To think even P/T work with small kids is impossible??

[LowryLowry]

I have an almost 1 year old and an almost 3 year old and have been a SAHM for the last couple of years. I've been vaguely looking out for p/t jobs and have been offered an interview for one which is 21hrs per week. Good job, in the field I want, with prospects. I've been trying to work out logistics and it just seems impossible. There'd be a 1hr commute each way. So, say I worked three days a week, 8-4, and DH dropped them off and I picked them up, that still just seems like an insanely long day for them. Then I'd literally just be picking them up, chucking some food into them and putting them to bed, then repeating for another two days. Is this just the norm? Then there's the probability of them being ill, DH going on work trips (not a regular thing, but reasonably frequent) Is it worth it?? I love spending time with my kids, but find the monotony and physical exhaustion quite hard at times. I feel a bit lost and would love to have 2 or 3 days a week to do something just for me. To not feel reliant on DH. To not feel like my career will never recover. To use my brain! But it just feels like the world of work isn't set up for people with kids, and that even working p/t would add a massive amount of stress to our lives. Anyone have any thoughts / advice / wisdom?

[onepieceoflollipop]

So you’d still have 4 full days at home with them, including the weekend that presumably your dh would be there for?
sounds great hours tbh with just a little bit of an early start.
plus on the days you work they are nice regular hours AND you get to see them at teatime and bedtime? And from what you say you can afford to work part time rather than full time?
You or dh could plan ahead for your working days for example do the shopping and laundry on days you are both off?

try reframing it as a positive thing
there are many on here working ft not by choice, single parents, shift workers etc. it may be easier for you to focus predominantly on the advantages and choose to see the small disadvantages as things that are easily addressed.

For example, re your dh working away on occasion - you would work this out if you had a little bit of pre-planning for example changing your days around, taking an hour or two of annual leave. Booking a little more childcare or babysitter.

[LowryLowry]

Thanks for the responses so far. Just to clarify, I realise that it's not an 'impossible' situation and that this is what many parents have to do out of necessity. I'm not trying to have a go at them. It just seems mad that in this day and age, these are the choices that parents, and more often mothers, are faced with. I guess I'm just interested in what other people have done in this situation and how they've found working p/t or staying at home for longer.

[GirlCrushxxx]

Take something closer to home, different hours 'out of your field' then?

[Hardbackwriter]

@Tamzo85

YANBU. Let’s be real, we just weren’t meant to be working a seperate job while mothering infants or toddlers, it’s impossibly hard unless your the highly energetic and organised type. It’s against nature.

The world of work can’t really ever accommodate it, because it takes up to much energy. You wouldn’t try to have a full time career on top of your full time career or for society to somehow make it possible - so how can you expect to mum babies and toddlers and have a career? Realistically there’s nothing to be done unless you want to leave your kids with someone else for ten hours a day or burden your own ageing parents with being the main caters for them.

Maybe you weren't meant to be, but can you please not talk for everyone else? I find being a working parent both much easier and much better than being at home full-time, and that isn't such an unusual way to feel. And I do just fine at it, thanks, so would prefer other women weren't going around declaring I couldn't possibly be competent because it's 'against nature'

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

The first thing I did each morning was make a coffee that I knew I could drink all of at my desk without distraction.

I still love doing this, and DS is 7!

[Steelesauce]

It isn't impossible, most of us do it. I'm a lone parent of 3 and work full time. Its hard work, its a lot of drudgery but I get a lot of reward from it to.

[Hesma]

It is possible but personally I’d be looking for something closer to home

[Mally100]

@LowryLowry

Thanks for the responses so far. Just to clarify, I realise that it's not an 'impossible' situation and that this is what many parents have to do out of necessity. I'm not trying to have a go at them. It just seems mad that in this day and age, these are the choices that parents, and more often mothers, are faced with. I guess I'm just interested in what other people have done in this situation and how they've found working p/t or staying at home for longer.

Sorry but what exactly do you feel is the great injustice to mothers here? People need to work, children need to be cared for that's why we have choices. You could look for something closer to home, split working hours with your dh, use a childminder if you don't like the bursery setting, etc.

[Hortensiateapot]

@YouHaventDoneAnyWork

When you say insanely long day, do you think time stands still in nurseries? During that time they’ll be fed 2+ meals, little one probably has a nap, played with loads of toys and games, socialised around other children their age, probably learned some things and done more than you could at home on your own with them. Yes they will be tired because all that is tiring - same as they are tired at the end of every day at home too.

I’m being harsh because I think you need to reframe your thinking. It’s 3 days a week. Loads of people do that for 5 days and for longer days - and their children all turn out to be well adjusted.

Agree with this, and the bonus part is your house gets a lot less messy when you’re all not in it all the time. Also a good nursery does a lot of stimulating, social and messy/sensory play, healthy meals, forest school etc, so on your home days you don’t need to feel guilty about a bit of tv and fish fingers for lunch while you catch up on some jobs. I think 3 days a week is ideal so you still get that couple of calmer, catch-up days.

[GarlicGnocchi]

Completely normal. They aren't just shut in a room at nursery. They'll love it. Loads of entertaining things to do, crafts, food, other children.

[LividLaVidaLoca]

See I’ve never been a SAHM but I had my baby at nearly 40, which maybe alters my perceptions.

I feel CRAZY LUCKY to be able to work three days a week and have two days with him, rather than mourning the loss of three days with him, as I never thought I’d a) have kids b) be financially able to do anything other than work ft if I did have them.

If it helps, my toddler LOVES nursery and I actually see how beneficial it is for him to be with different people and learn new things (we have no family childcare at all).

He’s in nursery 7-5.30 three days a week but honestly I wouldn’t change it now, except I desperately desperately need some time just for “me”. Maybe when he’s at school I’ll persuade DH to let me keep a day off… (he pays for nursery, pt wages are shit which is why I’m so lucky. Couldn’t do it as a single mum, I’d need to be ft)

[Phineyj]

I've done 4 days for years (with the day "off" mid week where possible, not Friday) or for a year or two post mat leave, 0.8 over 5 days.

Having a more leisurely Tue/Wed/Thur makes the other days seem less stressful and means you can take care of yourself by having dr/teeth/hair/eye appointments, wait in for a delivery, do a tricky phone call, pay the bills...

A change is always stressful and scary and was partly why I went back after 8 months rather than 12 and started doing a bit of work after 4 months.

Of course you can make it work if you want.

[GarlicGnocchi]

@Hardbackwriter

Maybe you weren't meant to be, but can you please not talk for everyone else? I find being a working parent both much easier and much better than being at home full-time, and that isn't such an unusual way to feel. And I do just fine at it, thanks, so would prefer other women weren't going around declaring I couldn't possibly be competent because it's 'against nature'

Agreed. My child is better off for me working. I'm not cut out to be a full time SAHM.

[OnceMoreWithoutFeeling]

Nice to be in a position to take that view. Plenty of parents have to do longer days full time, or stagger shift work and barely see each other to cover child care.

I know you are just asking for advice for YOUR specific set of circs, but saying it's "impossible" does make you sound very clueless and privileged.

[Howeverdoyouneedme]

I agree OP, you basically have to put your children into childcare for a really long day. I know lots of people do it, but is it actually a good thing? Childcare has expanded and it feels like the working day and expectations have too. I’m not saying women need to stay home with their kids, but imagine a world where you could if you wanted to, either parent? And working hours were shorter.

I tried it with two children and I was out the door at 7, partner dragged two crying children to nursery, I rushed back to pick them up, dragged two moaning children home and tried to do their food, bath, my dinner then started on work again. I handed my notice in. Was absolute shit. I’m at work now,, but my children are older.

[NoSquirrels]

You’ve been a SAHM for 2 years, you’ve been offered an interview for a part-time job in your field with good prospects that’s 3 days a week 8-4 - and you’re wondering if you shouldn’t take it?

Go and ace the interview. You’ll regret it if you don’t. It’ll only get harder to find a job that fits with parenting as your DC get to school age and you’re a SAHP.

[Stompythedinosaur]

Yup, completely impossible. That is why there are absolutely no families out there that don't have a sah parent.

[Steelesauce]

@Tamzo85

YANBU. Let’s be real, we just weren’t meant to be working a seperate job while mothering infants or toddlers, it’s impossibly hard unless your the highly energetic and organised type. It’s against nature.

The world of work can’t really ever accommodate it, because it takes up to much energy. You wouldn’t try to have a full time career on top of your full time career or for society to somehow make it possible - so how can you expect to mum babies and toddlers and have a career? Realistically there’s nothing to be done unless you want to leave your kids with someone else for ten hours a day or burden your own ageing parents with being the main caters for them.

Actually, what goes against nature is these tiny nuclear families we have. We're designed to have a tribe of people around us helping and supporting us with bringing up our children. So we are able to do what we need to do and get regular breaks. Instead, we have people guilt tripping Mums for daring to do something for ourselves and complaining that granny wants to babysit.

[notanothertakeaway]

I would prefer to avoid 1 hr commute each way. Otherwise, what you're describing sounds very typical, if not easier than many set ups

[Mumwantingtogetitright]

@Tamzo85

YANBU. Let’s be real, we just weren’t meant to be working a seperate job while mothering infants or toddlers, it’s impossibly hard unless your the highly energetic and organised type. It’s against nature.

The world of work can’t really ever accommodate it, because it takes up to much energy. You wouldn’t try to have a full time career on top of your full time career or for society to somehow make it possible - so how can you expect to mum babies and toddlers and have a career? Realistically there’s nothing to be done unless you want to leave your kids with someone else for ten hours a day or burden your own ageing parents with being the main caters for them.

This is such a pile of crap from start to finish. FFS! It's terrifying to think that people with these views have responsibility for raising children.

[GarlicGnocchi]

There's a reason the gov give some free childcare at 2 and 3 years. It's not for the parents.

[Phineyj]

I've done minimum 45 min commute for years (over an hour currently). I quite like it as a way to clear my head between home and work. Prefer public transport though.

[RainCoffeeBook]

Only if you're lazy. Yes, you might commute. Yes, their father will have to pick them up and do some parenting (shock horror).

Plenty work full time with kids. Being perplexed at how to do 21 hours is making excuses.

[NoSquirrels]

What adds stress to your lives is the children themselves, OP! Once you have children it’s just the flavour of stress you’re choosing - a life where your career stagnates and you’re more dependent on a partner financially and less independent but with no childcare-work stresses and more time with your children, or a life where you juggle work and childcare and commuting but retain your career progression etc.

I’m honestly not sure what choices for parents couldn’t be stressful in one way or another. Small children = stress!

[RainCoffeeBook]

@Mumwantingtogetitright

This is such a pile of crap from start to finish. FFS! It's terrifying to think that people with these views have responsibility for raising children.

Crap isn't it? I only ever hear this tripe from older women. Men are interested in my career. Young people are interested in my career. Bitter old ladies start spitting that mothers shouldn't work.