on Whatsapp. It came as no surprise to feminists that the police officer, Wayne Couzens, who abducted, raped and murdered Sarah Everard was a porn addict.

In mid-January the Met police officer David Carrick admitted to 49 offences, including 24 counts of rape, used similar language to describe women. Told colleagues and victims how he was a dominant and got off on humiliating them. He liked to urinate on women after he had raped them. Carrick isn’t trans-identified, well yet – many men discover their trans identity in prison on sex offences don’t they.

Over 1000 police officers and staff in just the Met are under investigation for abuse.

‘At a meeting last November of the Scottish Police Authority it was revealed that 410 sexual allegations were recorded between January 2017 and October 2021 against police officers and staff’.

If crimes against women, particularly sexual crimes, do make it to court, how many members of the jury are masturbating to the idea that all women want it, even when they say no, and they want it rough?

Politicians and candidates are similarly awash with porn.

Up in one end of the country, Paul Wright, SNP to contest the Brechin and Edzell ward, admitted posting extreme pornography’ on Twitter as part of an argument, porn posted as a weapon to win a point.

Representing a Devon constituency at almost the other end of the country, the Conservative MP Neil Parish, was found watching porn on his phone in the Commons chamber, he admitted to twice accessing porn from parliament claiming once he was looking for tractors.

It is across all parties, it is from Scotland to Devon, this consumption and use of sexual violence against women.

In 2018 data showed over 24,000 attempts to access porn sites from parliamentary computers in just under 4 months. That’s not all Neil Parish and his ‘tractors’. I don’t think it is possible to have that many tabs open.

But, yet again, the press presents it like the computers are doing it on their own, that no man is sat behind the keyboard.

Holyrood has not been forthcoming on its porn access data.

How can they pass laws that view women as equal while consuming this material?

Is that how these batshit laws that define women as holes and fetish fodder for men have passed through parliaments so quickly and with such ease?

Siameasy · 09/02/2023 23:05

Harriettt · 09/02/2023 22:59

I'm really surprised at the comments up to now. Usually posts like this go on and MNers tell the OP to divorce divorce divorce. It's quite refreshing to see people not phased by it, I'm usually one of the only ones not phased by it.

I feel like you’re meant to pretend to care cos it makes you look worthy or something. A medal might be waiting in the afterlife.
Caring or not caring it’s all the same afaic.
Let him look at Sam Fox ffs😂

Swottydotty · 09/02/2023 23:08

I mean I do care but i don’t think it’s a leaving offence. I will talk to him about the porn industry though

OP posts:
TeapotTitties · 09/02/2023 23:10

His choice, I couldn't care less if he watches porn but I can't believe he's paying for it??

LoveMyADHD · 09/02/2023 23:12

Swottydotty · 09/02/2023 23:08

I mean I do care but i don’t think it’s a leaving offence. I will talk to him about the porn industry though

Just show him the poster’s findings above.. if he continues after that, that’d be a bit crappy

BubziOwl · 09/02/2023 23:12

I'd be annoyed about the porn, but I'm a very uncool anti porn type - but as someone who has never had sky I had no idea you could use it to watch porn?! I would think the stuff available with something like Sky would be relatively tame compared to the awful stuff online at least, so that would give me a bit of solace if I were you?

However, it's all for naught as I'd have to divorce over the waste of £500 🤣 sorry!

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/02/2023 23:13

I would be so angry if my DH spent that much on porn, and I would be so disgusted with him actually watching porn that I'm not sure our relationship would recover. I hope you manage to sort it OP.

Harriettt · 09/02/2023 23:15

I'd prefer him watching porn any day than attempting to read that post above with 6 million paragraphs in it 🤯

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