To wonder why women stay with partners who don't help?

DP's mother is like this. His father is a nice man and treats her well but she is constantly going on about how he is so useless, and if he does try to do anything she hovers around him constantly criticising. He doesn't do himself any favours, but he also has never needed to learn how to do anything properly because she nags until he gives up. (He went from living with his parents to living with her). DP said when he was a teenager he realised he could try to do household chores and be nagged, or do nothing and still be nagged so he chose the latter.

It almost seems like a bit of a pastime between her and her friends (55+, working class, northern). They love to sit around and go on about how stupid and useless their husbands are, as if it's fun banter. It always shocks me when I hear it because I did not grow up hearing my parents, or any of my friends' parents, speaking that way.

There are women that generally believe in pink brain/blue brain, and that men have some sort of genetic predisposition to an inability to do housework, and women just naturally do it.

see it on threads here “I have a girl and a boy who have been raised exactly the same and the girl just loves to help me dust while the boy plays video games”. Refusing to accept any external societal influence, or that they have not had any input themselves when buying the girl dolls and the boy cars.

i see it in cafes where girls are made to sit nicely and help tidy up while boys go outside to play as “boys need to burn off energy”.

add in the societal issues of women not taking up space and being people pleasers, and boys pretty much doing what they choose.

I know two men that genuinely pull their weight with both children and house. To the point one of their wives actually said oh I don’t need a cleaner, the house keeps itself pretty clean and tidy. She simply didn’t see that her husband put the cups in the dishwasher when getting a drink, took the washing upstairs when going to the loo, got the hoover out quickly when the child went up for a bath.

both these men lost their mums very young, so there was a need for someone to fill that woman shaped hole, so they picked up the wifework naturally.

@Rocketclub
honestly I don’t miss him at all but can you really not see why some women stay - if he isn’t cheating and is a good laugh and a lazy fucker - or a reasonable dad - I can see why

This is such a sad standard to have. I honestly cannot fathom why some women would stay with someone for reasons such as “he isn’t cheating” or is a “reasonable” father. What even is a reasonable dad?

Lol same!

It’s truly unfathomable that people have such low standards.

Many people struggle to be economically viable alone
Some enjoy being a martyr
Social conditioning

Oh god my mum is like this.

I have to do everything no don't do that I prefer to do it look at this stop you're doing it wrong I shouldn't have to tell you what to do you should just know stop don't do that if I want you to I'll ask leave it alone I have a system you hung the washing out wrong you hoovered wrong you cleaned the kitchen wrong I'm fed up being the only one who ever does anything...

You literally could not win with that woman. She wanted to be hard done by.

She now tries to act like I'm the same. I don't see her any more but she used to come for Christmas and I'd be in the kitchen and she'd come in, rub my shoulders and tell me I was stressed, tired, it's too much etc. I'd smile and say no, I really enjoy it.

Pissed her right off.

I think it’s because a lot of the time, the mum worries that the child won’t be looked after properly by the dad if she leaves and has to allow access (which she will have to do).

well done for leaving your unhappy relationship. That was the right thing for you. For others the weigh up is not seeing their children every day and worrying about their welfare when they are apart.

I'd imagine that one common reason is that rightly or wrongly they believe that men that think about anyone elses needs are a rare breed. The chances they will find one to spend life with are slim. Why bother going through the aggro of finding an equally useless spouse and breaking up the current family?

I understand completely your post. I had a narc mother- really glad that you got out of the situation. Sending 🤗 hugs

The short answer is generally peoples lives and how they have reached this point in their relationship is a lot more complex than saying “I’m dumping you because you don’t do this, this and this”
some will eventually reach that conclusion and others will work it out.

in the meantime they talk to other women about it on forums such as these.
thats why you are reading about it.

It's not that hard to work out - its because they'd rather put up with an unequal relationship than single.

I mean I don't "get it" as in I'm the same as you and would far rather be single than in an unequal relationship but a lot of women think differently. We can narrow down the reasons WHY they'd prefer that option (societal, financial, emotional etc.) but that's basically it.

There is also the third option that you might get lucky and then meet someone new who does do more housework but honestly there's a limited number of them out there, you might be swapping one character flaw for another one, and you'll usually still have a period of singleness with all the issues that entails in-between.

@tiredofthiisshit21 Why on earth shouldn't women expect to be able earn enough in their own right to support themselves though? Why the need for reliance on a man for money?

This with big brass balls on.^^

I was single (in a well-paid professional occupation)for years in between (D)H1 and DH2 and I can tell you that some men find an intelligent, financially independent women a real threat.
That's because they know we have an option and won't put up with any BS.

Low self esteem mostly I guess. And weirdly, I think some women actually feel empowered being the ones who have to do everything - like they are the ones ‘in charge’ and it gives them a sense of control. I have a friend who complains about her DH like this all the time, but in quite a patronising kind of way, like she’s infantilising him - how you would describe a lazy teenager basically, not a grown man. I personally wouldn’t feel in charge, I’d feel like a right muggins. Also, I’d find it a massive turn off in a man.

@Fromthedarkside same here - exact same scenario! It took a long time for me to remarry and I definitely didn't need his money - still don't.

What “does not help” means can have 1000s of different interpretations.

Most women think a husband is a fantastic involved father and partner just for kicking a ball with their kids once a week and making a cup of coffee in the mornings. If a woman only did that apart of her job she would bf considered lazy and irresponsible.

Ive got a good one in this respect as he actually does more than me. However he is completely for equality across the relationship board. For example he wants to retire at 60 and has saved enough to do so. He certainly wouldn’t fund me in retirement or allow me to retire just because he has, unless I had the money to fund myself. Fair enough.

I have friends who do all the work but don’t have to worry at all about finances as their husbands support them.

I suppose different situations appeal to different people.

I think there are many, many reasons that women stay with men who don't 'help' - in some cases it will be simply be that they've been conditioned by society to believe that this is just the way things are and that you can't really expect any different. It's that 'men, what are they like, eh?' thing that you see on Mumsnet a lot. For some women, they simply don't feel they could manage financially or emotionally on their own.

But there will also be cases where women think about their relationship as a whole and what matters most to them. For some women, the cons of being married to someone who does bugger all in the house will be outweighed by other qualities their partner might have, qualities that they personally value more in a partner than a willingness to do housework. Everyone's different, and I think everyone chooses to overlook some faults in their partner that another person would consider a deal-breaker.

Maternity leave doesnt help. Some of these type of men see ot as the woman having "a year off" and decide to let her do everything as she is at home.


And because she often does so they can have "family time" at the weekend it becomes the new normal. Man thinks staying home with the baby is easy (whilst curiously never looks after the child alone) and woman maintains role as established care worker.

It annoys me when SAHP buy into the idea that working outside the home is harder than being the SAHP. I love work, people do what I ask them to do, I get breaks and adult company and time to finish forming a single thought.

Until men get a year of leave (not shared parental but an actual year of use it or lose it leave), this shit will carry on and men will continue to he the preferred candidate for many roles.

Because they don't want to live without their kids every other weekend or half the week and they don't trust that the other half will look after them properly during this time. Because they don't want their kids sleeping in an adult shared house to stay with their dad. Because they don't want to be a single parent and have to do the same housework but on less money which inevitably means working more on top of the housework. Because they will lose their housing and would have to worry about how to feed their children. These posts come from people who don't see poverty in their social circle.

@10HailMarys But there will also be cases where women think about their relationship as a whole and what matters most to them. For some women, the cons of being married to someone who does bugger all in the house will be outweighed by other qualities their partner might have, qualities that they personally value more in a partner than a willingness to do housework.

I have seen this in operation.

I know women who are happy (?) to be unpaid domestics, nannies/childminders married to idle (about the house) men. They get the 2 foreign holidays a year, granite worktops, Miele appliances etc because their OH has a very well-paid job.

I can't think of anything more boring than cleaning and gladly pay someone else to do it !