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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your relationship boundaries with regard to cheating?

81 replies

CornishGem1975 · 15/10/2021 16:14

After reading the Only Fans thread I've been thinking about this.

What is a hard no for you? What would constitute cheating in your mind?Paying for Only Fans? Watching free porn? Going to a strip club? Having a lap dance or a private dance?

I used to be a bit more liberal a few years back and wouldn't have cared less had my other half gone to a strip club but the thought of my DP going on his stag and going to a strip club in a few weeks actually makes me feel a bit sick in my mouth. Not sure if I think it's cheating or it's just completely grim!

Genuinely curious as to where other people sit with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
CornishGem1975 · 15/10/2021 18:19

I think I'm more twitchy about private dance as my DP had one once (we weren't together) and the dancer obviously took a fancy to him Blush and offered (and by then sounds of it, instigated) some 'freebies' and asked him to go home with her... he didn't. He was young, had a girlfriend and scared shitless Grin but even so!

OP posts:
fashionSOS · 15/10/2021 18:25

I wouldn't consider going a strip club cheating, but I'd find it pretty grim, with some mitigation if it was a stag do and he didn't have any private dances etc. Someone regularly going to a strip club, especially alone? No. Just, no.

To me, the Onlyfans example described was just socially-distanced prostitution. The bloke in that example paid the woman to wank and call out his name. Just, no.

Free porn - totally fine, just be respectful - paying for porn? Ickier. Paying for interactive porn? Hell, no.

Original poster
CornishGem1975 · 15/10/2021 18:31

Are they are actually men who go to strip clubs regularly? The only people I've ever known to go have been one-offs for a birthday or a stag do etc. I do think it would be super icky to be going as a regular thing! (Plus if paying money for dances etc I'd be livid at the expenditure...!)

OP posts:
fashionSOS · 15/10/2021 18:34

@CornishGem1975

Are they are actually men who go to strip clubs regularly? The only people I've ever known to go have been one-offs for a birthday or a stag do etc. I do think it would be super icky to be going as a regular thing! (Plus if paying money for dances etc I'd be livid at the expenditure...!)
I assume so. Used to live near one and definitely saw some familiar faces in the streets. Doubt those men were all working there.
Mantlemoose · 15/10/2021 18:44

@girlmom21

For me I have boundaries that, whilst not cheating, would still be a dealbreaker.

Strippers, strip clubs, semi-naked women for any reason in person are dealbreakers.

Free porn is fine but I don't want to know about it.

Any kind of sexual conversation or contact with anyone other than me is absolutely cheating and he'd be long gone.

I will be the first to admit I'm a massive prude though.

This except the last sentence, I call it having self respect and standards.
Campfirewood · 15/10/2021 18:45

Free porn fine. Going to a strip club as part of a stage do, fine.

Getting a private lap dance/lap dance full stop is not fine. I don’t want some naked woman on my husband as he wouldn’t want a naked man on me. Context is everything, if he walked into a party and a naked man was on top of me I wouldn’t expect him to think it was ok.

Obviously kissing, shagging is cheating, as is privately messaging porn stars, paying for private rooms or any of that murkyness.

Shoxfordian · 15/10/2021 18:48

Anything physical with another person is cheating

I would class paying for specific messages like the other thread on only fans as cheating because it’s personal contact not just watching.

mellowy · 15/10/2021 18:52

The only one I don’t class as cheating is watching porn, but I find porn grim too.

trilbydoll · 15/10/2021 18:58

I agree with pp, anything 'general' like a strip club I'm not bothered about but the minute it gets personal like a private dance I'm not quite so chilled out.

If I was super confident, I think I could let quite a lot of stuff go, but in reality I'd be constantly thinking he was wishing I looked like someone else! And that would be the problem for me, not actually the act itself, but the knock on effect of making me very insecure.

girlmom21 · 15/10/2021 18:59

@Mantlemoose I used to think the same but MN makes me feel like I'm OTT sometimes so I'm glad you feel like that

DuvetDayIsEveryDay · 15/10/2021 19:24

Deal breaking and cheating aren't the same in my book.

Anything where your are paying someone else for your own sexual gratification is a deal breaker - strip clubs, OnlyFans, etc

Cheating - physical contact or emotional affair.

I'm not a prude - I just couldn't be with anyone who thought any of this was okay. I just couldn't respect them.

Mantlemoose · 15/10/2021 19:30

[quote girlmom21]@Mantlemoose I used to think the same but MN makes me feel like I'm OTT sometimes so I'm glad you feel like that [/quote]
I work in an office with 4 other woman and we're all the same so you're not alone. In fact, I would say there's probably one woman in our c30 female company who doesn't think we do. Apart from her we're all in healthy long term marriages/relationships so I think having clear expectations and boundaries does enhance a partnership.

Jennifer2r · 15/10/2021 19:32

MN has weird standards about this stuff.

Free porn is fine but God forbid a woman gets paid or directly profits from her work.

Wazzzzzzzup · 15/10/2021 19:36

@Jennifer2r

MN has weird standards about this stuff.

Free porn is fine but God forbid a woman gets paid or directly profits from her work.

I think it's because if you pay for it when so much is available free, you just want it bit too much? I am not sure how to put it into words.

Even the free isn't "free". Ads revenue etc, but you aren't paying directly

Jennifer2r · 15/10/2021 19:39

Only fans is one of the only ethical ways of purchasing porn. No coercion, direct payment to the performer, who has total control over their own output.

I'm not saying 'let your partner do it' but it's mental gymnastics to be ok with 'free porn' but not 'paid porn'.

yesterdayisinthepast · 15/10/2021 19:43

For me watching porn or going to a strip club isn't cheating. My boyfriend and I would go a strip club together if we ever visited America, we'd both probably have a private dance too!

However paying for onlyfans or anything else is where I draw the line. I don't see it as cheating but I'd just think of him as a loser lol. Sending money to a particular girl or speaking to any girls is where it starts to become cheating for me. Along with emotional affairs, typical cheating like speaking to someone, going on dates, having sex etc

Wazzzzzzzup · 15/10/2021 19:46

@Jennifer2r

Only fans is one of the only ethical ways of purchasing porn. No coercion, direct payment to the performer, who has total control over their own output.

I'm not saying 'let your partner do it' but it's mental gymnastics to be ok with 'free porn' but not 'paid porn'.

While I am fully aware llts are actually waaaaay safer on only fans than in the rest of industry (and I am REALLY big on supportin local business🙈), we can't generalise about coercion etc, like it can halpen in porn.

That aside though. In my case, if you personalise something, it's too personal? It's very hard to put in words why freeview would be ok, but paid wouldn't. I wouldn't even be happy if he paid pornhub premium. I would if I would, but not at this point.

Marmite17 · 15/10/2021 20:10

Difficult to define out of context. Forgave one night stand, one visit to prostitute when dating offshore worker. Much younger then. V close friends and no emotional relationship with women he slept with. Did lecture re condoms.Helped me through death of mum, was fantastic and truly was my best friend.
Would find porn users a bit repulsive. Main thing now is a close caring relationship. I suppose cheating for me, getting on a bit, would be breach of close friendship.

toocold54 · 15/10/2021 20:25

Porn, only fans, strip clubs etc - all fine.

Paying for anything, like only fans or prostitutes etc - would repulse me and he could never come back from that.

Milkshake54 · 15/10/2021 20:43

Porn - ok
Lap dance - ok (if a rare occasion - like a stag do)
Strip club - ok (same as above)

Only fans - no way.
Texting, messaging any girls not already friends in real life - no way!
And then the obvious - physical contact… all cheating.
We often say here - you can window shop just don’t touch!

L0stinCyberspace · 15/10/2021 23:47

I'm REALLY struggling with this at the moment. In couple counselling at present with DH after crisis in our marriage when I found him DMing women who'd posted porn on Reddit. He claims not cheating, but I think it is. I've no problem with him viewing porn, but sharing sexual comments is, for me, too much. The counsellor says in time, my anger will pass. I'm not sure it should! But to pull the pin on our marriage over it? I don't know what to think anymore 😕

hullaballoo19 · 16/10/2021 00:05

As others have said, it's all about your personal boundaries.

I consider anything physical, deep emotional connection and anything that involves intimately interacting directly with someone else cheating (e.g private only fans stuff, lap dance).

I don't consider porn and strip clubs to be technically cheating, but they make me feel very similar to how cheating would so they are no go boundaries for me. Perhaps I wouldn't feel like that if I had better self-esteem or was less insecure (maybe I still would though). I would like to be okay with those things but I'm just not, they hurt my feelings too much.

PickAChew · 16/10/2021 00:11

All of that. Without prior consent, of course, but I couldn't consent to any of it

Stompythedinosaur · 16/10/2021 00:12

I'd rather dp wasn't sleeping with anyone else, bit it isn't actually a total deal breaker for me.

Him engaging in anything that made me think he view women as commodities, like using sex workers or strip clubs, would be a deal breaker.

Porn doesn't particularly bother me.

PickAChew · 16/10/2021 00:14

@PlanDeRaccordement

Had an interesting light bulb moment.

So we all know the studies that say men are more visually aroused than women...hence porn as most popular wanking material for men. Then women are more tactile, hence dildos and sex toys as most popular wanking material for women.

If porn to wank is cheating, then to be fair would not also having a sex toy/dildo to wank also be cheating?

A dildo isn't a coerced (or otherwise) human so not cheating.