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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling violated. What would you do?

64 replies

ShouldIstayorshouldIgonoww · 21/08/2022 00:37

The Man I have been seeing has cctv to the front and rear of his house. He was showing me it on his phone as it links to his phone and he can view it wherever he is. We were in the house when he showed me. He scrolled through this app that links to it and all of a sudden a view of me and him live sat in the living room. He has a small well hidden camera in the top left of his living room, pointing to the sofa.

This would creep me out in itself but more so that we had sex in the living room with the cctv recording and I’m sure he can save them to his phone? Not sure on that one but this has concerned me. I had no idea the camera was there. He said that the camera wasn’t currently on or recording but I moved to take a sip of my coffee and I also moved on the phone screen view of the cctv so it was clearly on.

he claims he has it on during the day whilst he is at work so he can check up on his dog. I feel concerned that he now has recordings of me

OP posts:

PlentyMorePebbles · 21/08/2022 09:17

Are you 100 sure the camera was on? Have you asked him?

If so, this is a massive red flag and I would also report him to the police.

bloodywhitecat · 21/08/2022 09:20

The camera was on but it might not be set to record. We have indoor cameras that don't record unless we put an SD card in them. I also forget they are there.

caulescens · 21/08/2022 09:23

YANBU
We've got cameras like this. We did have them in the house (one we did use to check up on what the dog was doing) but after about a month, I decided I absolutely hated them. DH regularly travels for work and I found it a massive invasion of privacy that he could 'spy' on me (who knows who also watching with him) whilst I was in three areas of the house. The internal ones are now in a drawer. DH is just into this kind of stuff (gadgets) and he couldn't really understand my issue with them - I explained.
I honestly think if these had been around twenty years ago, at the start of our relationship DH would've forgot to mention it/turn it off. Whether we would still be together now upon discovering it is a different matter. I would be extremely upset and annoyed in your position now OP and definitely be asking a lot of questions.

Teardroprain · 21/08/2022 09:23

He is a creep. Get rid and report. They probably wont do anything but at least it is reported and if he does share footage at a later date you have proof you did not agree to being filmed. It is possible he did not think about the camera. His reaction to you being upset now is what I would judge him on.

My cctv stores on the cloud for 3 days unless I manually save it. If I pay for the storage it will save automatically for the year. Which I don't bother doing anymore.

Zezet · 21/08/2022 09:33

Report and gather advice before you dump.

Making a scene first only allows him to copy/secure any footage he has of you and there's no way the justice system will address that adequately.

But if the police have a chat with him before he is forewarned, they might get him to delete the (hopefully only) SD-card then and there. They can make him in a way you obviously can't.

He's a creep and he needs to be at the very least warned off. (Not yelled at by an angry woman he's already shown to not respect.)

How unbelievably shitty.

Aprilx · 21/08/2022 09:33

MarshaMelrose · 21/08/2022 01:30

We have cameras in and outside the house. The outside cameras record over every 24 hours.

The inside cameras are not fitted with storage. You have to put sd cards in. The SD card fills up and then records over itself. How long it takes depends on the size of the card and how much the camera is recording. Ours doesn't download to a laptop - it's on the SD card so you could just ask he give you that.

That must have been creepy for you and he might have done it to intentionally record you but I must say that I have had visitors in my house and forgotten to turn them off because I never really think about them anymore.

Are you actually trying to justify this or am I misunderstanding your point? Do you not think you should rethink your own unacceptable recording of visitors.

Liz1tummypain · 21/08/2022 09:38

Yuck! You need to ask him why he didn’t warn you before or even during the sex. How could he say he forgot it? That’s unlikely/ implausible/a lie. I’d want to see his face as he answers the question. It should help you decide what to do. Best wishes

Lockheart · 21/08/2022 09:39

In general, cameras which cover only the owners property (i.e. inside their house) do not come under the data protection laws and therefore OP you have no recourse under that avenue.

However, if he has filmed you having sex then he might have committed an offence of voyeurism.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/law/2020/jan/28/filming-partner-without-their-consent-during-sex-ruled-a-criminal-offence

In the first instance I would speak to the non-emergency police.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 21/08/2022 09:40

I would be straight to the police if it were me.

You have been filmed without consent. I would be concern it may end up circulated or on an amateur porn site. I'm probably being ott but I wouldn't take a chance.

What a lousy creep

Pixiedust1234 · 21/08/2022 09:41

Contact the police as I'm sure this is a crime. At the very least they can ensure any footage of you is deleted.

Then dump him, he's not a nice person.

Minimalme · 21/08/2022 09:45

He has purposefully recording you having sex.

The camera is pointed at the sofa. He showed you the camera to test how you felt about it and how far he could push your boundaries.

He will 100% know how to download the footage from the SD card onto his laptop. He will either keep it for his own gratification or share it.

It has committed a crime. Don't alert him to you suspicions (don't ask him to delete he is a liar).

Go straight to the Police.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Lockheart · 21/08/2022 09:48

Minimalme · 21/08/2022 09:45

He has purposefully recording you having sex.

The camera is pointed at the sofa. He showed you the camera to test how you felt about it and how far he could push your boundaries.

He will 100% know how to download the footage from the SD card onto his laptop. He will either keep it for his own gratification or share it.

It has committed a crime. Don't alert him to you suspicions (don't ask him to delete he is a liar).

Go straight to the Police.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

With respect, we don't know that the OP was recorded, we don't know that it was purposeful, and whether is is a crime continues to be a grey area. It might come.under voyeurism, but this is a new and developing area of law still being tested in the courts.

OP should absolutely speak to the police, however.

SunnyD44 · 21/08/2022 09:50

Lots of people have cameras on their front rooms and it’s easy to forget they are there, especially when you’re about to have sex.

But you feel uncomfortable so you need to end the relationship and tell him to delete any recordings he has of you else you will go to the police.

I don’t think you can actually prove he’s got it/ deleted it or of the police would go through his phone but by ending the relationship and threatening police action should be enough to scare him.

Chasingclouds100 · 21/08/2022 09:53

It could just be innocent - I’m by no way saying it is ok but we have these cameras - one on the front door, one on the back garden and one on in the kitchen by the back door. They are on a schedule so will come on at night time or we can set them when we go out. The kitchen one is a pain as I forget it is there and always records me finding a late night naughty snack!

TeeBee · 21/08/2022 09:56

Who instigated sex on the sofa? Him perchance?

BoffinMum · 21/08/2022 09:57

I would ask him outright whether he had recorded me having sex with him. I would say that honesty is very important in a relationship and I felt I needed to know. I would not give away much else at that stage.

If he denied it, I would say that he needed to demonstrate why I should believe him. I would play him along a bit while doing this so he felt able to tell me a lot about his system.

If he said he had, I would ask him to delete it as it would put me right off moving forwards knowing he had done that. Again, I would play him along to learn more about the system.

I would then sneakily check the SD card situation behind his back and potentially sabotage his security system invisibly before gently dumping him in a way that wouldn’t make him too suspicious they were linked.

PatsyJStone · 21/08/2022 10:02

I have a camera for checking on my dog when I'm out. I forget about it most of the time when I don't check on him. Which means I never switch it off. It's in clear view of visitors.

He will be well aware of how to save footage whether he has a storage card or not.

I would be very concerned, unless you feel a deep happy comfortable connection and possible long term future with this man then I'd end it now. Whether you call the police for advice or not, I'd tell him you are concerned he may have recorded and saved you. I'd say you are going to get advice from the police and would like him to make sure he deletes and does not make any viewings of any footage featuring you.
He may well deny keeping footage but make it clear your expectations irrespective of his denials.

roarfeckingroarr · 21/08/2022 10:10

His reaction is the worst part here. If he had said something like "oh goodness, let me make sure it didn't record us... here you go... it didn't / let's delete it now" that's one thing. He's shifty as hell too.

Charlize43 · 21/08/2022 10:13

Check to see how many likes you have on Pornhub.

I assume you are no longer seeing this man? You have every right to feel violated.

BeggarsMeddle · 21/08/2022 10:16

I would go to the police and I would not give him any advance warning. His behaviour is as shifty as shifty gets. His hasty actions when you got a glimpse of the view of the sofa would be enough to make me believe that he does have you and him recorded.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 21/08/2022 10:18

A friend has some inside her house-I feel her DH is controlling and watches her when not home-on occasions when I have been there, he has called and said say Hi to Mrs Mikaelson!🤬

BuildersTeaMaker · 21/08/2022 10:28

Talk to the police first. Don’t confront or escalate with him in meantime
if he gets wind you’re reporting he’ll delete

if he has recorded you having sexual it’s likely he has with others and that he’s uploaded to sites in public domain

he will be charged with a criminal offence of voyeurism if police confirm. This has been a crime since2020. That’s what you should report to police to say you think you may have been a victim of this.

Original poster

ShouldIstayorshouldIgonoww · 21/08/2022 10:29

Yes he instigated it and from where we were sat on the sofa the camera had a clear view. I have no idea if he just forgot it but it was definitely shifty after and it was like he was trying toa point it out to me afterwards to see how I would react. If he had forgotten about it I don’t think he would have opened the app and showed me

OP posts:

Original poster

ShouldIstayorshouldIgonoww · 21/08/2022 10:30

I think he realised from my face that I felt weirded out about it so he just said oh it wasn’t recording but because I moved on the screen when I took a sip of my coffee, it made me think it was recording. He clearly shut the app down when I did that

OP posts:

Original poster

ShouldIstayorshouldIgonoww · 21/08/2022 10:32

Quickly shut the app down and didn’t mention it again*

OP posts:

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