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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your relationship boundaries with regard to cheating?

81 replies

CornishGem1975 · 15/10/2021 16:14

After reading the Only Fans thread I've been thinking about this.

What is a hard no for you? What would constitute cheating in your mind?Paying for Only Fans? Watching free porn? Going to a strip club? Having a lap dance or a private dance?

I used to be a bit more liberal a few years back and wouldn't have cared less had my other half gone to a strip club but the thought of my DP going on his stag and going to a strip club in a few weeks actually makes me feel a bit sick in my mouth. Not sure if I think it's cheating or it's just completely grim!

Genuinely curious as to where other people sit with this?

OP posts:
wizzywig · 15/10/2021 16:17

I guess it depends what your relationship is like? I'm not fussed if husband was unfaithful. We live relatively separate lives. If you'd have asked me 4/5 years ago or longer? Then paying for a personal service like a lapdance,only fans thing would have made me furious

Original poster
CornishGem1975 · 15/10/2021 16:18

@wizzywig

I guess it depends what your relationship is like? I'm not fussed if husband was unfaithful. We live relatively separate lives. If you'd have asked me 4/5 years ago or longer? Then paying for a personal service like a lapdance,only fans thing would have made me furious
That's a really good point.
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/10/2021 16:20

Watching free porn I would not consider cheating, and I’d have no issue if my husband went to strip club with a bunch of friends on a stag night as he has done in the past or had a private dance, i don’t think he has done that though

Id be repulsed if he was paying for only fans, id not consider it cheating just repulsive, or if he went to strip clubs as regular entertainment, agin I’d not see it as cheating, I’m not jealous or insecure I’d just think it was grim.

Cheating for me is the old fashioned definition snogging, sex, etc.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 15/10/2021 16:23

I'm pretty much the same as Bluntness.

Wazzzzzzzup · 15/10/2021 16:23

I would consider cheating a physical exual contact. Lap dance wouldn't fit in. Paying for porn etc would be an issue, because... Mate, it's all free out there, come on. Budget.

I am not sure where I would stand on only fans type. I guess it would depend what, who and how. I don't think it would be cheating, but it would make me question relationship.

MayorGundersonsDogRufus · 15/10/2021 16:26

Well, it's trust, isn't it? Someone breaking your trust. If you're the kind of couple that are open about porn then it's probably not a big deal, but if when you're together they're telling you one thing and then doing something else behind your back, they've broken your trust, and you don't know what else they might do. That's what I couldn't come back from.

lazylinguist · 15/10/2021 16:27

I don't really think it matters whether you categorise it as cheating as such - it's just a question of whether you consider it acceptable behaviour.

I wouldn't consider porn cheating, but I would consider it unacceptable due to the appallingness of the porn industry and tye way women are treated and viewed as a result of it. I wouldn't ltb before reiterating my views and giving a last chance.

I'd consider any of the rest of the things in the OP as cheating or an ltb offence.

Skyla2005 · 15/10/2021 16:28

It depends on each couple and the boundaries you have both set and agreed upon. What would be a deal breaker for some would be nothing to others

Bookworm20 · 15/10/2021 16:29

Everyone has different boundaries obviously but for me I would consider the following as cheating:

Emotional affair, be it just texting/chat but getting intimate
sexual contact of any kind with another woman
Going to a strip club
Watching porn
Paying to watch women sexually online (only fans or whatever)

Its not because I'm insecure, jealous, a prude whatever else people come up with to justify these things. I am a very secure person. Its simply because I value respect and intimacy in a relationship and also I would not want to be with a partner who thought purchasing women in any way, shape or form was acceptable.

If my DP went to a strip club. I'd finish the relationship. Thats my boundary because I couldn't stay with someone who thought it ok to purchase another person for their own sexual pleasure. Possibly a person who has ended up in that role through being groomed, coerced or exploited in some way. Not to mention the disrespect to me and our relationship element.

Like you when I was younger, I didn't really think about it much, but now I'm older I absolutely have a clear idea of what I will and will not consider ok.

girlmom21 · 15/10/2021 16:31

For me I have boundaries that, whilst not cheating, would still be a dealbreaker.

Strippers, strip clubs, semi-naked women for any reason in person are dealbreakers.

Free porn is fine but I don't want to know about it.

Any kind of sexual conversation or contact with anyone other than me is absolutely cheating and he'd be long gone.

I will be the first to admit I'm a massive prude though.

mbosnz · 15/10/2021 16:32

For me, the main issues would be emotional affairs, so ongoing, and also unprotected sex with another person.

A strip club - that's been fine, when he's attended due to work or friendship requirements. I think both he and I would have more issues with it now, with greater awareness of exploitation of women and trafficking issues.

If he had a one off drunken bonk, (and used protection), that would come under 'you've been a right silly bugger, haven't you?' Who's going to be paying for that bad choice for ever and a day?!

Porn - well, I think the only porn either of us have been at all interested in, was what is very soft porn. And now, even less. I'd be surprised stunned if he was into online only fans, or anything like that. Must ask him!

PorkTheDork · 15/10/2021 16:37

Paying for anything private (dance, OnlyFans etc) I wouldn't like.

Anything else, I'd accept as long as he was honest. I wouldn't accept being lied to or deceived.

Suzi888 · 15/10/2021 16:44

Same as bookworm20, I wouldn’t mind the strip club if it was a stag do to be honest, but not if he went every so often for kicks!

Simonjt · 15/10/2021 16:46

Any touching of someone else would be a no no, as would direct messaging of a sexual nature. I don’t think anything else would be an issue.

TheLastLonelyBakedBeanInTheTin · 15/10/2021 16:53

Actually shagging, snogging or trying to sh or snog somebody I would consider cheating and would be a deal breaker for me.

With the other stuff it would become a deal breaker if it meant that they weren't really in the relationship with me any more. In theory a lap dance or watching porn wouldn't be cheating, but if they were doing it all the time then I wouldn't be jealous but it would be a deal breaker for me. I would just think they didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. I feel the same way about emotional affairs, financial infidelity, and secret addictions to gambling, drugs, drink, etc. I hate being lied to I wouldn't necessarily think it was cheating but would think they were no longer committed to the relationship or are shared goals. Only fans I would see as a bit like that, like maybe it's not cheating but it's certainly lying and misdirecting money and it's misogynistic and horrible so if that's the kind of person they are let them crack on somewhere else

PlanDeRaccordement · 15/10/2021 16:58

To me cheating is sex act IRL with another person or involved emotional affair IRL with another person. So it has to be IRL meet ups to be cheating.

Things like porn literature, strip clubs, video porn, only fans, sexting, webcam while you wank is all sexual fantasy related and not cheating in my opinion. Also emotional connection type communicating with a person over social media, not cheating but rather emotional support which I’m happy to outsource from time to time.

As to whether the noncheating stuff would be unacceptable that would depend on the circumstances such as money spent/affordability, frequency, importance given to it, and any impact it might cause on my relationship with my partner. Generally not a deal breaker unless cannot come to agreement on the use of these things.

Countrydiary · 15/10/2021 17:02

@MayorGundersonsDogRufus

Well, it's trust, isn't it? Someone breaking your trust. If you're the kind of couple that are open about porn then it's probably not a big deal, but if when you're together they're telling you one thing and then doing something else behind your back, they've broken your trust, and you don't know what else they might do. That's what I couldn't come back from.
This, I can’t imagine DH going to a strip club and would be quite unhappy if he hid it from me. If he got dragged along and was completely honest about it it’s a completely different thing for me. Or even if he wanted to go for curiosity or something, it would be the lying that got to me.
DyingForACuppa · 15/10/2021 17:04

I would not want to be with a partner who thought purchasing women in any way, shape or form was acceptable.

This is it for me.

If my partner thought using/abusing women who wouldn't feign interested unless being paid was acceptable I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole. Just utterly grim.

I don't regard it as 'cheating' anymore than I would dismiss my partner commiting rape as 'cheating'.

Cheating is behaviour that would be ethically ok if he was single or we had agreed to it in advance (i.e. open relationship), but isn't ok because it goes against what we have agreed (in our case that we will only have sex/intimacy with each other).

HowardNoir · 15/10/2021 17:13

Porn isn't cheating to me, and as long as the paid porn isn't the custom onlyfans stuff, I couldn't care less. I don't think my husband going to a strip club is cheating but I also wouldn't feel comfortable with it, and thankfully he doesn't either. We're not vanilla though so have different boundaries anyway.

LaurieFairyCake · 15/10/2021 17:20

It isn't that I think it's 'cheating' it's that I wouldn't be with anyone who:

Wanked off to porn at all, purchased women's bodies in any way whether that's strip clubs/private dances or prostituted women

I consider all of the above an abuse of women

miltonj · 15/10/2021 17:33

I don't necessarily think going to a strip club is cheating, I do find it pathetic and unattractive though so would be a deal breaker for me. Private dance is cheating tho. Your sexual self is reserved for your partner and just because you've paid doesn't make it ok, after all it wouldn't be ok, if a friend performed a sexual dance on your husband so why is it suddenly acceptable because it's a stranger that he's paid?

PlanDeRaccordement · 15/10/2021 17:41

Had an interesting light bulb moment.

So we all know the studies that say men are more visually aroused than women...hence porn as most popular wanking material for men. Then women are more tactile, hence dildos and sex toys as most popular wanking material for women.

If porn to wank is cheating, then to be fair would not also having a sex toy/dildo to wank also be cheating?

FrankButchersDickieBow · 15/10/2021 17:45

I would consider ending my relationship if I found/seen or thought that my husband got sexual pleasure from the exploitation and degradation of women.

Peach01 · 15/10/2021 17:45

All of the above are things I would never be okay with in a relationship, although might not refer to them as cheating.
Whether a woman is picked up in a bar or employed to get naked with DP, it's all the same to me. Any type of sleazing or sexual desire towards other women including only fans is not for me. I wouldn't dream of doing it either while in a committed relationship.

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 15/10/2021 17:49

Only fans would be cheating going to strip club no. Private dance id be ok with