To think even P/T work with small kids is impossible??

[LowryLowry]

I have an almost 1 year old and an almost 3 year old and have been a SAHM for the last couple of years. I've been vaguely looking out for p/t jobs and have been offered an interview for one which is 21hrs per week. Good job, in the field I want, with prospects. I've been trying to work out logistics and it just seems impossible. There'd be a 1hr commute each way. So, say I worked three days a week, 8-4, and DH dropped them off and I picked them up, that still just seems like an insanely long day for them. Then I'd literally just be picking them up, chucking some food into them and putting them to bed, then repeating for another two days. Is this just the norm? Then there's the probability of them being ill, DH going on work trips (not a regular thing, but reasonably frequent) Is it worth it?? I love spending time with my kids, but find the monotony and physical exhaustion quite hard at times. I feel a bit lost and would love to have 2 or 3 days a week to do something just for me. To not feel reliant on DH. To not feel like my career will never recover. To use my brain! But it just feels like the world of work isn't set up for people with kids, and that even working p/t would add a massive amount of stress to our lives. Anyone have any thoughts / advice / wisdom?

[Schoolchoicesucks]

Of course it's not impossible. It's what most working parents do. As long as the childcare is reliable and good and you are able to share the drop offs and collections and any illness days it should be totally manageable. The children will play and nap and do activities and eat, and still see parents before and after childcare and on the days you are both not working.

If you and your dh can financially manage on one salary and you are both happy with him working and you staying home with the kids, then carry on. If you think you'd enjoy getting back to work part time, want to both contribute financially to the family then take the job.

My children are older and dp and I both work part time so neither of us are solely bearing the financial burden and both of us stay home with the kids. It works for us.

[LowryLowry]

Some of these comments have been really encouraging and reassuring and have made me consider my options in a more positive light, so that thank you to those posters.

Other commenters have been pretty defensive. Please understand that I'm in no way trying to criticise anyone's choices - we all have different situations and we all prefer to handle them differently. I understand that being able to choose whether or not to work is a privilege. I basically just wished we lived in a better society, where looking after others or helping your community were valued as highly, where no one had to work as much. I feel frustrated at the general lack of good quality jobs with flexible working conditions. It just seems mad that in 2022, huge numbers of people are still working all the hours, trying to make things work, trying to fit everything in, feeling guilty... I know it's not impossible, but I don't think it's desirable and I wish things were different.

[chopc]

No it's not impossible. I always worked whilst having three kids. However we had a lot of family support and hired help.

[Comedycook]

Part time jobs are often hard to come by. Full time jobs are rarely 9-5 anymore. Even a standard admin job in central London will be 8.30-5.30 or 9-6. Commute time could be an hour...then often public transport lets you down. You could end up needing childcare from 7.30/8am - 6.30/7pm. Very difficult and expensive to find.

[Bunnycat101]

If you get the job I’d take it. 3 days is lucky. Not everyone can get a job working 3 days. I now do 4 but have done 3 days and it was much nicer for the children but I was frazzled as my job was really a full time job.

id also do it now while nursery age. I have found school significantly harder. With nursery I know they are being cared for well, will have 3 full meals and when I pick them up I can do cuddles, bedtime etc. with my 5 year old, wrap around care doesn’t give a full meal so I pick her up at 6 and she needs dinner, we have to do reading, any homework etc. I can’t guarantee school/wrap-around will help with sun cream etc so the level of care is quite different.

[Comedycook]

@chopc

No it's not impossible. I always worked whilst having three kids. However we had a lot of family support and hired help.

Well there's your answer

[LowryLowry]

@NoSquirrels

What adds stress to your lives is the children themselves, OP! Once you have children it’s just the flavour of stress you’re choosing - a life where your career stagnates and you’re more dependent on a partner financially and less independent but with no childcare-work stresses and more time with your children, or a life where you juggle work and childcare and commuting but retain your career progression etc.

I’m honestly not sure what choices for parents couldn’t be stressful in one way or another. Small children = stress!

This is very true! Thanks for this 😊

[Crunchymum]

I find that when it works, it works. When it doesn't then it can feel overwhelming.

I have 3 DC and the youngest is disabled (so lots of appointments etc). I'm also now a single parent. This isn't a brag, it's to show it can be done.

Main things that help are WFH (have done since 2020 and will continue to do so) and I have a lot of support from very involved grandparents who live close by.

I also have a decent level of flexibility with work and the kids are all now in full time school, and all in same location.

[LowryLowry]

@CheshireCats

Op, take the job and get over it.
Don't "stay at home for longer " before you know it, you will have been out of work 8/10 years and it will be very hard to get back into work then.
You need to be working, developing your career and paying into a pension. Otherwise you will be leaving yourself in a very vulnerable position later on if you split up with DH. Nobody thinks this will happen to them, but statistically many marriages do end. You will be left with no great earning potential to support yourself and no real pension for your future.

Yes, this is another worry.

[Crunchymum]

I work 3 days per week.

[LowryLowry]

@CowboyFromHell

It’s possible but in an ideal world I’d see if your partner could drop his hours a bit. If he could go down to 4 or 4.5 days a week that would make a big difference and you’d only have 2 full childcare days rather than 3.

The starting point in these discussions shouldn’t be how the mum’s job will fit around childcare, but how both parents together can balance work and childcare.

Yes, agreed. We've discussed this and it would be an option, though possibly not straight away.

[Mumwantingtogetitright]

@Tamzo85

@Comedycook

Great post. I struggle to see how it’s possible to be as involved a parent with all these little things you’ve mentioned while working full time and worrying about childcare or nursery.
I know this will get slack here but I also don’t think kids in care all day 5 days a week is a positive and I’m pretty sure the kids wouldn’t choose it for themselves.

Personally, I wouldn't have chosen for my mum to be a sahm as a child, as she was miserable, money was tight and we'd have all been a lot happier if she had been at work. As a teenager, I wished that she would get a job but she had lost all of her confidence and she never got it back. There is no one single choice that is "best" for the children as there are so many different variables.

Also, there are so many options in between 5 long days of full time childcare and having a sahp. It isn't just a binary choice and I never understand why people are so determined to present it in that way. DH and I both worked full time but flexibly, so dd never had more than 4 hours in any given day with her nanny as a preschooler, and those four hours were actually immensely enriching for her - far more so than an extra few hours with me or her dad. Once she started school, she just did the standard school day with me and DH juggling drop offs and pick ups. Even back then, I knew lots of people managing things flexibly like us, and these days, it's even easier as so many people are wfh/hybrid working etc.

[Comedycook]

Main things that help are WFH (have done since 2020 and will continue to do so) and I have a lot of support from very involved grandparents who live close by

When my Dc were babies working from home was unheard of. Obviously if you have family support and are WFH, it's doable. Now imagine having to be in the office five days a week, 9-6...and having no family to help. It's virtually impossible. If it is possible, it will be absolutely exhausting and hugely stressful.

[Radyward]

Do you want to be reliant in your husband ? You need to take this job as its in your field of work and its a step on the ladder. My kids loved creche most do. I love having my own money for the house / kids and for me too .go for it.i think you are making excuses (sorry)

[Mulhollandmagoo]

It is easily doable, and infact is pretty much the norm, yes you have three days where you don't do much with your children, but you have four whole days where you can, and some extra funds to do nice things.

Also, your children - in particular your 3yo will really enjoy a childcare setting once they are settled.

[Tamzo85]

@manysummersago

MN is filled with really weird ideas about what the developing world do and bizarrely seem to aspire to it.

@manysummersago

Yep, all these ancient tribes where Mum goes off to a career while the tribe looks after baby. Don’t remember that on the flinstones.

[comealongponds]

YABU

Its clearly not impossible, thousands of people do it every day.

[Clymene]

Those are not impossible logistics. I was back full time from when my babies were 9 months. They went to nursery/childminder 8-6.

They survived and are teenagers. My career survived and went from strength to strength.

[Comedycook]

Love all the posts from people saying it's really easy and then casually dropping in that they have lots of family support! Yeah no shit. My next door neighbours mum turns up every day early in the morning and looks after her granddaughter for as long as they need and does housework for them. Yes, working is an absolute doddle for her.

[Tamzo85]

@Mumwantingtogetitright

I suppose the thing about making it a binary choice is that then everyone knows where they stand and what their schedule will be. Just my opinion but when you kind of have one foot in career and one as a SAHM and then DH is supposed to cut hours here or there or to organise time off work to do more babysitting - that way of life involves a lot of organising and leads to disagreement and stress.

Maybe some can make it work, idk, I just know I would find it hard as kids throw you curveballs and when one person knows they will be the main one to deal with that it’s a little easier imo - otherwise you get into the situation of both people seeing who can organise time off etc. - it adds a lot of stress. I suppose it depends on the personalities involved but I can’t imagine living like that, it sounds like endless stress.

[Hugasauras]

I work part-time but do three evenings a week instead. So DH works standard 8/9-4/5 (he's WFH and flexible) and I work 2/3/4-10/11/12 sort of hours, also from home. One of those evenings is a Sunday too. So there are options!

This works really well for us. DD goes to nursery on two of my work days so I can get bits done. DD2 will too when I go back after mat leave. And DH does pick-ups, does their tea and bedtimes on those three days. I'm around and DD will pop in and out if I'm not in a meeting etc. until she goes to bed.

It means I'm always around in the day for appointments, events, etc. too, which makes life a lot easier.

[SleeplessWB]

For me, the key is teamwork and organisation. I work 4 days and am out of the house 8-6 but DH works from home so can drop off/pick up. We also have a very reliable childminder which makes a massive difference. You get into a routine and as long as everyone knows what they are doing when it works fine.

[WTF475878237NC]

I specifically looked for (and thankfully lived where it was possible to have) a short commute of 20 minutes or less because I completely agree the logistics make it hard. Hybrid working has been so useful for many for this reason. I hate all of these well millions manage it replies....yes but how many are stressed or exhausted.

[manysummersago]

@Comedycook

Love all the posts from people saying it's really easy and then casually dropping in that they have lots of family support! Yeah no shit. My next door neighbours mum turns up every day early in the morning and looks after her granddaughter for as long as they need and does housework for them. Yes, working is an absolute doddle for her.

<nod>

[NerrSnerr]

My children are 7 and 5 and I have always worked part time and we used a nursery before they went to school. For us in relation to childcare the nursery years were much easier than the school years, there is a lot more to juggle now!

We don't have family support so we just have to do our best, we book in sports day etc to our diaries as soon as announced and hope we can do it, all our annual leave is used up for holidays and get limited time off together.

I'd 100% rather work though and the children are not young for too long.