To wonder why women stay with partners who don't help?

[30flirtyandthriving]

First I want to say this isn't bashing people who are in a happy, healthy relationship. If that's what you want for your life, go for it.

This is because all I seem to see on social media is (mostly) women saying how they work, look after the kids and are expected to do the cooking/housework and that their S/O does little to nothing, or even complains about having to pitch in.

I've been single for about 8 years, by choice, and yes it does mean that the majority of cooking cleaning etc goes to me, DD(10) contributes of course, but I'd much rather be single and do everything by myself, than have someone who not only doesn't appreciate what I do, but complains when they're asked to contribute.

I don't understand why some women continue to stay in a relationship where they're constantly undervalued??

I despair of this: I really do. There are so many men like this. I can’t understand why so many women put up with it.

Some people like to play the martyr.

I wonder why people refer to them 'as partners who don't help'.

I agree, or have multiple children who did fuck all with the first one. It was unlikely they’d leap into action on child three.

In most cases where this happens it tends to fall into one of these categories (or more than one).

1. Social expectations and the historical baggage of gender roles: a lot of people experienced this in their parents' marriage and it doesn't occur to them to challenge it.
2. Marriages divided along traditional gender lines where there is a breadwinning husband and a SAH wife tend to exacerbate this problem because in many cases the bloke feels he shouldn't have to do anything in the home because he is "working hard to provide" and that domestic stuff is the woman's job by default.
3. Many women feel that having a man is the ultimate goal of their lives and they should hang on to him at almost all costs so aren't willing to rock the boat by "nagging".
4. A certain type of neurosis which afflicts some women who believe their husbands/partners "can't" do domestic work to their standards and convince themselves they would rather do it themselves.
5. Taking the path of least resistance. Knowing that asking a man to help will prompt a row or a sulk and lacking the energy or the stamina to provoke one.

I’ve no idea why it’s a thing either.
Is it a high percentage? I honestly don’t know, I see people rehash it all the time on mumsnet ‘women are expected to earn 50/50 but clean the house and do all the childcare’. It doesn’t ring true IRL for me, I don’t know anyone with a man like that.

You sort of see the beginnings of it sometimes on posts where the woman is happy to accept that her ‘D’H ‘doesn’t see mess’ and can’t be left with the kids because ‘they don’t settle for him’.
I can only assume they are happy doing everything or at least aren’t unhappy enough to change it.

It’s because of the narrative that a male partner who does his fair share, “helps”. It implies that doing their half of the daily mundane tasks is to help their partner out. It’s not. They should do it because it’s half their responsibility.
It’s the same as when people refer to their husband as babysitting their own children. I despair at it, he’s not babysitting he’s being a parent.
Or you get comments about how good of a Dad they are if they do some night feeds. Mum don’t get praise for feeding their babies in the night, why should men?
It’s this constant societal implications that Men can choose or choose not to share the workload with their spouse that creates the problem. We see fathers who do their half as “good” rather than the standard.

I’d argue against the concept of “help”. Keeping a home and taking responsibility for child-care should be considered joint, not an option to be disregarded at will

This isn’t my situation, but personally I’m fairly desperate not to have to share my children 50/50 with anyone, nethermind someone who can’t be bothered to take care of them normally. I don’t want a break from them and missing 50% of their lives would be crap.

If they left they still have to do everything and pay all the bills.

You don't usually start a relationship being complety lazy and reliant on your OH doing everything for you, you're usually on your best behaviour, and even when you first move in together, there's usually a honeymoon period. Things like doing all the cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids (if you have them) creep in over time, then the resentment starts. Most people stay in relationships like this because they've gots kids, financial issues, are scared of being alone so put up with it etc. It's not that hard to understand really. It's shit that they feel they can't get out of it though.

Like some other posters have mentioned, I am rolling my eyes that you start a thread on this kind of topic but refer to the men “helping”. If you had started a thread about women who have partners that “don’t do their fair share” and I could have taken the thread seriously.

Things like doing all the cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids (if you have them) creep in over time, then the resentment starts. Most people stay in relationships like this because they've gots kids, financial issues, are scared of being alone so put up with it etc

And this…

I can't speak for everyone. But leaving isn't as simple as it seems. It's so hard to uproot the children and change their lives forever if you are the only one unhappy.

1. Relationships are complicated; a snapshot of a complaint on social media doesn't necessarily represent the entirety of that relationship
2. Maybe some of these women are working towards getting their ducks in a row, but it just takes a bit of time
3. Some simply don't care, or aren't hugely bothered about unequal splits in domestic jobs
4. Sometimes it's a 'devil you know' situation. He might be shit at night feeds, cleaning and emptying the bins, but for some people even that's still easier than being on your own (or could feel that way)
5. There's still a societal stigma against a) single women and b) single mothers that carries a lot of misogyny, both internal and external

Maybe he’s a decent ride?

My DH does very little plus he openly belittles me and tells everyone who will listen how lucky I am that he takes care of me financially to do nothing.

We have 2 girls with SEN and an elderly dependent relative too so leaving him is impossible. He knows this. It's not even on the table as a remote possibility.

Financially it would be impossible for me to give them a decent quality of life as I can't work and care for them properly.

Practically, even the 5% effort he puts in with the girls makes a difference. I cannot do it all by myself.

They couldn't cope with the upheaval and stress of any sort of change, never mind losing their home, their fun dad and their creature comforts.

Not everyone has the luxury of saying he's a pig so I'm going to LTB.

And I don't appreciate being called a martyr either. I'm not. I'm doing what is best with my family and in some ways for me too. It's a deliberate decision, and I live with the consequences.

It's hard to do everything at home and with the kids plus take on all the financial responsibilities and still have time for yourself, I guess.

The women I know in these positions stay because they want to work part time and they're bloody miserable.

Obviously that's only my specific experience of a couple of people. There are lots of families that this dynamic works for.

In my case i was raised by a Narc mother. I was the scapegoat and Cinderella child. I was the only one expected to do house hold chores, child raising and to contribute financially. If i tried to push back I was punished harshly and constantly screamed at and put down.

I did the typical thing and left home at 17 to live with yet another narc who promised he would love me, and my God I needed to be loved.
When he refused to help and screamed at me I was useless, it was totally normal to me. I had never known anything else. I also had my mum telling me I was a terrible mother/wife and deserved this. When the two people you love and trust most in the world say this to you, you believe them. Took me 20 years to break free.

Stop sneering down you nose at these women. Stop smugly stating"I wouldnt put up with that" You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors, and you have no idea how bloody lucky you are.

I do 99% of domestic chores and its because DH works crazily long hours and I work part time. Its also because I'm a bit of a control freak. I like to be in charge of what we eat, the laundry etc. When he offers to do something I often say no because I want to do things my way. So there are different reasons a woman might be in this situation.

I disagree. I am pretty certain that many women ignore blatant red flags.

I have a man like this. We were older when we met and he was pretty much set in his ways and I knew that.
He leaves his clothes on the floor, never puts them in the wash despite me telling him it is lazy
He never cleans up in the kitchen, never puts rubbish out or any of those mundane everyday jobs
He does not even mow the lawn.
He does however mend things. My beloved Dyson. the 20 year old hand held one that is the best vac I have ever owned using it for the stairs and the car etc is currently in pieces waiting for a part which he will put back and make it like new again.
He fixes things for my daughter in her house. puts up curtain rails.. he built our decking by himself.. drew up the plans and using his work tools created a fantastic space for us.
He's always here no matter what. Some things you have to let go because the other things are great.
Anyway he knows I like to mow the lawn myself.
I do not feel undervalued at all. I feel lucky to be happy.

How you can't understand the complexity of these issues rooted in social history and dominant discourses, the patriarchy and the history of subjugation of women is beyond me. It's like asking why women don't get into the top 1% more often or why people from certain backgrounds end up over represented in prison. There is so much you need to read clearly!

There usually are red flags but the excuses and apologies are accepted.
People need to learn the old mumsnet advice of when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Don't believe the words that follow.

What @Thepeopleversuswork said, plus domestic abuse