To wonder why women stay with partners who don't help?

@Pugalicious

My husband fixes things AND he does his share of the housework, mows the lawn etc. We have a happy marriage. I feel lucky to have a equal partner in life who respects me.

What do you mean 'don't help'? Do you mean that they don't do their equal share of the household chores? Because by using the word 'help' you're implying that everything is the woman's job and the partner is doing her a favour by doing any of it.

@safetyfreak · Today 13:20
@Pugalicious
My husband fixes things AND he does his share of the housework, mows the lawn etc. We have a happy marriage. I feel lucky to have a equal partner in life who respects me.

Good for you.

Mine did sod all but he contributed his salary and cost very little.I did however all the work and childcare and worked full time. We are divorced - I still have the child 24/7 and do all the parenting and work full time but we only have my salary.

if mine had be more like a friend - I would have probably put up with it - we have lots of money and two houses.

now I’m renting we spent £80 K between us in legal fees - as he is a total and utter horror

honestly I don’t miss him at all but can you really not see why some women stay - if he isn’t cheating and is a good laugh and a lazy fucker - or a reasonable dad - I can see why.

Because it’s the lesser of two evils.

I'm wondering why men are making it to adulthood and not know how to take care of themselves as in cooking and cleaning?

honestly I don’t miss him at all but can you really not see why some women stay - if he isn’t cheating and is a good laugh and a lazy fucker - or a reasonable dad - I can see why.

Really can't see why anyone would stay with a lazy fucker. Some women need to raise their bar.

Because lazy fuckers don’t usually step up after you break up with them so sometimes it IS easier to stay!

This.
Also if the men are that crap if you split up then they might not bother seeing their kids at all, and its really easy to say well the kids are better off without them then blah blah blah but the reality of that is really hard to accept..thinking about having to explain to your kids when they ask that their dad didn't bother with them is really sad

Very few of us grew up in homes where things were split equally (or where most things were joint responsibilities). I'd call myself a feminist and even I was shocked when I was young and first went round to a friend's house: her male partner was in the kitchen cooking the dinner and we were just called when it was ready. Shocked in a good way but I'd never seen it done before. The opposite situation wouldn't have caused me any surprise at all.

These expectations creep in everywhere even when you don't know they're there and trying to counteract these patterns has to happen on purpose - usually driven by the woman - unless you land on the rare man who actively participates in all house stuff. My partner now is a paragon and does more stuff than me - but maybe that's just my perception and actually we're about equal but I see it as unbalanced because my ideal of normal is actually more like 60/40 female/male.

👏👏👏

I think its kids and the fear that it will be even harder if you leave.

@mavismorpoth

perhaps I'm lazy but I feel I've done my time and domestic servitude is actually quite nice... for me anyway.

I can understand the yearning for domesticity. I love cooking and I cook far better than my boyfriend so happy to do most of that.

But don't you just feel incredibly resentful endlessly cleaning up after other people? If I was going to do that I'd rather just do it for myself rather than have to clean up after another able-bodied adult. I wouldn't be able to respect someone who expected to have that dynamic, let alone be intimate with them.

@missmamiecuddleduck I'm wondering why men are making it to adulthood and not know how to take care of themselves as in cooking and cleaning?

I blame their mothers for mollycoddling them.
Dons tin hat and retires....😎

Many reasons, as pp's have already listed. My Aunt was the same and I recall her nagging on & on about it. After 30 years her H left her for another woman anyway - and the other woman also did everything for him.

I guess some women are just very man-focused and definitely for some women just starting out in their relationship, they do everything for the man as proof they're 'wife material'. Then when they realise the burden theyve taken on it feels too late to change, especially if DCs have arrived.

Those silly pages on FB etc that put up 'Can you cook?/Do women even cook & clean nowadays?' posts always get loads of replies from women rushing to wax lyrical on their cooking and cleaning skills. Auditioning for randoms.

I've always been wary of men whose parents(s) do everything for them. & I have zero respect for lazy men. They're slobs, I dont care how good they may look, they're more trouble and stress than they're worth. Life's too short to let a man knacker you out

Some women (I hope a small minority) are patronising & infantilising of their male partners by constantly assuming that they won't "get it right" - I suppose this is the martyr syndrome. Anybody who expects their house to be "spotless" (ghastly word) is on a hiding to nothing, and shouldn't be surprised if nobody else is prepared to tolerate their excessive demands.
And this is sad, because I am a woman who doesn't want to see anyone chained to the kitchen sink. But, come on folks, just drop your standards to an acceptable level - kitchens do not need to be cleaned every day, let alone multiple times! "Good enough" really is good enough.

You have to look at what else they bring to the table. A lot of people are with partners who are useless career wise and barely earn more than £30k, if even that. Especially with the current cost of living issues, that doesn't lead to a particularly high quality of life. Being with someone who actually earns a proper salary and enables a good lifestyle is a lot more important than whether they do the dishes, and its not like having a regular cleaner cosst that much anyway.

Because i cant afford to leave. The Council say I have no hope of being housed if i leave as i would be intentionally making us homeless and should wait to be evicted then ask for help. There is hardly any accommodation available anyway. I cannot find or afford anywhere to rent with 3 kids and 2 dogs and have no family support. My partner is controlling and verbally abusive amd i am scared of him but so far not violent. We cannot avail of shelters because i have a 17 year old still in full time education and he would not be allowed to stay with us. I will not split us up. Staying and keeping a roof over the kids head and enabling them to continue at the schools they are so happy at and with their friends who are the only family they have as otherwise they lose their home, schools and friends and have to deal with the fall out from their father.

@Whowhatwherewhenwhy1

Sorry to hear this, it sounds unbelievably hard.

Because their parents don’t expect it of them growing up. As I grew up, I was given an increasing (although still pretty small) list of tasks I was responsible for. Tidying my bedroom, setting the table for dinner and so on. My brothers just weren’t. I don’t remember a single time they ever did anything around the house, and I don’t remember any discussion or arguments about why they didn’t. But it was expected of me, and it was also the first question I was asked if I’d visited someone else- did you help? In fact I remember being asked that when I was about 35!

I think like a pp said, a lot probably starts on maternity leave, especially if you have a baby which naps a lot.
It makes sense for the partner at home (usually the woman as shared parental leave is still quite rare) to do the majority of the housework and cooking etc.
Then they go back to work, but they've spent a year or so getting into those habits where they do the majority so they carry on.

i think one thing we all need to do is stop calling it 'help'.
Cooking, cleaning, childcare are both equally the responsibility of both parties.

The man isn't 'helping' if he loads the dishwasher or cooks dinner because it's not the woman's job.

I think if we changed the language we use then we might start to change attitudes.

So it's not that he doesn't help - it's that he doesn't pull his weight.
He's not babysitting - he's taking care of his children.

As to why women don't leave - low expectations of men, lack of money, feeling like any man is better than no man and fear of the unknown to name a few.

Also, there’s a lot more tolerance of single men living like teenagers in squalor- it’s indulged and expected. Single women, not so much. So they go into cohabiting arrangements with entirely different expectations and standards.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1
Because i cant afford to leave. The Council say I have no hope of being housed if i leave as i would be intentionally making us homeless and should wait to be evicted then ask for help. There is hardly any accommodation available anyway. I cannot find or afford anywhere to rent with 3 kids and 2 dogs and have no family support. My partner is controlling and verbally abusive amd i am scared of him but so far not violent

The Council have misinformed you, which is truly disgusting of them. & abuse does not have to be physical, to count. Verbal and emotional abuse, IS abuse.

If any of your children are under 18 you'd be in priority housing need anyway. Particularly where the Housing Act overlaps the Childrens Act.

Its unfortunate some Council staff really do try it on if they can see you're not aware of your rights. Lazy. & they shouldnt even be making an intentionally homeless judgement/decision on the spot anyway. Thats a Casework decision. If that went to Judicial Review it'd be turned over immediately. Asking to see a Manager is always best.

Anyway perhaps you find it easier to stay. If so, hope you're safe and remember, you dont have to wait until youre physically assaulted as some kind of proof of housing need.

Being with someone who actually earns a proper salary and enables a good lifestyle is a lot more important than whether they do the dishes, and its not like having a regular cleaner cosst that much anyway.

Why on earth shouldn't women expect to be able earn enough in their own right to support themselves though? Why the need for reliance on a man for money?