To think even P/T work with small kids is impossible??

[LowryLowry]

I have an almost 1 year old and an almost 3 year old and have been a SAHM for the last couple of years. I've been vaguely looking out for p/t jobs and have been offered an interview for one which is 21hrs per week. Good job, in the field I want, with prospects. I've been trying to work out logistics and it just seems impossible. There'd be a 1hr commute each way. So, say I worked three days a week, 8-4, and DH dropped them off and I picked them up, that still just seems like an insanely long day for them. Then I'd literally just be picking them up, chucking some food into them and putting them to bed, then repeating for another two days. Is this just the norm? Then there's the probability of them being ill, DH going on work trips (not a regular thing, but reasonably frequent) Is it worth it?? I love spending time with my kids, but find the monotony and physical exhaustion quite hard at times. I feel a bit lost and would love to have 2 or 3 days a week to do something just for me. To not feel reliant on DH. To not feel like my career will never recover. To use my brain! But it just feels like the world of work isn't set up for people with kids, and that even working p/t would add a massive amount of stress to our lives. Anyone have any thoughts / advice / wisdom?

[EinsteinaGogo]

Go for your interview and do your absolute best.


Your children will thrive in childcare. The hours you've said are absolutely fine and totally doable.

All parents have problems with juggling sickness etc. Accept that that will be a challenge.

Keeping up your career and marketability is INVALUABLE. Don't let that go.

[Classicblunder]

@Tamzo85 I think different people find different things stressful. We both work 4 days a week and have no family support at all. It is busy, yes, and does involve a lot of conversations about who can do which pick up/drop off.

But I would find being a SAHM much more stressful because I don't enjoy looking after small children 24/7, juggling house chores, not having additional money to throw at problems. More fundamentally my DH and I are a happier couple sharing work and domestic responsibilities.

It's not for everyone but I genuinely do not find working with young children harder or more stressful than staying at home

[noborisno]

If you have to go back to work that's one thing. If you don't and you want to be at home and on hand for your children, do it. You never get that time back.

[EinsteinaGogo]

Honestly - this lack of paragraphs is making it so hard to use the site. Sorry OP, I'd love to give insight and support but I can't do it!

[noborisno]

@PrawnToast5

To not feel reliant on DH

Your DH is very reliant on you right now though.

This is how families work. The members complement one another to form the family unit.

[noborisno]

@EinsteinaGogo

Honestly - this lack of paragraphs is making it so hard to use the site. Sorry OP, I'd love to give insight and support but I can't do it!

Instead of typing that you could have copied and pasted the paragraph into Word and separated it out.

[Crayfishforyou]

Yanbu OP.
it sucks. It IS a long day for them. But it is only 3 days a week and you will adjust.
I stuck it out for a bit and then was a SAHM until dd was big enough for nursery. We didn’t lose that much money as the childcare costs were similar to my wage anyway, so for us it made little difference.
It was easier when she was a bit bigger.
we had no family support either, the whole thing was a stressful juggling act.
I changed career path afterwards as well and started again. I am much much happier now.

[noborisno]

@Matchingcollarandcuffs

Err what do you think millions of families with both parents working do, that's exactly like it is.

We have 3 all born in under 3.5 years, so would drop widest at breakfast club at 7-45 then onto nursery and then hour commute to be in office for 9-15.

I'd have left at 6-30 to work 8-4, then hour and a quarter commute to get to nursery for 5-15, then onto school to pick up from after school club about 5-30 then home just before 6.

Quick bite to eat, read books, watch TV, get next days clothes ready then bath, story bed. One of us doing the kids whilst the other cooks our tea. We'd eat 8ish then I would invariably fall asleep.

For the first 6 months of them starting nursery we had no block longer than 2 weeks before someone would be ill. Which inevitably we would then get as so worn down.

All my friends who worked did exactly the same, there's no way we it they could have afforded for one of us to give up work. And now the kids are all teenagers and relatively self sufficient I'm glad we didn't

They're miserable, complain all the time that they are not appreciated in their relationship, move stress onto the children, and hate their lives and if they could give it all up they would, and run an animal sanctuary.

[angstridden2]

The reality these days is that most families need more than one person’s income to have an enjoyable life, not to just survive. The other reality is that a high percentage of marriages fail and women with no income of their own are very vulnerable. Most women make it work, and a pt job is a very good compromise unless you are a high earner and can afford to pay for full time childcare and cleaners etc. The OP seems to think women should be able to work but not to put their child in care of any sort and I really can’t see how that can happen.

Note: I am an old woman but I am certainly not bitter and think women should be able to work ft,pt or be SAHMs depending on their financial position and/or inclination.

[EinsteinaGogo]

@noborisno

You're kidding, right? On a site that I pay a monthly fee to use????

[artisanbread]

Justo echoing that many, many others did this. Part-time work is a great option with small children - you get to keep your hand in work and earn your own money but still spend days with the children.

My youngest was in nursery 8 -5 two days a week from 6 months, my youngest from 8 months then up to 3 days a week when she was a year. They are 12 and 10 now and I don't notice any difference between them and their peers that didn't go to nursery.

[artisanbread]

I also agree with PP who said that the nursery years are much easier to manage than the primary school years! Drop them in the morning, pick them up after work, spend time with them before bed. No worries about homework, clubs, dress-up days.

[ChilledScandi]

I’m sorry, but you are only finding excuses why you shouldn’t work. Especially when it’s only 21hrs a week, it’s nothing..

[Villagewaspbyke]

@Tamzo85

YANBU. Let’s be real, we just weren’t meant to be working a seperate job while mothering infants or toddlers, it’s impossibly hard unless your the highly energetic and organised type. It’s against nature.

The world of work can’t really ever accommodate it, because it takes up to much energy. You wouldn’t try to have a full time career on top of your full time career or for society to somehow make it possible - so how can you expect to mum babies and toddlers and have a career? Realistically there’s nothing to be done unless you want to leave your kids with someone else for ten hours a day or burden your own ageing parents with being the main caters for them.

many billions of women manage it every day though so it’s not at all impossible. It’s absolutely hard work. I went back to work with two full time when youngest just under a year. It’s entirely possible and part time work even more so.

I don’t know if I’d put such young children in nursery (depends on child though) but childminder would be fine. In fact my dds liked childminder more than home sometimes as they had more kids to play with.

[Everythingiscopy]

You’re right, the world is absolutely not set up for working parents and yes, it’s the norm. I was absolutely blindsided when I went back to work (my DD was 9 months old). The juggle was hideous, but it gets easier as everyone settles into a routine. Only you know if it’s worth it from a mental health, career progression, financial perspective. Despite the cost and the juggle, I wouldn’t choose being a SAHM, but that’s because I enjoy my job, earn a decent salary and value adult time. Plus my daughter loves preschool and gets a lot out of it. Solitary - it’s tough!

[Matchingcollarandcuffs]

@noborisno

They're miserable, complain all the time that they are not appreciated in their relationship, move stress onto the children, and hate their lives and if they could give it all up they would, and run an animal sanctuary.

How bizarre? I had really bad PND, plus youngest had health issues which meant he didn't sleep and was often in hospital. Going back to work actually saved me, and thus our relationship and family.

Whilst it was hard the kids were far better off at nursery than with a depressed, anxious me.

I agree with others about these being the 'easy' years, they are now teenagers and whilst lockdowns were hard wfh and being present for them as teens these last two years has enriched all our lives far more than if they were little. Teens need us and our presence more than little ones, conning back from school/college and being able to brain dump in us parents had definitely helped build closeness.

Not to say that lockdowns are easy . .

[NoSquirrels]

@Comedycook

Love all the posts from people saying it's really easy and then casually dropping in that they have lots of family support! Yeah no shit. My next door neighbours mum turns up every day early in the morning and looks after her granddaughter for as long as they need and does housework for them. Yes, working is an absolute doddle for her.

I actually don’t think there’s been many of those posts. Definitely not lots saying it’s easy, and not many referencing unpaid family support. I certainly didn’t have any that wasn’t paid childcare at the ages OP’s DC were. Lots of people don’t. They still work either because they can’t afford not to, or they want to and judge the extra juggling worthwhile.

Everything in life is easier if you’ve got a strong support network on standby to … well, support! But it’s not impossible to be a working parent without it.

[luckylavender]

Of course you can work with children. Thousands do.

[Hrpuffnstuff1]

Fulltime can be a right faff, stuck in traffic, jobs overrun, etc, etc, it's just stressful trying to get back in time for pick up. Plus it makes the days excessively long.

So I changed my business hrs 9-230pm, and it works, now they're older I can pick them up at 3 pm and go back to work if I want or take on extra at weekends.
Childcare is ridiculously expensive, and it's not a taxable expense. Plus I feel the children's care is my job, not other parties.
We're just discussing the logistics of one going to junior and senior school now.

[Villagewaspbyke]

@Comedycook

Love all the posts from people saying it's really easy and then casually dropping in that they have lots of family support! Yeah no shit. My next door neighbours mum turns up every day early in the morning and looks after her granddaughter for as long as they need and does housework for them. Yes, working is an absolute doddle for her.

I’m a single parent with no family support and I managed full time work. It’s much easier now that I get to wfh but I managed it pre Covid too. It’s not impossible but definitely difficult.

now because I am experienced and didn’t give up work I have been able to drop to a four day week. It’s much easier now.

its fine for women to make whatever childcare choice they want but let’s not pretend there are not choices.

[Mommabear20]

You're lucky to have had the option to stay home! I was back at work 6 months after each of my kids were born! It's not ideal but it's the reality of most parents.

[Villagewaspbyke]

Although I do agree that work patterns are not set up for people with childcare responsibilities and it’s womens careers and mental health that generally tends to suffer as a result.

[Applegreenb]

No my kids have been in nursery from 9 months 7.45 till 5.30. It’s the norm to then then have a mad rush when you get in, food, bath and bedtime.

We do however have more money to do things on my days off and at weekends. I think you cherish the time with your kids more as it’s more of luxury.

it seems really undoable I completely get that I had the same when my mat leave ended but give it 3 months and it’s ok I promise!

[weaselish]

Please take the job. Once you're out of a career for too long it's so hard to get back in. I went back FT at 8 months with both kids. Childcare was a juggle and clock watching was a massive pain but it was for a relatively short time in our lives and my career hasn't stalled and my kids haven't suffered in childcare (like the millions of other kids who have to go!). Echoing lots of posters who say you get kids actually thrive in childcare.

[Mumwantingtogetitright]

@Tamzo85

@Mumwantingtogetitright

I suppose the thing about making it a binary choice is that then everyone knows where they stand and what their schedule will be. Just my opinion but when you kind of have one foot in career and one as a SAHM and then DH is supposed to cut hours here or there or to organise time off work to do more babysitting - that way of life involves a lot of organising and leads to disagreement and stress.

Maybe some can make it work, idk, I just know I would find it hard as kids throw you curveballs and when one person knows they will be the main one to deal with that it’s a little easier imo - otherwise you get into the situation of both people seeing who can organise time off etc. - it adds a lot of stress. I suppose it depends on the personalities involved but I can’t imagine living like that, it sounds like endless stress.

Fair enough if you think you would find it stressful to juggle things between you. We found it perfectly manageable and it would have been more stressful for us if one of us had given up their financial independence, but we're all different. There is no one right way of doing it, and if you are happy to split things between you in a different way to how we split things, then that's just a question of personal choice. Where I take issue with you is with your assertion that it is somehow "against nature" for mums to go out to work. That's just wrong and frankly ridiculous.

Some women are happier to sah with their kids and they aren't that interested in having a career. Others believe that they can achieve a balance between the two. The kids are generally fine either way. Suggesting that one approach to motherhood is somehow the right and natural one is nonsense. The only "right" way is the way that works best for each individual family.