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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by this 1am call

28 replies

memorial · 04/09/2022 10:18

DD1 is almost 21 at uni about 4hrs away. Gone back early to move into new house.
Is a real party girl but mostly sensible.
Went out last night with her friends.
Call from her 1am (for context I am a night owl so she knows i would likely still be up).
However of course I panic thinking something has happened.
She is very drunk and seems to have had an argument with her friends (over something completely ridiculous) and walked off by herself.
She is now alone, drunk, at 1am in not the safest city.
I tell her to stop being an idiot and go back to her friends. She knows better has been drummed into her since a teen to never go off alone or let anyone else do so.
Luckily her friends are all lovely and sensible and went to find her. She sends me a pic of them all safe in their house about half hour later.
She knows I worry because she is out and drinks a lot and as all 20yr olds feels invincible.
Of course i didn't sleep well and am still annoyed this morning.

OP posts:
Work2live · 04/09/2022 10:26

She probably felt vulnerable being on her own at night and wanted to hear your voice.

These silly arguments happen on nights out when people have been drinking, it’s not ideal but it happens!

This is the sort of thing I would’ve done if I was that age and found myself alone in a city far from home. I’d ring my mum just so I had someone to talk to so I wasn’t on my own.

VickyEadieofThigh · 04/09/2022 10:30

It's mildly annoying but I'm sure you're glad to know she will call you if in a spot of minor bother.

saoirse31 · 04/09/2022 10:31

Would you rather she didn't call you?

BrutusMcDogface · 04/09/2022 10:32

I wouldn’t feel annoyed. I’d be glad she’d called me if she needed to talk to me.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/09/2022 10:33

It's good she feels she can call you surely?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 04/09/2022 10:34

I'd rather she call me if she were my daughter

DowntonCrabby · 04/09/2022 10:36

I’d rather she called 100% even just for the reassurance. I get why you’re annoyed though, you’re worrying and miles away.

Blueberrywitch · 04/09/2022 10:37

I wouldn’t be annoyed either, be glad she called you! And she let you know she was safe. As you say, she didn’t even wake you up as you were already awake.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/09/2022 10:40

Speaking as the mother of a DD who was seriously assaulted in this exact situation YABU to be annoyed. I wish my DD had phoned me. I've always said to both of my DDs to call me, whenever, for whatever reason if they feel scared or worried or vulnerable and I will try and help, no questions asked, no annoyance. I am a million miles away from being a molly coddling mom but that has always seemed like a base line bit of parenting to me.

The thought of you being annoyed with her for phoning you - and still being annoyed now - when she felt she needed to hear her mom's voice has actually upset me. Tell her she can ring me if she's ever in that situation,

neverbeenskiing · 04/09/2022 10:45

I think it's great that your DD felt she could call you, not everyone has that sort of relationship with their Mum. It means you've done a good job.

Sswhinesthebest · 04/09/2022 10:49

neverbeenskiing · 04/09/2022 10:45

I think it's great that your DD felt she could call you, not everyone has that sort of relationship with their Mum. It means you've done a good job.

This

Original poster
memorial · 04/09/2022 10:50

BitOutOfPractice · 04/09/2022 10:40

Speaking as the mother of a DD who was seriously assaulted in this exact situation YABU to be annoyed. I wish my DD had phoned me. I've always said to both of my DDs to call me, whenever, for whatever reason if they feel scared or worried or vulnerable and I will try and help, no questions asked, no annoyance. I am a million miles away from being a molly coddling mom but that has always seemed like a base line bit of parenting to me.

The thought of you being annoyed with her for phoning you - and still being annoyed now - when she felt she needed to hear her mom's voice has actually upset me. Tell her she can ring me if she's ever in that situation,

I'm so sorry for your daughter. That is exactly my worry (constantly). She is mostly sensible but has history of being an idiot and putting herself in dangerous situations.
I think I worded my OP poorly. I am annoyed by the situation she was in. When she really should know better.
We have a very good close relationship so she knows she can ring me any time.
I told her she was being an idiot and to go back to her friends straight away.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 04/09/2022 10:50

You are annoyed out of fear I would imagine.
You got a fright and felt very helpless being hours away.

In your situation I would tell her how dangerous it is to be so drunk and to leave her friends.

Stress to her AGAIN how important her personal security is.

Being sexually assault is a deeply traumatic event that often changes a person for ever.

Stress to her that you want her to do everything she can to prevent that happening to her.

Stress to her that some men actively prey on drunk women and she is placing a target on her back.

That's all you can do.

It is a shit world we live in.

I might add, I also say the same to my son's to be very careful being out at night, pissed and on their own.

They know to always jump in a taxi which is linked to my credit card, if they need to.

I would much rather they call me, whatever the hour.

Original poster
memorial · 04/09/2022 10:53

That's pretty much what I said. I also said if she couldn't find them to get an uber and go home she has money but knows I would pay for it if she didn't.
Luckily her friends were sensible and went to find her.
Of course it is worry and fear. We are close and she knows she can ring anytime!
I won't even say how ridiculous the argument was and how drunk she was!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 04/09/2022 10:53

@memorial well that's a bit different from your OP. My DD compounded the getting separated thing by her phone running out of charge. If she'd phoned me I could have helped her. Don't be annoyed with her - I know that I have done some far far sillier things than she did and was lucky enough not to suffer any bad consequences.

Electriq · 04/09/2022 10:57

Why are you annoyed?

My phone is and will be open to my children always and forever, drunk or not!

You are her safe person, and she chose you in a stressful (even if alcohol induced) situation, don't push her away and make that awkward if she ever needs you again.

Your right to be annoyed she keeps getting herself in these situations though.

Original poster
memorial · 04/09/2022 11:01

BitOutOfPractice · 04/09/2022 10:53

@memorial well that's a bit different from your OP. My DD compounded the getting separated thing by her phone running out of charge. If she'd phoned me I could have helped her. Don't be annoyed with her - I know that I have done some far far sillier things than she did and was lucky enough not to suffer any bad consequences.

I am so so sorry for your daughter. They feel invincible at that age. And yes compounded by knowing what an idiot I was (though I think she is more than I was). And knowing it can so easily happen.
I was annoyed at the situation and the call was the easiest way of describing it.
So more annoyed she was in that situation and called to tell me. More than that she actually called if that makes sense.
I am still annoyed though, she is sleeping soundly in her house and i am still worrying. As I know because I insist her location being on for me all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
memorial · 04/09/2022 11:03

Electriq · 04/09/2022 10:57

Why are you annoyed?

My phone is and will be open to my children always and forever, drunk or not!

You are her safe person, and she chose you in a stressful (even if alcohol induced) situation, don't push her away and make that awkward if she ever needs you again.

Your right to be annoyed she keeps getting herself in these situations though.

Annoyed she was in that situation. She knows she can call whenever. She knows I may be annoyed and cross but will always be there.
We have a good close relationship no pushing away it's OK 😁

OP posts:
balalake · 04/09/2022 11:05

@billy1966 has it spot on. Suggest that sometime this week you speak to her again. Whilst it is galling that the justice system is so inadequate that women are not protected so that men think they can get away with assaulting women or worse, you do need to talk to her about personal security.

The level of alcohol your DD is consuming seems to be excessive, and at the very least is more likely to lead to the kind of falling out you describe.

Original poster
memorial · 04/09/2022 11:11

balalake · 04/09/2022 11:05

@billy1966 has it spot on. Suggest that sometime this week you speak to her again. Whilst it is galling that the justice system is so inadequate that women are not protected so that men think they can get away with assaulting women or worse, you do need to talk to her about personal security.

The level of alcohol your DD is consuming seems to be excessive, and at the very least is more likely to lead to the kind of falling out you describe.

Yep she was supposed to tone it down this year....

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 04/09/2022 11:27

I'd be thankful she felt she could call you when feeling vulnerable and in need of a bit of comfort and direction.
My son once called me (he was 17) because he and a mate and two girls (not his gf - he wasn't interested but she was keen) had gone for a walk and the others wanted to stay out all night but he felt uncomfortable but needed the others to think I had told him he needed to come home. He didn't know where ho was but me telling him to do X was what he needed to hear.
I don't understand why you were annoyed - because you feel she should have handled the situation herself? You never stop being her mum, and sometimes a sensible word is all she needs to hear, be she 18, 25, or 35.

vjg13 · 04/09/2022 11:28

@memorial I feel your pain and have one of these too! I have my phone on a setting so her texts are never silenced even when my phone is on do not disturb.

Let's hope they get it their systems soon and we can try to relax.

vjg13 · 04/09/2022 11:28

"Out of their systems" even!

PinkiOcelot · 04/09/2022 11:34

I would feel annoyed if she didn’t call me tbh.

Septemberslooming · 04/09/2022 11:53

I used to volunteer on an SOS bus and frequently had to contact parents to collect young people. The difference in the parents was untrue, they went from pent up fury types to empathetic understanding parents. The anger exhibited towards us for contacting them was untrue and this was in a city where there had been one punch deaths, numerous sexual assaults etc.
I'd be delighted that she trusted you enough to make contact.