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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that to have 2 or more kids you need to have a great relationship, a good support network, and (relatively) 'easy' kids?

105 replies

Greenginghamdress · 09/08/2022 22:12

...Or all three!

I have none of the above unfortunately. I'm doing lots of soul searching about whether to have a 2nd child or not (I have one DD of 4). I'm scared of regretting not when I am too old.
I have read a lot of mumsnet threads! Such a hard decision.
Relationship has struggled since DD and my partner is lazy. My family aren't interested in DD much at all (my partners are but we've had difficulties with falling out etc) and DD is a constantly on the go child who doesn't sleep much.
I can't rid of the nagging broody feeling though!
People ask me about it all the time; colleagues, friends, acquaintances, my boss! It's hard to know what to say. I go from really wanting another baby to a definite no 3 or 4 times a day! 🙈😂
Feel free to offer any words of advice; MNetters.

OP posts:
Sartre · 09/08/2022 22:13

I have 5 DC and I don’t know if they’re ‘easy’ children, maybe just been raised correctly so they’re decent humans! I don’t particularly struggle with them and we don’t have a huge support network at all.

Topgub · 09/08/2022 22:14

I wouldnt have kids with a lazy oh

Dotcheck · 09/08/2022 22:15

Two kids, no support network, marriage ended.

Have the second child- you’ll manage

SoftwareDev · 09/08/2022 22:16

I have two with an amazing partner but no other regular support network.

I do feel having two has been good for both of them in terms of learning that the world does not revolve around them! It has forced them both to develop skills such as compromise. They are only 2 years apart,

If I had ANY doubts about my partner there is no way I would have further children with them.

RandomMess · 09/08/2022 22:18

Have 4 DC, have a partner that always did his share but nothing else from your list. Plus little money for many years.

WimpoleHat · 09/08/2022 22:18

My experience was that two were harder for 18 months or so….but then much easier, as they played together and amused each other. My two do get on very well, though - and I know that I’m lucky and that you can’t guarantee that.

Discovereads · 09/08/2022 22:20

To say that to have 2 or more kids you need to have a great relationship, a good support network, and (relatively) 'easy' kids?
YABU to say that. That’s a wish list fantasy, not what you actually need to have 2 or more DC. But if you are genuinely thinking along these lines, perhaps you don’t really want any more DC are in a bit of denial or under pressure to have more? You don’t need an excuse to not have more DC. So, I’d advise really thinking deeply do you want any more DC? And if not, stand up for yourself.

Mally100 · 09/08/2022 22:33

Topgub · 09/08/2022 22:14

I wouldnt have kids with a lazy oh

This! Why would you? Your list criteria wouldn't need to exist if you had a useful partner who parented. In fact that should be the biggest reason not to have another one

Greentartanbow · 09/08/2022 22:34

Why on earth would you even contemplate having another child with a lazy DP?!

Please don’t do it, the world’s overpopulated enough and you only have to read on here all the women who struggle once they have more than one child to know having 2 isn’t a walk in the park, and that’s without taking into account a lazy partner.

drpet49 · 09/08/2022 22:37

“Why would you? Your list criteria wouldn't need to exist if you had a useful partner who parented. In fact that should be the biggest reason not to have another one”

^I agree. Why bring another child into this failing relationship. So irresponsible and selfish.

PurplePansy05 · 09/08/2022 22:38

I hear you, OP. I'm in a very similar boat. Watching this thread with interest.

Googlecanthelpme · 09/08/2022 22:41

I have great relationship with a respectful, hard working and equal parenting partner. But very little in the way of unpaid support - great nursery but obvs pay through the nose for it and it’s not like they do Fridays and Saturdays so we can go and have an adult night out!

Even so 2 is hard work, I do think my kids are easy as in they aren’t absolutely feral but they have their moments. They’re wild in a very good way - love to be outside, never sit still, so inquisitive etc. Great stuff but we never get any down time, we’re always tired and I don’t know how much I’d enjoy this if I didn’t have a good person to co parent with.

If you want another child and it will enhance your life then go for it but maybe set your expectations low - me and my partner celebrate one or two full nights sleep a week. We don’t expect to get anything more, one is a blessing, two is a miracle.
Days out we always expect some sort of melt down or “event” (Someone falling into a puddle / shitting their pants / injuring themselves etc) and if we get through a day without it, then we’re winning.

Rotherweird · 09/08/2022 22:44

As somebody who also had a lazy DP, now ex-DP, I can tell you that IME it is a million times easier being a single parent with one child. You don't need a big house, you only have one set of expenses, holidays are more affordable, and the one child-one parent dynamic is delightful. I can afford to work part-time and still have enough money for extra-curricular activities and treats. It is also easier co-parenting with an ex when you only have one child (fewer issues to resolve). Although I would have loved to have more children, I've come to the conclusion that it is a good thing I didn't and I love my life as the single parent of one.

Sceptre86 · 09/08/2022 22:47

From reading your intital op I wouldn't in your case. My first two were not good sleepers, we have no family support and it was hard but we clubbed together as a team and shared the load
Our third child is an easy baby if such a thing exists, she is clingy but sleeps. I wouldn't have had more than one child had my dh not been an equal partner. I work part time and have a good work life balance. Our family life is busy but I never feel resentful towards my dh as he is always willing to do his fair share.

Wouldloveanother · 09/08/2022 22:50

Topgub · 09/08/2022 22:14

I wouldnt have kids with a lazy oh

Yeah I knew this would be one of the first answers, but to be honest if I was OP, I would see the value in my child having a full blood sibling IF I felt able to pick up the slack.

GrouchyKiwi · 09/08/2022 22:51

We have three. My husband is an excellent father who does his part. We don't have much of a support network (my family is in NZ, his is in the south of England, we're in Scotland). My three are not easy children (what are they?).

In your situation I absolutely would not have more. A lazy partner makes life far too difficult. He needs to step up.

Hunkydory99 · 09/08/2022 22:52

I have a 4.5 year age gap and it’s very hard. The oldest obviously used to being an only child and personally going back to the baby years once you’re out of them is tough. Oldest can ‘help’ to a certain degree but there’s also a lot of resentment/jealousy we have to work through. I don’t regret my son but I do wish I’d had him sooner. By the time he’s able to ‘play’ my oldest likely won’t be interested.

Endlesslaundry123 · 09/08/2022 22:52

I have a 5 week old and a 3 week old. My DH is amazing and I have good friends supporting me. I am finding it extremely difficult to cope...my newborn is very demanding and I feel like I'm constantly having to abandon my firstborn at all hours due to baby screaming inconsolably (and

Wouldloveanother · 09/08/2022 22:53

Endlesslaundry123 · 09/08/2022 22:52

I have a 5 week old and a 3 week old. My DH is amazing and I have good friends supporting me. I am finding it extremely difficult to cope...my newborn is very demanding and I feel like I'm constantly having to abandon my firstborn at all hours due to baby screaming inconsolably (and

Smallest gap ever that 😉

Fairislefandango · 09/08/2022 22:55

YABU. What you need is a partner who's not lazy.

Endlesslaundry123 · 09/08/2022 22:56

(sorry posted too soon) DH unable to soothe him for long). I am told it gets easier but it is very very hard at first (depending on your baby's temperament and willingness to sleep etc.). Be sure you have the support in place before you take the leap. But if you don't, you'll get through the baby days like everyone does, but it probably won't be fun or pretty.

Endlesslaundry123 · 09/08/2022 22:57

@Wouldloveanother ack!! Haha 5 week old and 3 year old 🙈😆

Eek3under3 · 09/08/2022 22:59

I’ve just had dc3 (5 days old). DH is amazing but we have no local support network and DTs can be hard work. DT1 doesn’t sleep through the night yet…

Original poster
Greenginghamdress · 09/08/2022 23:19

Thanks everyone.

@PurplePansy05 Sorry to hear you are in a similar boat. Hope we find peace with our decisions.

@Hunkydory99 Flowers Hope things improve for you! I can imagine going back to baby years is tough. My DD is 4.5, so even if I did conceive there would be at least a 5.5 year gap. I worry this is too much. Although I do know friends with gaps, some of 10 years, who have loved it and the kids are (surprisingly?) close. Are your children the same gender or different?

OP posts:
smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 09/08/2022 23:23

I have 3 aged 7, 5 and 4. Eldest has special needs and is hard work. Im a sahm because i had to give up work because of my eldests needs and DP works 6 days a week to pay the bills. My mum is great but works full time so on a day to day basis i dont have support.

Its hard work but i wouldnt change it