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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling violated. What would you do?

64 replies

ShouldIstayorshouldIgonoww · 21/08/2022 00:37

The Man I have been seeing has cctv to the front and rear of his house. He was showing me it on his phone as it links to his phone and he can view it wherever he is. We were in the house when he showed me. He scrolled through this app that links to it and all of a sudden a view of me and him live sat in the living room. He has a small well hidden camera in the top left of his living room, pointing to the sofa.

This would creep me out in itself but more so that we had sex in the living room with the cctv recording and I’m sure he can save them to his phone? Not sure on that one but this has concerned me. I had no idea the camera was there. He said that the camera wasn’t currently on or recording but I moved to take a sip of my coffee and I also moved on the phone screen view of the cctv so it was clearly on.

he claims he has it on during the day whilst he is at work so he can check up on his dog. I feel concerned that he now has recordings of me

OP posts:
Mumspair1 · 21/08/2022 00:41

Yanbu, he kept it secret while you had sex in the living room. That is a massive invasion of your privacy.

badbaduncle · 21/08/2022 00:44

Have you confronted him with this?

butterflied · 21/08/2022 00:44

That's creepy.

Ponoka7 · 21/08/2022 00:49

He should be gaining the consent to be recorded before people enter his house. It says a lot about what he thinks of personal boundaries. You've been recorded having sex, it's your right to ask to check and for it to be deleted. This would be a deal breaker for me. I value trust and respect.

Original poster
ShouldIstayorshouldIgonoww · 21/08/2022 00:53

Yes I feel very creeped out about it and I am wondering if he has it stored on his phone now. I didn’t comfort him but I wish I had. When I moved and it showed on the screen, he quickly shut the app down and didn’t say anything else about it

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIstayorshouldIgonoww · 21/08/2022 00:56

I’m pretty certain he will have it stored as there must be a storage file on the app to save recordings too. I feel like he doesn’t value my feelings or have any respect for me to do that without my consent

OP posts:
OovoofWelcome · 21/08/2022 01:03

Ugh what a fucking creep. Immediately dump.

It’s clear he was lying about it not being active.

Tell him to delete all videos where you feature and end it.

Suprima · 21/08/2022 01:07

ShouldIstayorshouldIgonoww · 21/08/2022 00:56

I’m pretty certain he will have it stored as there must be a storage file on the app to save recordings too. I feel like he doesn’t value my feelings or have any respect for me to do that without my consent

It will definitely be stored. Was it nest?

if he tells you it’s not, he is lying.

someone with better legal advice will be along soon, but considering how he is lying to you and being vague- this potential relationship is doomed. I would be taking all action to get them deleted.

you are a fool if you keep seeing this man. He would have known full well about the cameras whilst you were having sex.

Original poster
ShouldIstayorshouldIgonoww · 21/08/2022 01:20

Thank you. I’m also worried that he could have shown someone or maybe uploaded it somewhere. I have no idea what he might do with the recordings. This wasn’t the first time I had been at his house either so there could be possibly more than the one video. I just had absolutely no idea there was a camera there until then

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIstayorshouldIgonoww · 21/08/2022 01:21

Does anybody know if recordings only last for a certain amount of time in storage or do they just stay there until you delete them?

OP posts:
londonlass71 · 21/08/2022 01:25

On my cameras they stay on until the memory card is full then the camera records over it when storage runs out. But I can still save clips onto my phone if I want for however long I want.

MarshaMelrose · 21/08/2022 01:30

We have cameras in and outside the house. The outside cameras record over every 24 hours.

The inside cameras are not fitted with storage. You have to put sd cards in. The SD card fills up and then records over itself. How long it takes depends on the size of the card and how much the camera is recording. Ours doesn't download to a laptop - it's on the SD card so you could just ask he give you that.

That must have been creepy for you and he might have done it to intentionally record you but I must say that I have had visitors in my house and forgotten to turn them off because I never really think about them anymore.

PawsAndReflection · 21/08/2022 01:48

Yes dump, but also report!! This is appalling behaviour and trust me, there's no way he's not sharing this with other creeps on the internet.

Once it's there, it's impossible to delete. And what's to stop him doing it to other women??

Marvellousmadness · 21/08/2022 01:49

I have cc tv
You can save footage. To a hard drive. And keep it forever.
Tell him to delete the footage. Watch him do it!!!

mummalog · 21/08/2022 02:15

Tbf, I used to have a camera to keep tabs on the dog. I forgot it was there 99% of the time; that camera must have seen some shit Blush😂

But I can totally see why you feel the way you do.

sweeetpotato · 21/08/2022 02:17

I wonder whether you could contact the police (without telling/warning him).

Say you have reason to think you may have been recorded without consent and you are worried about repercussions or unauthorised use of intimate footage. Could his equipment be taken and checked?

I've no idea if this is possible or if they would act, but I'd want to know it had been fully deleted and couldn't be used or shared.

Then I'd dump him.

Velvetee · 21/08/2022 07:39

In law, you have an 'Expectation of Privacy' inside a home. I would sue him through a lawyer and report him to the police. He probably has done this to other women, as he seems practised. He has made his own porn using you, without consent. This could be downloaded to the internet. Anyone could save it forever, or continue posting to numerous websites.

Poppyblush · 21/08/2022 07:41

I’d take his laptop… pervert. Report to police.

Original poster
ShouldIstayorshouldIgonoww · 21/08/2022 09:00

Yes I can imagine he probably has to do it to other women too. The thing that confuses me is he tells me the dog stays in his crate during the day as that is his ‘safe space’ and his friend comes to walk him when he is at work. The crate was on the the same side of the room as the camera but the view of the camera was facing the sofa only at that point.

He may have not thought about the camera being there but I do feel uneasy that he now has footage. Also he showed me the cctv app not long after the sex so it must have crossed his mind that he now had footage and the fact he lied and said it wasn’t on makes me feel creeped out

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIstayorshouldIgonoww · 21/08/2022 09:00

Sorry that meant to say *has done it to other women too.

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 21/08/2022 09:05

You have one shot to get this footage - either you try and look yourself with his permission (do you think he will let you?) and then delete and empty the recycle bin or if he doesn't cooperate go to the Police?

CornishGem1975 · 21/08/2022 09:06

Run.

PrettyPrim · 21/08/2022 09:08

That is absolutely gross. What a disgusting little creep. I would dump him.

mycatisannoying · 21/08/2022 09:10

What a creep.

Mysteryuser · 21/08/2022 09:15

As a PP said, you do forget it's there. We have it outside only, but I do forget about it. Ours is only available on phones for 24 hours and on a hard drive for two weeks.